ROUND ONE
Boner Candidate #1: YOU SHOULDN’T LEAVE THAT STUFF LAYING OUT
A mom was mortified after discovering her daughter had been taking LUBE to school to use as hand sanitizer. Louise Hosie, from Livingston, was stunned to find the Ann Summers bottle in her little girl’s jacket pocket. Innocent five-year-old Summer just wanted to follow the Coronavirus rules so she “didn’t get the germs” while at school. And Louise, who found the situation hilarious as well as embarrassing, reckons her daughter spotted the brand’s name and thought it was hers. The 36-year-old told the Scottish Sun: “I got the lube in an Ann Summers balloon pop. “Basically, you buy a balloon for $26 (£20) and the woman from Ann Summers goes live and bursts the balloon – with your prize inside. “My prize was the lube, and I also got some perfume. “Two days ago, I was washing Summer’s school jacket and realized she’d actually been taking it to school. “Because her name is Summer and the bottle had Ann Summers on it, I think she thought it was hers. “Right away, I was mortified thinking what if the teachers had seen it. But I guess if they saw it they’d have taken it off her. “I was laughing too, I found it really funny, but I was mortified at the same time.
Boner Candidate #2: A 52,112 DOLLAR SURPRISE
An intubated coronavirus patient was declining rapidly when doctors decided to airlift her to a hospital with better critical care resources. “It’s life or death,” the family of the 60-year-old woman recalled being told when it happened in April. “We have to transfer her now.” The patient was flown by helicopter from one Philadelphia hospital to another 20 miles away. She spent six weeks at the new hospital and survived. When she came home, a letter arrived: The air ambulance company said she owed $52,112 for the trip. Last year, Congress abandoned its attempt to prevent surprise bills like this one, and coronavirus patients are now paying the price. Bills submitted to The New York Times show that patients often face surprise charges from out-of-network doctors, ambulances and medical laboratories they did not pick or even realize were involved in their care. The plan to ban these kinds of bills was popular and bipartisan, and it was backed by the White House. It fell apart at the 11th hour after private-equity firms, which own many of the medical providers that deliver surprise bills, poured millions into advertisements opposing the plan. Committee chairs squabbled over jurisdictional issues and postponed the issue. Then the pandemic struck.
Boner Candidate #3: WERE THEY GONNA KIDNAP HER? OR WAS THEY JUST TRYING TO ARREST HER?
Local residents are calling for the immediate resignation of Dar Leaf, a sheriff from Barry County, Michigan, who said last week that he doesn’t have any regrets about sharing a stage with one of the suspects arrested for alleged involvement in a plot to kidnap Democratic Gov. Gretchen Whitmer, with Leaf defending members of the Michigan Liberty Militia by stating “perhaps they were just trying to arrest the governor and not kidnap her.” A protest seeking Leaf’s resignation is planned for Tuesday in Hastings, Michigan, at the site of a regularly scheduled bi-monthly Barry County Board of Commissioners meeting. According to MLive, the protest is being organized by Middleville resident Olivia Bennett who is calling for the commissioners to pass a resolution requesting Leaf’s resignation.
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ROUND TWO
Boner Candidate #1: THIS WILL FORCE THEM TO BUY MY PIZZA DOUGH
Hannaford, ME — Authorities have taken a man into custody after he allegedly placed razor blades into pizza dough intended for supermarket shoppers. Nicholas Mitchell, 38, was being sought by police after a customer at a grocery store in Maine reported finding the razor blades hidden inside of a prepackaged Portland Pie pizza dough that had been purchased from a Hannaford’s Supermarket. Police said Mitchell was a former associate at a company that produced supplies for Portland Pie. On Sunday, the Saco Police Department announced on Facebook that a nearby department in New Hampshire had taken Mitchell into custody in connection with the food tampering case. “A customer had purchased a Portland Pie Pizza dough and located razor blades inside the dough. The review of store security surveillance footage revealed a person tampered with the packaging of several Portland Pie Pizza doughs,” the police wrote in an earlier post.
Boner Candidate #2: I’M A WOLVERINE. I’LL SHOW THEM COUGARS.
A Utah Valley University soccer player has been arrested for shooting three BYU students with a BB gun. James A. “Jamie” Dunning, 18, was booked into the Utah County jail for investigation of three counts of aggravated assault on Tuesday, two days after he reportedly fired the gun from a moving car on the Brigham Young University campus. According to a probable cause statement, Dunning was a passenger in a car driving past the Helaman Halls dorms shortly after 10 p.m. Sunday. Several shots from a CO2 BB gun pistol were fired at a group of students, striking three of them. One of the victims was struck in the side of his head and required medical attention to remove the BB. According to BYU police, Dunning was one of five people inside the vehicle. Each of the other four told police Dunning owned the BB gun and fired the shots through an open window of the car.
Boner Candidate #3: OH KRAFT MAC AND CHEESE, YOU SHOULDN’T TRY TO BE FUNNY
All traces of Kraft Mac & Cheese’s tongue-in-cheek “Send Noods” campaign that debuted last week in time for National Noodle Day have been erased from the brand’s social media channels as a result of backlash the brand received. The campaign, created by recently founded agency Mischief, asked people to send comfort food in the form of Kraft Mac & Cheese to loved ones. Of course, the play on words is what made the marketing push stand out—and apparently what caused problems. According to BuzzFeed News, social media users “ravaged” the campaign, saying the brand “sexualized mac ‘n’ cheese” and accused it of being “predatory” toward children. On Monday, the brand said via Instagram Stories that it would remove the campaign’s content from its channels.
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