ROUND ONE
Boner Candidate #1: VAN, YOU MAKE IT SO HARD TO LOVE YOU
Van Morrison has condemned scientists for spreading “crooked facts” about coronavirus in a series of new anti-lockdown songs. The musician has released three songs targeting lockdown restrictions, bearing the titles “No More Lockdown”, “Born to Be Free” and “As I Walked Out”. “I’m not telling people what to do or think, the government is doing a great job of that already,” Morrison said in a statement. “It’s about freedom of choice. I believe people should have the right to think for themselves.” In “No More Lockdown”, Morrison rallies against science. “No more lockdown,” he sings. “No more threats/No more Imperial College scientists making up crooked facts.” The track also compares lockdown to slavery. He sings: “No more taking of our freedom/And our god-given rights/Pretending it’s for our safety/When it’s really to enslave.”
Boner Candidate #2: FACE MASKS FOR ALL…NOT SO FAST
The White House scrapped a plan by the US Postal Service to send every American household a face mask in April, The Washington Post reported on Thursday, citing documents obtained through public-records requests. The Post obtained thousands of internal Postal Service documents that revealed previously unreported details of the agency’s struggle to deal with the Trump administration’s response to the COVID-19 pandemic. The documents showed that in early April, after public-health experts began recommending face masks to mitigate the spread of COVID-19, some officials at the Department of Health and Human Services suggested that the Postal Service, an agency that delivers mail to the entire country, could be uniquely positioned to deliver packs of reusable masks to every American household. A draft press release obtained by The Post showed that the Postal Service was preparing to send out 650 million masks, first targeting areas like Louisiana, Michigan, and New York, which at the time were experiencing particularly severe outbreaks of COVID-19.
Boner Candidate #3: HELL, WE’LL ALWAYS FIND A REASON TO FIGHT
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ROUND TWO
Boner Candidate #1: HIDE YOUR SYMPTOMS AND WIN!
PROVO, Utah — A social media page started a “Hunger Games” competition among BYU-area student apartments to see which complex accumulates the fewest COVID-19 cases. However, a competition that means well could cause students who feel sick or have COVID symptoms to hide them in order to help win the contest. The @byuchicks Instagram page posted information about the contest on Sept. 1 and has been “liked” by 483 people as of Thursday. The contest involves 12 apartment complexes, which are called Tributes in honor of the “Hunger Games” movie series. In the movies, Tributes are residents from separate districts who must compete in the Hunger Games, a televised battle-to-the-death competition. According to the social media post, the complexes face off against each other in weekly brackets, with the apartments recording the most COVID-19 cases being eliminated. The winning complex wins merchandise from Barstool Sports, which runs the @byuchicks site. Should any student seriously be interested in winning the contest, they may be persuaded to hide their symptoms to win. BYU officials have made the following statement in regards to the competition: “While we have very little information about this competition, we share the concern expressed in your article that students would forego testing for a higher score. We would continue to expect our students to honestly report their symptoms through the Healthy Together App.”
Boner Candidate #2: WE NEED TO HAVE SOME PRIORITIES HERE
ORLANDO, Fla. – A fifth-grade student was told not to wear his Hooters face mask in class, because it violates the Student Code of Conduct. Ian Golba, 11, has been wearing a mask from Hooters restaurant to class, something he said he has been using since school started at Sunset Park Elementary in August. Earlier this week, the principal told him it was “inappropriate.” “Because it expresses a woman’s body,” Ian Golba explained. The boy’s father, Steve, disagrees. “He’s not thought that there is anything wrong with this mask, nor does he think there’s anything wrong with the restaurant,” Steve Golba said. So he called the school’s principal. “He told me it was deemed offensive. I told him we go there as a family. We eat their wings, we watch sports. I said we have chocolate cake! We go there all the time it is not an offensive mask,” he said, thinking that perhaps school administrators would change their minds. Ian Golba said he was told to take it off during gym class. “I believe it was a counselor that came and she told me to take it off and that it was inappropriate, so I needed to take it off. I asked her if I was allowed to wear it inside out and she said yes I could wear it inside out, so I wore it like that the rest of gym.” Steve Golba said his son is upset by all the attention this drew from administrators.
Boner Candidate #3: AN EASY DO-IT-YOURSELF WAY TO IMPROVE YOUR SMILE AT HOME
Thought using bleach to whiten teeth was harebrained? Amateur TikTok cosmeticians are now remodeling their crooked chompers with nail files in a viral trend that dentists are dubbing damaging and dumb. “You’re doing irreparable damage and destruction to your teeth,” Dr. Chad Evans, co-founder of Texas-based Smile Magic Family Dental, told Insider. The father of two said he first became aware of the molar makeovers after colleagues showed him clips blowing up on TikTok. For the uninitiated, the vids depict various bozos attempting to fix their uneven smiles by using a nail file to sand their teeth down to size. It’s basically the bargain-bin equivalent of an enameloplasty — a reshaping procedure involving enamel removal that one would receive from a cosmetic dentist. However, unlike professionals who know how to file your pearly whites safely, an amateur could potentially remove vital coating, causing the tooth to become hypersensitive or even die. Dentists have even taken to social media to counteract the hazardous fad before it strikes a nerve. “You need to know specifics before you can do stuff like this,” says orthodontist Benjamin Winters in an Instagram clip reacting to a DIY dental procedure. “You can’t do this by yourself.” The mortified medical practitioner — who goes by “TheBentist” online — advised that people leave the operation to an expert who knows “exactly how much enamel to take off to be healthy for the teeth.”
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