Boner of the Day

Boner (Rounds One and Two) for May 16th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: THE BUST-A-MOVE BURGLER

A man in California was caught on camera busting a move before he got busted by police for allegedly stealing a laptop last week. The suspect, identified by police as David Seale, reportedly used a key to unlock an office suite on Tuesday and was caught on surveillance video breakdancing after he initially broke into the building. Shortly after the theft, Seale, 43, was found nearby with the stolen laptop, the Fresno Police Department wrote on Facebook. Once he was arrested, police said Seale gave a fake name, and he had “several warrants for his arrest,” which included a probation warrant. He was booked at the Fresno County Jail on suspicion of possession of stolen property and providing false information, police said. Investigators then watched three days of surveillance footage, which showed Seale “entered the building and the victim’s office suite numerous times over the weekend.” The keys he used to access the building were copies, and police said it was unclear where Seale got the original keys to make the copies.

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Boner Candidate #2: ICK, ICK, ICK!

A camera monitoring a sleeping infant captured footage of a man who broke into a Layton home, walked between the baby and his sleeping mother and exposed himself. No one was injured and nothing was stolen, Layton police said in a news release. Police are searching for the burglar. The footage was captured about 3:40 a.m. Monday at a home near 2500 E. 200 South in Layton. It shows the burglar walking around a bedroom where the mother and child were sleeping. Police say the footage also shows the man exposing his genitals. The father in the home, according to the news release, woke about 5 a.m. and found lights off and certain things out of place. When he reviewed the camera mounted above the infant’s crib, he saw footage of the burglar.

Boner Candidate #3: ALL ABOARD THE DEPORTATION BUS.

It’s the kind of message you don’t expect to see on a US election campaign bus: “FOLLOW ME TO MEXICO.” Those are the words on the back door of a repainted school bus Michael Williams is using to drum up support in his bid for the Georgia governor’s seat. He’s dubbed it the “Deportation Bus” and says it’s a show of support for the Trump administration’s crackdown on illegal immigration. In a press release Tuesday, Williams said his message is simple: shining a light on what he claims are “the dangers of sanctuary cities and the overwhelming problem of illegal immigration.” In a campaign ad and a press release unveiling the bus, Williams said he aims to have every city in Georgia participate in 287(g), the federal program that allows local police and sheriffs to cooperate with the feds on immigration enforcement.

Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: THESE CUPCAKES/BROWNIES TASTE REAL FUNNY.

Former and current students of a Connecticut boarding school have been arrested in connection with a batch of cupcakes befouled with bodily fluids and served to students and staffers, according to reports. The four teenage suspects — one of whom is a current student at The Gilbert School in the town of Winchester — surrendered Monday, nearly a year after the incident, and were charged with fourth-degree sexual assault, conspiracy to commit fourth-degree sexual assault and second-degree breach of peace, the Hartford Courant reported. “I’ve never heard of such things,” Winchester Police Chief William Fitzgerald Jr. said Monday, according to the news outlet. “It’s quite unique.” Read More

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A Michigan engineering company employee has been fired after police determined she baked laxatives into brownies intended for a departing colleague’s send-off. Saline police Chief Jerrod Hart says officers confiscated the tainted confections May 3 after another employee tipped off management. No one ate the brownies. The Ann Arbor News reports that Hart says the 47-year-old woman initially denied putting laxatives in the brownies, but after learning investigators would test them she admitted she had. Her name hasn’t been released.  Read More

 

Boner Candidate #2: THAT ONE’S FAT AND THAT ONE SNORTS.

RESWELL, Ore. — Former administrators at an Oregon high school have been reprimanded for mocking two female students in text messages. The Register-Guard reports the state’s educator licensing agency, Teacher Standards and Practices Commission, found that the conduct of former Creswell High School Principal Andy Bracco and former Vice Principal Jordan Osborn was “unprofessional and violated professional standards and local policies” when the pair exchanged text messages about the weight of a student while at a boys basketball game. Bracco and Osborn, in the text conversation, also speculated whether another student was snorting cocaine. A person sitting behind Osborn anonymously took a photo of the text exchange and shared it. The two administrators, who had apologized for their actions and resigned from their jobs, were placed on 1-year probation, which required them to complete counseling and training.

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Boner Candidate #3: IF THEY CAN’T CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY, PUT ‘EM DOWN.

A Republican gubernatorial candidate in Oklahoma proposed euthanasia for people on food stamps who are too disabled to work. In a Facebook post made by a page purporting to be for OK governor candidate Christopher Barnett, the administrator initially posted a poll about food stamp requirements — and then made comments claiming euthanasia is a solution to the “issue” of the poor and disabled. In a post made by Tulsa resident Lisa Schwart, screenshots of the thread from the Chrisforgov campaign page that shares a name with Barnett’s campaign website revealed the comments. “Most receiving food stamps work, or are disabled,” a user commented on the poll post. “Some are elderly.” “The ones who are disabled and can’t work…why are we required to keep them?” the Chrisforgov account responded. “Sorry but euthanasia is cheaper and doesn’t make everyone a slave to the Government.”

 


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