Boners

Boner of the Day for November 18, 2020

ROUND ONE

Boner Candidate #1: PLAN A SUPER-SPREADER EVENT

Hosting? Plan a super spread.” That’s the tone-deaf holiday advertisement that’s got an East Coast supermarket chain bending over backward to say sorry for its brain fart. Giant Food ran the full-page ad in its own magazine, slapping the slogan in bold letters in front of a backdrop of grub synonymous with sharing … including a shrimp cocktail platter, fruit tart and a cheeseboard. The advertisement is encouraging folks to host holiday parties and entertain guests with foods that are easy to get your hands on and share — but it’s doing so using a phrase synonymous with COVID-19 outbreaks … and as the virus is surging around the country. Basically, a horrible time for a “super spread.”

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Boner Candidate #2: I THINK I’LL HAVE A PIZZA

Authorities said a man broke into a Fullerton restaurant a week ago, stealing money and other items. He must have been hungry: Security cameras caught him also taking the time to make himself a pizza. The Fullerton Police Department confirmed on Facebook that the suspect in the Big Slice Pizza burglary has been arrested. According to a post on the department’s social media page, the man also stole the restaurant’s delivery car as he left. Security footage posted to Facebook shows the man wearing gloves and preparing dough for his pizza.

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Boner Candidate #3: TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD IS NO PLACE TO BE PERFORMING PENETRATIVE ACTS

Largo, FL — As motorists drove past them Saturday afternoon, a Florida couple engaged in a series of sex acts on the side of a road, a lewd display that landed them behind bars, police report. According to a felony criminal complaint, “many drivers” observed Amber Gormley, 39, and Shawn McClelland, 30, as they trysted adjacent to a roadway in Largo, a city in the Tampa Bay area. Gormley (seen at right) and McClelland were spotted, cops say, around 2:45 PM in an “open area location of a busy area where all drivers could see then having intercourse.” One motorist said he observed McClelland performing oral sex on Gormley, as well as certain penetrative acts.

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ROUND TWO

Boner Candidate #1: ESCAPE BY SEA

Shasta Lake, CA. – A man wanted for his role in an alleged $35 million Ponzi scheme was arrested Monday after evading FBI agents by swimming into California’s largest reservoir using an underwater “sea scooter,” federal prosecutors said. Matthew Piercey spent about 25 minutes in frigid Lake Shasta using the Yamaha 350Li submersible device before he eventually resurfaced and was handcuffed, CBS Sacramento reported. When agents went to arrest Piercey, he hopped in a pickup and led them on a chase that ended at the shoreline of the lake north of Redding.

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Boner Candidate #2: IT WAS OUR SPIRIT ANIMAL

The killing of a rare “spirit” moose in Canada has shocked residents of a northern Ontario community and prompted one First Nations man to offer a reward to anyone who can help officials apprehend the suspected poachers. Residents around the city of Timmins have long swapped stories of a ghostly white moose population occasionally spotted moving silently through forests of aspen and pine. But poachers recently killed two female moose, including one white cow. The remains, including their heads, were left discarded along a remote service road.

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Boner Candidate #3: WELL THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN NOTICED AND CORRECTED

Cracker Barrel is apologizing after a Twitter user called attention to ropes that resembled nooses hanging from the ceiling at one of its restaurants in Connecticut. “Someone at Cracker Barrel in East Windsor needs to explain why there are nooses on the ceiling,” Alfonso Robinson wrote on Twitter. “We’re sorry this happened,” the company replied to Robinson, explaining that the decoration in question was actually an “antique electric soldering iron that has an original wrapped cord that should not have been displayed.” Cracker Barrel also thanked the guest who originally notified the company, so that it could correct its “error.”

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