Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for February 22nd, 2019

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: HERE’S A LAWYER WHO REALLY GOES THE EXTRA MILE FOR HIS CLIENTS

If Jason Lee Van Dyke wants to practice law again, he’ll have to pay a $7,500 fine, stay out of trouble and “seek mental health treatment,” according to the State Bar of Texas. Jason Lee Van Dyke, the suit-happy lawyer who represented and briefly led the Proud Boys extremist gang, has been suspended from practicing law in Texas after he threatened to kill a man he was suing, the State Bar of Texas confirmed. Van Dyke, who has a penchant for targeting those who oppose him with violent threats, is banned from practicing law for three months and will be on probation for another nine, if he complies with a slew of conditions from the state bar, according to case documents. Van Dyke has been in and out of legal trouble for months ― he was arrested in September and accused of filing a false police report, released on bond, then given a new bail hearing for threatening a man named Thomas Retzlaff, whom he was suing for defamation.

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Boner Candidate #2: WE HAD ONE BLACK KID SO WE THOUGHT “I KNOW WHAT WE’LL DO FOR BLACK HISTORY MONTH!”

A Brambleton principal has apologized to the school community following what he called an “insensitive physical education” activity during Black History Month. Loudoun County Public Schools officials say they are working to remedy the culture that allowed for the lesson. Third-, fourth- and fifth-graders at Madison’s Trust Elementary School in Ashburn were instructed during their physical education period earlier this month to play a “game” that involved students working in groups, pretending to be runaway slaves and advancing through an obstacle course meant to represent the Underground Railroad. In at least one instance, an African-American child in the class was designated as a slave for the activity, according to Loudoun NAACP Chapter President Michelle Thomas, who said she’s heard several complaints from parents regarding the activity.

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Boner Candidate #3: YOU WANNA EAT? THEN LEARN TO READ.

One Arkansas lawmaker wants to get more students reading by putting money on the line—specifically, their lunch money. Rep. Alan Clark (R-Lonsdale) proposed a bill that would cut lunch funding in schools that struggle with reading, and he is working to get others to support the idea. Clark’s proposed bill, if passed, would reduce a district’s “national school lunch funding” if they’re struggling in the reading department over a period of time. “I don’t understand, and hopefully that bill won’t get passed in Arkansas,” Laquita Chalmers, a parent in West Memphis, said.
Chalmers has four children, and one has recently had some trouble reading. Even though she knows what Clark is aiming to help fix, she doesn’t understand how cutting lunch funds could help literacy struggles in the state. “I do not see no connection in that,” she said.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: YOU ARE A HORRIBLE WOMAN

A family in Houston is pressing charges against a woman who ordered them out of a local spot during their daughter’s first birthday photo shoot. They say the woman harassed them and even put her hands on one of them. Anya Allen will turn one next month and her parents wanted to capture the milestone. “It was something that was supposed to be very special for us, and I hate the fact that when I look at these pictures, this is what I have to remember,” the toddler’s mother, Kelyn Allen said. The photoshoot came to an end Saturday afternoon when a woman drove up and approached them barefoot. “She said you’re on private property, you need to get your stuff out now, very aggressive, in our face, it was escalating to the point where my wife suggested I start recording,” Isaiah Allen, the father said.

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Boner Candidate #2: THIS TOILET, THIS ONE ISN’T ANY GOOD. BUT I’LL FIND A GOOD ONE.

Dave Toliver was charged with criminal property damage after police said he threw a toilet through the front glass of the East St. Louis Board of Education building. Police said they were called to the building at 10th and State Streets. When they got there, people in the building said Dave Toliver, a 36-year-old Florida man, carried the toilet to the building and threw it through the glass.  Police said they found him a short time later near the intersection of 11th and Cleveland. Officers said he was sitting on another toilet. He was charged with one count of criminal property damage, a class-three felony. His bond was set at $10,000.

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Boner Candidate #3: THEY’LL NEVER THINK TO LOOK FOR A GORILLA UNDER A MATTRESS.

A Louisiana man has been arrested by Sulphur Police after allegedly breaking into a home while wearing a gorilla suit, according to Mel Estess with Sulphur Police. The investigation began on Feb. 13, when SPD got a call about a suspicious person in an all-black costume walking the streets and going into residents yards. When officers arrived on the scene they learned a male subject was looking through windows of homes and sneaking through yards. “Who goes around in a gorilla suit, peeking in windows?,” said one resident. According to Estess, officers located the suspect, later identified as Jeremie Moran, and gave verbal commands for him to stop. Moran then fled from officers into a home. Police established a perimeter around the home and observed the back door opening, said Estess. Police believed Moran had fled the residence and began attempting to locate Moran on foot. After a short time officers learned that Moran had not left the house and proceeded to search the home. Estess says Moran was found wearing a black gorilla suit and hiding under a mattress in the home.

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