Boners

Boner of the Day for September 24th, 2020

ROUND ONE

Boner Candidate #1: NICE JOB WITH THE FIREWORKS FOLKS.

Color Country Interagency Fire Management announced three teenagers and one of the juvenile’s parents have been charged in connection with the “Turkey Farm Road Fire,” which burned nearly 12,000 acres in southern Utah in July.  According to a news release from CCIFM, the charges filed include obstruction of justice in a criminal investigation, providing false or misleading information, use of fireworks in violation of fire restriction order and reckless burning.  The wildfire ignited on the night of July 13 about three miles west of Washington City. Fire officials attributed the cause of the fire to the illegal use of fireworks in a restricted area.  Erratic winds caused the fire to spread rapidly to surrounding federal, state and private lands.

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Boner Candidate #2: THE SUSPECT WAS EITHER CHIP OR DALE

Evangeline Parish, Louisiana – Evangeline Parish Sheriff’s deputies are searching for the person who robbed a pharmacy at gunpoit in a chipmunk outfit. The robbery occurred just after 12:00 p.m. Saturday, September 19, at the Medicine Chest located at 409 E. Lincoln Road. Surveillance video showed an armed suspect, in a Chipmunk outfit running from the store’s parking lot to the rear door of the store, forcing an employee back inside. Once inside the suspect escorted the employee through the store at gunpoint as she filled his bag with an undisclosed amount of narcotic medication. After getting the undisclosed amount of medicine from the employee, the suspect walked out of the rear door of the store, and ran westbound towards a nearby apartment complex. The sheriff tells us the robber wasn’t all bad; he took the victim’s cell phone, but when she told him she had pictures of her grandkids on the phone, he gave her the sim card. This investigation is still active and ongoing.

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Boner Candidate #3: KERRY JACKSONS LONG TIME NEMISIS, UNDER THE MICROSCOPE

Before there were 75 different iterations of Property Brothers shows wasa dark time when home improvement fixes came solely from weekly installments of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, starring the worst host in the history of hosting, Ty Pennington. If you didn’t get to live through the mad years of Home Edition, consider yourself lucky, but also brace yourself: because Pennington is back for vengeance in a new series from HGTV, Ty Breaker. Though Penningtonis something of the Guy Fieri of home renovation shows, he has been notably absent from the sacred space of home renovation reality since the demise of Home Edition and his other popular show, Trading Spaces. In this new series, Variety reports Pennington is back to “help families in need decide whether to overhaul their current property or renovate a new one.” Astounding that Pennington would be allowed within ten feet of any family in need considering the outlandish homes he designed and project managed on Home Edition resulted in several families being left homeless.

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ROUND TWO

Boner Candidate #1: THE NEVER-ENDING PAIN OF BEING ON A REALITY SHOW.

Kate Gosselin is accused of zip-tying 16-year-old son Collin to a chair and forcing him to sleep in a closet. These actions allegedly led the teen to develop post-traumatic stress disorder, a new report claims. The reality television star was accused in court documents of physically and emotionally abusing Collin, a story from the Daily Mail claims. The outlet noted that the claims were submitted to a Pennsylvania court amid a bitter custody dispute between Kate and her ex-husband, Jon Gosselin. Collin reportedly told a court-appointed therapist that his mother treated him differently than his siblings, subjecting him to strange and humiliating punishments, including tying him to a chair and making him sleep in a closet and in the basement. The newspaper noted that the treatment had a significant psychological impact on the teen, leading him to develop a disorder. “Citing a December, 2018 report submitted to the Court of Common Pleas of Berks County, Pennsylvania the sources claim a certified traumatologist and counselor concluded that Collin was suffering from trauma and chronic PTSD,” the British newspaper reported. “The female expert claimed in the paperwork that after her third session with Collin, as a mandated reporter, she was duty bound to report the alleged abuse to Childline.”

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Boner Candidate #2: DON’T LET TRUMP HEAR ABOUT THIS

DAR ES SALAAM (Reuters) – Coronavirus test kits used in Tanzania were dismissed as faulty by President John Magufuli on Sunday, because he said they had returned positive results on samples taken from a goat and a pawpaw. Magufuli, whose government has already drawn criticism for being secretive about the coronavirus outbreak and has previously asked Tanzanians to pray the coronavirus away, said the kits had “technical errors”. The COVID-19 testing kits had been imported from abroad, Magufuli said during an event in Chato in the north west of Tanzania, although he did not give further details. The president said he had instructed Tanzanian security forces to check the quality of the kits. They had randomly obtained several non-human samples, including from a pawpaw, a goat and a sheep, but had assigned them human names and ages. These samples were then submitted to Tanzania’s laboratory to test for the coronavirus, with the lab technicians left deliberately unaware of their origins. Samples from the pawpaw and the goat tested positive for COVID-19, the president said, adding this meant it was likely that some people were being tested positive when in fact they were not infected by the coronavirus. “There is something happening. I said before we should not accept that every aid is meant to be good for this nation,” Magufuli said, adding the kits should be investigated.

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Boner Candidate #3: DR. UNHELPFUL

The Tyrod Taylor chest injury saga continues to get worse as we get more information on the Los Angeles Chargers quarterback. On Sunday, Taylor was a last-second scratch against the Kansas City Chiefs because he had complications from a pain-killing injection. More information on that injection was revealed by ESPN’s Adam Schefter on Wednesday. Apparently, the doctor who administered the pain-killing injection punctured Taylor’s lung, and now the NFL is looking into the incident. The pain-killers were administered to help Taylor fight off pain from a cracked rib. He was transported to the hospital as a result of the mistake and has since been released. Rookie quarterback Justin Herbert filled in for Taylor against the Chiefs, and he impressed in his NFL debut. The 22-year-old completed 22-of-33 passes for 311 yards and one touchdown against one interception. He also had four carries for 18 yards and a touchdown. Despite his solid performance, though, head coach Anthony Lynn has continuously stated that Taylor will be the team’s starting quarterback moving forward if he’s healthy enough to compete. Taylor led the Chargers to their win in Week 1 against the Cincinnati Bengals. The 31-year-old completed 16-of-30 passes for 208 yards and no touchdowns in a 16-13 win.

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