Boners

Boner (Rounds One and Two) for May 22nd, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: YOU ALL NEED TO KNOW WHERE THEM BABIES COME FROM.

According to the Tampa Bay Times, a Florida man climbed on top a piece of equipment at a Clearwater Beach playground Sunday and yelled at a bunch of children in the area. He was apparently screaming at the children about where babies come from. Police took 30-year-old Otis Dawayne Ryan into custody on a charge of disorderly conduct. The incident occurred about 3 p.m. Sunday. Officers said Ryan at first was approaching tourists and making inappropriate comments to women in an effort to get their male partners to confront him. An officer in the area was observing this behavior. Court records show that Ryan was found guilty, fined $118, and ordered to stay away from the park before he was released. “I watched (Ryan) walk over to the busy playground area and climb to the top of one of the children’s toys that was being occupied by children between the ages of 4 and 6,” an officer wrote in an arrest report. “He then started shouting from the top telling the children that babies come out of women” — and used a vulgar term in doing so.

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Boner Candidate #2: WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED TO DECENCY?

A Colorado man is facing federal charges after he allegedly harassed a female airline passenger and then urinated on the seat in front of him. Michael Allen Haag, of Boulder, was arrested Thursday night after his plane, Frontier Airlines flight 9864, landed in Charleston, South Carolina. He has been charged with a felony count of interfering with a flight crew and a misdemeanor charge of indecent exposure, according to the Charleston Post & Courier. An FBI affidavit obtained by The Smoking Gun states that Haag was drinking double vodka and tonics during the flight. Assigned a middle seat, Haag allegedly told a woman sitting next to him he was going to meet up with an old girlfriend in South Carolina and was “physically excited.” The woman told authorities Haag asked her lots of personal questions and kept staring at her chest and legs. At some point, Haag allegedly started touching a woman seated on the other side of him, prompting her to yell “stop touching me” and summon a flight attendant.

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Boner Candidate #3: THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS THE BOY SCOUTS ANYMORE.

A historic hardware store in Purcellville, Virginia, is at the center of a community controversy over allegations that one of its employees used an anti-gay slur after refusing to help a Boy Scout asking for donations for a service project. The alleged incident happened Friday afternoon at Nichols Hardware, a family-owned store that was founded more than 100 years ago and is a “trip back in time,” according to a Loudoun County, Virginia, history organization. After the boy and his father were turned away, Carlyn Hamilton, who was finishing up her purchase, said the employee turned to her and said, “You know they let homos in, right?” He was referring to the Boy Scouts. “And he said, ‘We do not support homos around here, I can tell you that,’ ” Hamilton said Sunday. When contacted Sunday by The Washington Post, a manager at Nichols who would identify himself only as Glenn called the allegation “hearsay.” He said he would talk to the employee Monday.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: HYPOCRITICAL DOUCHE.

Incoming National Rifle Association president Oliver North is not wasting any time jumping into the gun control debate. On Sunday, two days after a 17-year-old killed 10 people at a Texas high school, the retired Marine made an appearance on “Fox News Sunday” to discuss the epidemic of school shootings. “The problem that we’ve got is that we’re trying like the dickens to treat the symptom without treating the disease,” North said. “And the disease, in this case, isn’t the second amendment. The disease is youngsters who are steeped in a culture of violence.” North continued: “Nearly all of these perpetrators are male, and they’re young teenagers in most cases, and they’ve come through a culture where violence is commonplace. All we need to do is turn on a TV, go to a movie.” Or power up a video game. North himself served as a pitchman for the type of first-person shooter video game that’s become a benchmark of the very “culture of violence” the new NRA head is now deploring. In 2012, North participated in the marketing of “Call of Duty: Black Ops II,” the PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360 game developed by Treyarch and published by Activision.

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Boner Candidate #2: CAKE CENSORSHIP

A Publix grocery store in Charleston, S.C., censored “Summa Cum Laude” on a graduation cake after their computer order system flagged it for profanity.

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Boner Candidate #3: YOU THINK YOU’RE A FAN? YOU’RE NOT REALLY A FAN.

Soccer fans all over the world are known to be die-hards. One Brazilian Flamengo fan took the love for his team to an astonishing new level. Jose Mauricio dos Anjos has become somewhat of a minor celebrity in the city of Rio de Janeiro. The 33-year-old husband and father of three tattooed an entire Flamengo jersey on his torso. 32 painful sessions and 90 hours of work have officially transformed him into the team’s biggest fan on the planet. When the dedicated fan spoke with Vice Brazil, he said he originally wanted a piece covering only his shoulders and chest due to his budget. However, it was the tattoo artist who convinced him to go all out. The artist was willing to do the entire piece for only $230 just to get the exposure. The tattoo incorporates almost every aspect of the team jersey from the logo all the way to every thick black and red stripe. The only part missing from the artwork is the kit sponsors. On the back of the tattoo jersey is a number 10 for former Flamengo player, Zico. Dos Anjos got to meet the iconic footballer who he considers to be his idol. The meeting even resulted in one more addition to the tattoo. “He was shocked, and touched it to make sure it wasn’t painted on. I asked him to sign my skin and I then got his signature tattooed,” he told Vice Brazil.

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