Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for January 25th, 2019

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: WE FEEL RATHER SORRY FOR YOU

He may be the UK’s worst bank robber – and it worked to his advantage. Terence Cole, 61, was shown mercy this week by a Liverpool Crown Court judge for being so bad at committing his crimes. “Fortunately, you’re not very good at this,” Judge Clement Goldstone QC told Cole in court, according to the UK’s Mirror. “I make it quite clear that if you had been more successful you would have been facing today a discretionary life sentence.” Between Nov. 23 and Dec. 3 of last year, Cole attempted to rob six banks, but left empty-handed every time except once, the news outlet reported.
During the attempted heists, Cole wore a scarf over his mouth and muffled his voice so much that bank tellers could not even hear his demands for cash.

Boner Candidate #2: I REALLY NEED A LOAN

After being refused a loan at a bank in Kazan, Russia, a young woman tried to convince the bank manager to approve the loan by stripping in front of him. Yulia Kuzmina, who is reportedly in her mid-20s, went to a bank in Kazan, the capital city of The Republic of Tatarstan in western Russia, to secure a loan for a new car. She filled out all the necessary forms, but her application was denied after the bank’s analysis determined that she was an unreliable borrower. After pleading with the loan manager, Kuzmina decided it was time for desperate measures and started taking her clothes off in front of him. In a video that recently went viral on Russian social network VKontakte, Yulia Kuzmina can be seen sitting at a desk in the Kazan bank, the name of which has not been disclosed, opposite a young, male loan manager. After having her application denied, the young woman stands up and takes off her short dress. She appears to say something to the embarrassed bank employee, who keeps his cool and shakes his head.

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Boner Candidate #3: THERE IS A SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL FOR YOU

In late December the friends and family members of the Parkland school shooting victims started getting alarming messages through Instagram from users names such as nikolas.killed.your.sister, nikolas.the.murderer, and the.douglas.shooter:

“They had their whole lives ahead of them and I fucking stole it from them.”
“I killed your friends, baby girl”
“I took a shit on your sister’s grave,” followed by three poop emojis
“Did you like my Valentines gift? I killed your friends.”
“With the power of my AR-15, I take your loved ones away from you PERMANENTLY”

The messages, which continued through early January, were revealed in a criminal complaint filed last week in the Southern District of Florida.  The Instagram account names were obvious references to Nikolas Cruz—the confessed shooter behind the death of 17 people at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School—who is awaiting trial at Broward County Jail. The real person behind the threatening and unsettling messages was Brandon Fleury, according to the FBI.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: MY WIFE WAS MY NURSE PRACTITIONER BEFORE SHE BECAME MY WIFE.

Controversy is brewing at an Illinois medical office after an unusual sign went up. It says a doctor left because a woman nurse practitioner was hired, according to KTVI. The incident unfolded at the Multicare Specialists Chiropractor’s Office, where some upset patients arrived at the office Tuesday and were greeted with an odd sign notifying them they needed to find a new doctor. Susan Rolens says she’s seen Dr. Rodney Lupardus, a family medicine physician, for at least 20 years. Rolens says when she arrived at Multicare Specialists Chiropractor’s Office on Tuesday, she was blown away. Her doctor no longer worked there. According to the office’s website, the doctor’s office offers chiropractic medicine, pain management, physical therapy, and family medicine. Rolen says she was greeted with the sign. She believes it was inappropriate. “I thought it was unprofessional for a business to post something like that about a beloved doctor,” Rolen said. The sign read: “Dr. Lupardus resigned from our office on Friday, 1/18/19. The reason he resigned is because his wife would not allow him to work here since we hired a “female” nurse practitioner. We are very sorry for any inconvenience this has caused you.”

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Boner Candidate #2: JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE WAFFLE HOUSE

A Florida woman is behind bars after deputies said she threatened an employee and danced naked outside a Pensacola Waffle House. According to the Escambia County Sheriff’s Office, an employee told Freedom Ryder Zobrist, 38, of Pensacola, to leave the restaurant Monday because she had been causing trouble, WEAR-TV reported. Zobrist fled but returned later, saying she wanted to get a gun, then shoot the employee and everyone inside, the police report said. The employee told deputies that Zobrist then took off her pants, danced naked in the restaurant parking lot and tried to grab his genitals, WEAR reported. The employee said Zobrist also licked his face and poked his chest, according to the police report. Zobrist was arrested on charges of indecent exposure, simple assault, battery and disturbing the peace, WEAR reported. She is being held on $5,000 bond.

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Boner Candidate #3: YOU KNOW I COULD HAVE JUST NOT TOLD YOU

A Massachusetts urologist removed a kidney from the wrong patient after mistakenly reading the CT scan of another man with the same name — who had the same type of scan done on the same day. Dr. Ankur M. Parikh, 37, who practices in Worcester, was reprimanded last month by the state’s Board of Registration in Medicine in connection with the 2016 incident, the Telegram & Gazette reported this week. Back in July 2016, Parikh removed a healthy kidney from Albert Hubbard Jr., then 65, after confusing his CT scan results with those of the other patient, who was 70 years old, the paper reported. Both men had received the exact same stomach and pelvis scan on the exact same day, according to the report. Hubbard had been complaining of blood in his urine and told Parikh what day he’d been scanned, the outlet reported. Then the doctor logged into UMass Memorial’s records system, searched Hubbard’s first and last name and pulled up the scan.
Hubbard was shocked when Parikh informed him he had a large tumor on his kidney that needed to be removed, according to a consent order.

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