Boners

Boners Round One and Two for March 11th, 2019

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: ANOTHER STUPID SELFIE ATTEMPT

“Please understand why barriers are put in place. Sending prayers to the family tonight.” So reads a Saturday night tweet from Arizona’s Wildlife World Zoo in the wake of an incident involving a guest and a jaguar. The Litchfield Park zoo says that same evening a female guest crossed a barrier in an attempt to take a photo of a jaguar and was attacked, sustaining non-life threatening injuries on one arm. The animal was in its enclosure the entire time, the zoo pointed out. Local officials clarified it wasn’t just a photo, but a selfie: The woman was “attempting to take a selfie near the fence of the jaguar enclosure when the cat reached out and attacked her arm.”

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Boner Candidate #2:THE DEMONS DID IT.

A Florida woman arrested for car theft claimed at the scene that “demons” told her to steal a SUV from an Ace Rent-A-Car. Gardina McCullough, 23, was charged with car theft after swiping a Toyota RAV4. Her bond was set at $15,003. She was found nearby hiding at a hotel. “Demons told me to do it…I didn’t take it, demons took it,” she said at the scene. “I tried to rent it, but y’all didn’t want to rent me a car. Y’all talking about how y’all didn’t have any cars to rent so I stole y’alls (expletive).”

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Boner Candidate #3: HE’S NEVER GOT IN TROUBLE FOR BURNING CARS BEFORE

A local fire captain is charged with arson and retaliation after he had a church friend burn his car, then threatened someone to whom he had confessed to stop them from telling others, a warrant states. Michael Anthony Salinas, 34, a captain with the Emergency Services District 5 Fire and Rescue Fire Department, confessed to a confidential law enforcement source that he had a friend from church burn his 2017 Ford Focus because the $400 to $500 monthly payments were too high and he wanted to move out of his parents’ home, court documents state. Salinas told the confidential source that he had a friend take his car in the middle of the night on June 3, 2018, and burn it, according to a warrant. Authorities with the Bexar County Sheriff’s Office found the burning vehicle in the 4200 block of Noyes Road around 4:30 a.m. and reported it to the Bexar County Fire Marshal’s Office, court documents explained. An arson investigator assigned to the case noted in court documents that the scene smelled of gasoline and that there were trails of an ignitable liquid leading to and from the charred vehicle.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: A CPAP MACHINE WOULD HAVE BEEN EASIER.

A 47-year-old Florida woman was arrested on allegations that she tried to kill her boyfriend because he snored too loudly, sheriff’s officials said. Deputies said the shooting was reported Wednesday night at a home on Emerald Lake Drive in unincorporated Cocoa. The victim was taken to a local hospital, where he is in stable condition. The Brevard County Sheriff’s Office said Friday that Lorie Morin was arrested on charges of attempted murder and aggravated battery. A preliminary investigation that included statements from Morin and her boyfriend indicated the shooting was accidental, deputies said. According to sheriff’s officials, an ongoing investigation determined, however, that the shooting occurred during a domestic violence incident between the couple because the man was snoring loudly. The dispute escalated and Morin retrieved and fired a shotgun, striking her boyfriend, deputies said. Morin and the man had been drinking prior to and during the argument, deputies said.

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Boner Candidate #2: SO WHAT DO THE PARENTS HAVE TO SAY AFTER ALL THIS?

Thanks to pediatric vaccination programs, Oregon hadn’t had a case of childhood tetanus in 30 years. That changed in 2017, when an unvaccinated 6-year-old boy spent weeks in the ICU and amassed an $800,000 medical bill after contracting the infection, according to a recent case study by the CDC. A Washington Post story reports the boy was playing on a farm and cut his head. His parents chose to stitch the cut at home, and six days later, he was airlifted to a hospital with the telltale symptoms of tetanus: clenched jaw, arched back and muscle spasms. The two months that followed sound almost incomprehensibly traumatic and painful. His spasms worsened and doctors had to intubate in order for the child to breathe, ultimately inserting a tube connected to a ventilator into his windpipe. He was confined to a dark room with ear plugs in order to reduce the spasms, which was probably absolutely terrifying to a first grader on top the pain he must have been experiencing. All told, the boy spent 47 days in the ICU on neuromuscular-blocking drugs to treat the spasms. He was also given the DTaP vaccine for protection against diphtheria, tetanus and pertussis.

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Boner Candidate #3: PELICAN ATTACK

An Anne Arundel County man may be facing legal trouble after he posted a video to social media Thursday that appears to show him attacking a federally protected pelican in the Florida Keys. Hunter Hardesty of Davidsonville posted the widely criticized video Thursday to his Facebook account, which was geotagged to Key West, Fla. The video begins with Hardesty appearing to lean over a harbor’s edge holding out something in his hand. The pelican floats closer, and Hardesty appears to jump into the water on top of the pelican, causing both to dunk beneath the water’s surface. When the two re-emerge, Hardesty appears to grasp the bird with two hands while others not pictured on camera can be heard laughing. A woman not pictured asks Hardesty to get out of the water or else she would call authorities. The pelican seizes on opportunity and snaps its beak across the man’s face, causing him to release the bird.

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