Boners

Boner (Rounds One and Two) for August 3rd, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: THIS BEER TASTES LIKE A HOT UNDERWEAR MODEL.

A beer made from the ‘vaginal lactic acid of hot underwear models’ has gone on sale in Poland. The vagina beer has been launched by a brewery known as “The Order of Yoni” from the Polish capital city of Warsaw. Yoni is the Sanskrit word for female genitals. Customers can now buy the beer and taste the ‘essence’ of good looking models at various pubs after its debut on July 28 in the city of Katowice. The brewery’s website colourfully describes the sensations customers might expect from the beer saying: “Imagine the woman of your dreams, your object of desire. Her charm, her sensuality, her passion. “Now you can try how she tastes, feel her smell, hear her voice.”Now imagine her giving you a passionate massage and gently whispering anything you’d like to hear.”Now free your fantasies and imagine all of that can be encompassed in a bottle of beer.” However, one of the first customers who tasted the beer, Grzegorz Majewski, was not over impressed, saying that at 25 zloty (£5) a beer costs the same as a normal bottle of wine.

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Boner Candidate #2: THAT’S NOT VERY REVERENT

SYRACUSE — A Layton man accused of punching a teenage boy in the face during church has been charged with felony child abuse. Pio Pauulu, 40, was charged Thursday in 2nd District Court with child abuse, a third-degree felony, and child abuse, a class A misdemeanor. On May 6, police say a 15-year-old boy was attending church at an LDS meetinghouse, 1625 S. 1125 West, when Pauulu called him over to where he was sitting. He told the boy, “‘Don’t do that to my daughter again.’ The boy told the defendant that he did not know what the defendant was talking about. The boy said the man then punched him in the jaw,” according to charging documents. The teen left the chapel and walked outside the church. Pauulu followed him “and grabbed him by the neck, strangling him,” the charges state. One witness told police that Pauulu was “holding the boy by the neck. He stated that he heard the defendant threaten to kill the boy,” according to the charges. Pauulu claimed he saw the boy make a sexual gesture toward his daughter.

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Boner Candidate #3: COME ON BISON. YOU AIN’T SO TOUGH

Bison, meet jackass. A bozo was captured on cellphone video taunting a large bison in Yellowstone National Park this week. In the less-than-1-minute-long online clip taken Tuesday by bystander Lindsey Jones, a shorts-wearing man beating on his chest is seen approaching the ungulate on the two-way road in Hayden Valley. The bison — which can weigh up to 2,000 pounds and stand 6 feet tall — is having none of it and promptly charges at the man, video posted to YouTube by KRTV News shows. “Oh God, I can’t watch,” a person can be heard saying in the video as the bison charges the man for a second time. Another person can be heard imploring the man to “Get out of there!” The man and the bison go their separate ways before the clip ends.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: WE COULDN’T THROW THIS GUY’S LIFE AWAY COULD WE?

TWIN FALLS, Idaho — Twelve jurors unanimously found Jason Benjamin not guilty of rape Wednesday afternoon, despite the former teacher’s admission that he knowingly had sex with an underage girl. Benjamin, who taught at Canyon Ridge High School from 2009 until 2017, was arrested in December after a 17-year-old former student told police she and Benjamin had sex in October, a claim Benjamin confirmed in police interviews. He was charged with rape under a statute that applies when the victim is 16 or 17 years old and the perpetrator is at least three years older, the Times-News reported. Benjamin, now 40, was 39 years old at the time of the alleged sexual encounter. The jury trial, which began and ended Wednesday, included a video of Benjamin telling a police detective that he had sex with the girl and that he knew she was 17 at the time. After about two hours of deliberation, the jury delivered its verdict: not guilty.

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Boner Candidate #2: YOU JUST PUSH A BUTTON AND PULL A LEVER

TEXARKANA, Ark. — Police say an Arkansas man accused of trying to steal a commercial jet told investigators he thought piloting the plane would involve little more than pushing buttons and pulling levers. Investigators say 18-year-old Zemarcuis Devon Scott wanted to fly to an out-of-state concert when he hopped inside an American Eagle jet at Texarkana Regional Airport. The Texarkana Gazette reports Scott was inside the cockpit when he was arrested early on July 4. He was charged Monday and remained jailed Thursday on commercial burglary and attempted theft of property charges. Envoy Air operates the plane. The company says the 44-seat jet wasn’t damaged. Miller County jail records don’t list an attorney for Scott, who lives in Texarkana.

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Boner Candidate #3: DEUTSCHLAND UBER ALLES

PREBLE, N.Y. — A central New York man who has been asked to remove a Nazi flag on his propertysays he’s being hacked and that it’s a “distress call.” Preble resident Jody Fish told the Post-Standard in an interview Thursday that he raised the flag to get people’s attention. Fish says he’ll lower the flag when someone figures out who is hacking him. Over 400 people have signed a petition asking town officials to do something about the Nazi flag. Preble Town Supervisor Jim Doring says Fish refused to take the flag down when they talked. Doring says Fish told him he was flying it because of a dispute with a neighbor. Experts say Fish is protected because the flag is on private property.

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