Boner of the Day

Boner (Rounds One and Two) for September 13th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: LIVING THE NUDIST LIFE STYLE WILL HELP HER SELF CONFIDENCE

SARATOGA SPRINGS — A man who told police he supports a nudist lifestyle in his house has been charged with sexually abusing his teenage foster daughter. Zachary Chance Hoskins, 44, of Saratoga Springs, was charged Aug. 27 in 4th District Court with two counts of aggravated sexual abuse of a child, a first-degree felony. Police say the Division of Child and Family Services was first notified of possible abuse by Hoskins on Aug. 12. He allegedly “cuddled” his 13-year-old foster daughter multiple times, inappropriately touched her and made suggestive comments, according to charging documents. When questioned by police, Hoskins said he would tell the girl “how good she looked to help with her confidence in her body,” the charges state. Police were also made aware of surveillance video from a youth counseling facility in Provo that was described as “not normal and awkward.” Investigators watched the video and observed Hoskins inappropriately touch the girl and kiss her multiple times, the charges state.

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Boner Candidate #2: I BLAME THE BRITISH.

Brits have been replacing drinks in minibar bottles with their own pee in one part of Spain, research claims. One in three tourists has admitted to refilling bottles with urine, water and other liquids in hotel rooms in the Costa Blanca. It is believed to be done so tourists, many of whom are said to be British, can avoid paying often expensive prices for the drinks. But now hotels in the region are uniting to remove minibars altogether, instead forcing guests to use vending machines in corridors and receptions. The research was carried out by Hosbec, a hotel association for Costa Blanca and Benidorm. It said Brits are the worst offenders. ‘It may seem ridiculous, but I can assure you it is true. ‘We have had people filling bottles with pee, and thank God that staff have always detected it,’ the spokesman said.

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Boner Candidate #3: CHAINSAW GUY’S DAD IS IN A SPOT OF TROUBLE.

LAND O’ LAKES, Fla. — A man was arrested for deliberately cutting his neighbor with a chainsaw during an argument over a shrub on Sept. 4.  According to the sheriff’s office, around 6:34 p.m., deputies responded to a call about an ongoing dispute between neighbors. The initial call was about an aggravated battery. The ongoing issue was between the neighbors about shrubs that are growing between the property lines. However video from the scene shows Landaker disposing of branches when Zlocki arrives home. It shows a verbal argument between the two before Zlocki begins hugging the shrub. The sheriff’s office said the video shows Landaker getting his chainsaw and cutting the shrub while the victim is holding it. In a clear and deliberate act, Zlocki was cut with the chainsaw and Landaker can be seen shoving Zlocki in the back.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: WE ARE STAYING PUT.

MSNBC spoke to a North Carolina resident on Wednesday who said that she was not obeying a mandatory hurricane evacuation because there is “strength in numbers.” Just hours before Hurricane Florence is set to strike the Carolinas, MSNBC’s Kerry Sanders spoke to a woman named Katie who lives in Carolina Beach, North Carolina with her three children. Katie explained that she was refusing to evacuate and instead was planning to “just try to stay safe during the hurricane.” “I think we are going to do everything normally,” she said. “Why the decision to stay and not fall back further inland?” Sanders asked. “From my experience, getting back into town after the storms is very difficult,” the Carolina Beach resident insisted. “Knowing that our family and friends and our home are all here, we didn’t want to leave them unprotected for a prolonged amount of time. We are going to try to stay put.”

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Boner Candidate #2: TUCKER YOU ARE A FOOL

Fox News host Tucker Carlson went on a rant Friday against Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, and other Democrats and politicians who have called for a more diverse workforce, government, and American way of life. Carlson went off on anyone who has said “diversity is our strength” with the chyron on the screen blaring the question: “How exactly is ‘diversity’ our ‘strength’?” He rhetorically asked how can we get along better “if you can’t understand each other or share no common values.” Then he noted that the less people have in common, the less likely they are to be “cohesive.”

Boner Candidate #3: NORM, A LIE IS NOT AN APOLOGY.

Shortly after comments about Roseanne Barr, Louis C.K. and the #MeToo movement made during an interview with The Hollywood Reporter sparked controversy online, comedian Norm Macdonald has issued an apology. “Roseanne and Louis have both been very good friends of mine for many years,” Macdonald tweeted Tuesday evening. “They both made terrible mistakes and I would never defend their actions. If my words sounded like I was minimizing the pain that their victims feel to this day, I am deeply sorry.” Macdonald, who has a new show on Netflix titled Norm Macdonald Has a Show debuting this Friday (Sept. 14), drew criticism for saying he was “happy the #MeToo movement has slowed down a little bit,” and speaking about friends and fellow comics Barr and C.K.

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