ROUND ONE
Boner Candidate #1: FLEEING TO ELUDE
AKE ALFRED, Fla. – While trying to flee, a suspect’s truck ended up on top of a Polk County deputy’s cruiser, according to the sheriff’s office. Deputies said, over the weekend, Lake Alfred police notified the agency that a suspect fled from a residential burglary. The suspect was identified as 25-year-old Austin Westgate. “As everyone was RSVPing to Austin’s capture party, an LAPD officer reported that Austin was seen hopping into a gold-colored pickup truck,” read a post on the Polk County Sheriff’s Office Facebook account. Deputies said the attempted a trafficking stop in the Lynchburg area. The truck briefly stopped to let a woman out of the truck, and then drove away.
Boner Candidate #2: HE WAS VERY FLUFFY WHEN HE WAS FINALLY FREE
Yorkshire, ENGLAND — Hull University student Rosie Cole, 21, had to be rescued by firefighters when she got stuck in her dryer on a dare — and her housemates couldn’t pull her out. Admittedly bored during COVID-19 lockdown, the undergrads from Yorkshire in the UK had swilled a couple of bottles of Zinfandel wine and downed honey tequila shots last week when they dared their pal to take a tumble. “It wasn’t until I wiggled both my hips in and got my legs crossed behind me that I realized I couldn’t get out,” Cole told her college news outlet. “I am a bit dramatic so I didn’t think it was that bad at first and my house mates were making me laugh.” But the laughter soon dried up. “When I realized I couldn’t uncross my legs and my hips were stuck I got a bit worried,” she said. “Especially when I tried to free myself the dryer tipped forward and I couldn’t get myself out. My arms were starting to hurt trying to hold myself up, and it was pretty hot inside the dryer.” The resulting Newsflare video of the harebrained hijinks is now going viral. First responders had to be called — and it took three firefighters to successfully rescue the tipsy college coed.
Boner Candidate #3: IF YOU CAN’T FOLLOW THE RULES, DRIVE INSTEAD OF FLY
PROVO — An argument over face masks resulted in a fight onboard an Allegiant flight bound for Provo, and a woman caught the exchange on camera. Rylie Lansford was sitting right by the two men on Saturday’s flight, but as soon as one of them threw the first punch, she got out of the way and started recording. “It was absolutely insane to me because it’s all about a mask, and it didn’t need to get that way,” said Lansford. When Rylie boarded a plane in Mesa, Arizona, Saturday that was headed to Provo, she expected a pretty typical flight — a typical flight that included wearing a mask. What she didn’t expect was for a fight to break out.
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ROUND TWO
Boner Candidate #1: CAMPAIGN DIRTY TRICKS
A video of former Vice President Joe Biden talking about a Black woman stacking shelves went viral on Monday as the Democratic candidate’s critics accused him of racism on social media. Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden delivers remarks in the parking lot of the United Food and Commercial Workers International Union Local 951 while campaigning October 02, 2020 in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Biden said he tested negative twice Friday for the coronavirus after it was reported that U.S. President Donald Trump and first lady Melania Trump tested positive for COVID-19.
Boner Candidate #2: BRING BACK BERGERON
It was the end of the road for one couple on Dancing With the Stars on Monday night — and it certainly wasn’t smooth. Host Tyra Banks mistakenly revealed the wrong couple in the bottom two. With three couples left waiting to find out their fate — Ann Heche and Keo Motsepe, Chrishell Stause and Gleb Savchenko and Vernon Davis and Peta Murgatroyd — Banks announced, “Anne and Keo and Vernon and Peta are at the bottom two.” That last about one second, as she then revealed “there’s been an error.” “I’m looking right now, and we have three couples. So we need to clarify this for one second. The bottom two couples are Anne and Keo and Monica [Aldama] and Val [Chmerkovskiy],” Banks said.
Boner Candidate #3: I HAVE MAGIC CAT
Novosibirsk, RUSSIA – Forget wish-granting goldfish and genies in a bottle, you can now own your very own magical cat and have all your wishes fulfilled for the modest price of 10 million rubles ($127,000). A Novosibirsk woman recently posted a bizarre ad on Russian classified ad platform Avito, asking people to pay a small fortune for her pet cat, a Scottish Fold named Vincent I, or Vinsik, for short. The woman, known only as Elena, told Russian journalists that she discovered her cat’s wish-granting powers by accident, but has since tested its effectiveness three times, to impressive results. She now wants to share its magic with others, but is asking for a considerable fee as reward for her kindness. “It works only with the owners,” Elena told Komsomolskaya Pravda. “I discovered his ability completely by accident. “I needed an apartment, and somehow I told Vincent for fun: ‘Fulfill my wish!’ And literally the next day I realized that everything would come true. You immediately feel that events are starting to take shape as they should. And a month later I already had an apartment.”
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