Boners

Boner of the Day for November 12th, 2020

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: YOU MUST NOT PITCH LITTLE PIERRE OVER THE GATE

AVIGNON, France – Some parents struggling to get their kids into school on time have been resorting to desperate measures to make the 8:30am deadline. Trillade primary school in Avignon, southern France, has put up a series of hilarious notices showing an adult throwing a small child. The signs warn under-pressure parents not to throw their little darlings over the six-foot-high steel fence. While some schools operate a more lenient policy for latecomers, opening the gates again if parents drop them off shortly after the cutoff time, the Trillade school operates a zero-tolerance policy.

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Boner Candidate #2: FAKE COVID TESTS…NOT HELPFUL

People are apparently so desperate to travel that they’re turning to the black market, according to recent reports. Many countries are requiring that visitors get negative coronavirus test results before they’re allowed to enter, but some people are trying to sidestep the rule by buying fake test results. Forged negative coronavirus tests have already been reported in France, Brazil and the UK. However, it is unlikely that a high number of travelers would be able to use fake test results because protocols are becoming more high tech, according to a report from The Washington Post.

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Boner Candidate #3: YOU CALL SHOWING OFF YOUR BIDEN SIGN, MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS?

MINNEAPOLIS (WCCO) — A Twin Cities man who identified himself to authorities as a supporter of President Donald Trump is accused of attacking an elderly couple with a golf club over the weekend after he saw them standing at a street corner with a homemade Joe Biden sign. Fifty-year-old Mark Anthony Ulsaker, of Lino Lakes, is charged with second-degree assault with a dangerous weapon, threats of violence and assaulting a peace officer in connection to the Sunday incident, court documents filed in Ramsey County show. If convicted of all counts, he could face a maximum sentence of 15 years in prison.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: I WANT MY CHICK-FIL-A

Dallas, Georgia – Authorities arrested a woman in Dallas, Georgia, after she allegedly tried to convince restaurant workers that she was an FBI agent and should get free food. Even when police officers arrived, the woman apparently continued to claim she was a federal agent. Kimberly George Ragsdale attempted to get free food from a Chick-fil-A by pretending to be an FBI agent, The Polk County Standard Journal repes were apparently not convinced and called 911 to report the woman. According to the news outlet, this is not the first time Ragsdale has attempted to get free food and has threatened to arrest employees when they don’t provide the food.

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Boner Candidate #2: VERITAS, THE MEANS TRUTH YOU KNOW

In an interview this week with federal agents, a Pennsylvania postal worker walked back his allegation that a supervisor had tampered with mailed ballots, saying he had made “assumptions” based on overheard snippets of conversation, according to an audio recording of the interview posted online Wednesday by activists who have championed his cause. The two-hour recording shows that Richard Hopkins recanted claims he had made in a sworn affidavit that top Republicans cited over the weekend as potential evidence of widespread election irregularities and fraud. Hopkins told federal investigators on Monday his allegations were based on fragments of conversation among co-workers in a noisy mail facility in Erie, Pa., according to the recording.

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Boner Candidate #3: STRAWBERRY, YOU ARE NO LONGER WELCOME AT BODY TALK

St. Lucie County, FL — A dancer at the adult venue Body Talk Sports Bar got locked up after allegations of fighting other dancers and swinging a broom, according to an affidavit. St. Lucie County sheriff’s deputies encountered the dancer, a 29-year-old woman whose “dancer name” is Strawberry, around 2:30 a.m. Nov. 6 at Body Talk in the 8200 block of South U.S. 1. Strawberry was being held down by security officers, and was quoted as saying, “They’re trying to kill me!” A security officer reported Strawberry lost her purse, and when it was turned in it had just a few dollars in it.

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