Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for August 6th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: OH, THAT’S WHY CALIFORNIA IS ON FIRE.

A pastor with ties to Republican Senator Ted Cruz has claimed that God created the deadly wildfires in California to punish the state for accepting gay people. Kevin Swanson has a history of making anti-LGBT statements. Last year, he claimed that Hurricane Harvey was a ‘punishment’ from God for Texas rejecting an anti-trans law and that public schools will turn kids into “transgender communists.” And in 2016, he said that Girl Scouts leaders should be drowned for being too pro-gay. Most experts have agreed that the ferocity of the wildfires, which have so far killed 11 people, injured 10 and caused more than $400 million worth of damage, is down to climate change. But speaking on his Generations radio show this week, Swanson said it was actually a divine punishment.

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Boner Candidate #2:THERE IS STILL KINDNESS IN THE WORLD.

When a Walmart cashier in Burton saw a customer get turned away from the store’s nail salon, she took matters into her own hands. “I was like making sandwiches and I was watching her like,” Tasia Smith said of the scene Thursday that brought her to tears. She works at the Subway inside the Burton Walmart on Court Street. That’s where she captured a photo, which has since gone viral, of Walmart cashier Ebony Harris skipping her break to paint customer Angela Peters’ nails. “I just wanted to post it for awareness and appreciation, because people needed to know what was going on with the business and Ebony deserved all the appreciation she could get,” Tasia said. Harris said she watched the nail salon, located just a few feet over, refuse to do Peters’ nails because her hands shake quite a bit due to cerebral palsy.

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Boner Candidate #3: THIS IS A STICK UP

 Deputies in North Carolina say they’re seeking a teenager who robbed a 9-year-old’s lemonade stand at gunpoint. The Union County Sheriff’s Office said Sunday that the stickup happened near a traffic roundabout in Monroe, about 30 miles southeast of Charlotte. Deputies say the young drink vendor reported that a male teenager with a camouflage hat and black shirt placed a black handgun to the boy’s stomach Saturday, demanded money and then fled on foot. Sheriff’s spokesman Tony Underwood tells The Charlotte Observer less than $20 in cash was stolen. Authorities found a camouflage hat, a black BB handgun and a stolen metal tin in some nearby woods. Deputies believe the suspect left a bicycle in the brush for his getaway.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: OOPS

Hundreds of people had their homes foreclosed on after software used by Wells Fargo incorrectly denied them mortgage modifications. The embattled bank revealed the issue in a regulatory filing this week and said it has set aside $8 million to compensate customers affected by the glitch. The same filing also disclosed that Wells Fargo is facing “formal or informal inquiries or investigations” from unnamed government agencies over how the company purchased federal low-income housing tax credits. The document states the probes are linked to “the financing of low income housing developments,” but does not offer further details.

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Boner Candidate #2: SORRY MA’M YOUR CARD HAS EXPIRED

An 80-year-old grandmother was jailed for the first time in her life because she had a small amount of cannabis at home, but her Michigan medical marijuana card expired. Delores Saltzman and her son Mark told FOX 17 cannabis saved her life: it worked up her appetite when she was sick; helped her heal after surgeries; and eases her pain from ongoing health conditions. They are disturbed a deputy jailed her overnight for using her medicine. “After I smoke I go down to a one, pain-wise,” said Delores Saltzman, 80. “Before I smoke, I would say I’m an 8 right now.” This November, Saltzman turns 81. She lives with arthritis, diverticulitis, muscle and bone aches, but she says cannabis keeps her moving and making art.

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Boner Candidate #3: I’M SURE THERE WAS A GOOD REASON FOR BEATING A NAKED WOMAN.

A Detroit police corporal has been suspended after cellphone video emerged showing him beating a naked, unarmed and possibly mentally ill woman inside an emergency room triage unit as another officer and hospital security restrained her. The video posted on WJBK-TV’s website shows the male officer punching the woman about a dozen times on Wednesday at Detroit Receiving Hospital. She can be heard shouting a threat at someone before being grabbed by one of the police officers and security staff. The male officer then began punching her. What is shown on the video is “very disturbing,” Detroit police Chief James Craig told reporters Thursday, adding that a criminal investigation has begun.

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