Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for September 18th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: OH DONNY, DONNY, YOU ARE SUCH A DUMMY.

Anderson Cooper is fed up with online conspiracy theorists and “cable news cranks looking to get into a mutually beneficial beef that will boost their ratings.”  The CNN host tore into Donald Trump Jr. on Monday night after the president’s son claimed that Cooper was faking the depths of floodwaters in North Carolina in an attempt to make his father look bad. Trump Jr. tweeted a photo of Cooper standing in waist-high floodwater while a nearby camera crew stands filming in only a little bit of water.  The only problem with the photo is that it wasn’t taken during Hurricane Florence, it was taken a decade ago during Hurricane Ike“The idea that I am kneeling in water to make it look deep is frankly idiotic,” Cooper said before explaining why his crew were pictured standing on higher ground.

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Boner Candidate #2: SO THEY COULD DO THEIR THANG

A Florida man was arrested this month after driving his 15-year-old son to a local park for a late-night sexual encounter with his girlfriend, also 15, according to court records. At around 11:30 PM on September 6, a police officer spotted a Toyota parked after hours at McChesney Park in Port St. Lucie. The patrolman approached the vehicle and found Laurence Mitchell, 53, in the driver’s seat. Asked what he was doing that Thursday evening, Mitchell explained that his son had asked him to pick up his girlfriend so that the minors could go to the park and “do their thang.” As to why the teens would be transported to a park after hours, Mitchell replied, “So they can do what kids do.”

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Boner Candidate #3: GET IN THERE BUDDY. GET THE GOOD STUFF.

Police are looking for a man who allegedly used a tiny accomplice to steal several items from an arcade-style game at a New Hampshire mall last week. The suspect told a small, female toddler to climb into the bottom of the game at the Mall at Rockingham Park in Salem, police said. Once inside the arcade vending machine, the tot grabbed several items and handed them to the suspect, police said. The alleged heist occurred shortly after 6 p.m. on Friday. Salem police posted photos and a video of the alleged crime on its Facebook page, asking for the public’s help in identifying the man. The suspect was described as a “white Hispanic male” between 20 and 30 years old.  Another young boy, who police said was between 5 and 7 years old, was also seen with the suspect during the incident.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: OH DONNY, DONNY REALLY NOT FUNNY.

Donald Trump Jr. posted a meme on Instagram making fun of the woman who alleges that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her when they were high school students. “Judge Kavanaugh’s sexual assault letter found by Dems,” reads the caption at the top of an image, which features a crayon letter in what looks like a child’s handwriting. The letter’s scrawl reads: “Will you be my girlfriend” alongside boxes marked with “yes” and “no.” “The Dems and their usual nonsense games really have him on the ropes now,” the president’s eldest son wrote in apparent sarcasm in his caption. “Finestein had the letter in July and saved it for the eve of his vote … honorable as always. I believe this is a copy for full transparency.” “Finestein” appears to be a reference to Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.), the top Democrat on the Senate Judiciary Committee. She said she reported the accuser’s letter to the FBI last week.

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Boner Candidate #2: ORRIN HAS NO CHOICE.

The woman who’s accused US Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexually assaulting her while in high school may be “mixed up” about the alleged incident, US Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) said Monday. Hatch told reporters that he spoke by phone with Kavanaugh, who denied attending a 1982 party where Christine Blasey Ford says he drunkenly pinned her to a bed, groped her and tried to remove her clothing. “The judge who I know very, very well, is an honest man, said this didn’t happen,” Hatch said, according to The Hill. Hatch also said there’s “some question” whether Ford is “mixed up” and confusing Kavanaugh with someone else. Ford claims Kavanaugh was “stumbling drunk” at the time, but Hatch rejected the possibility that he was so intoxicated he can’t remember the incident.

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Boner Candidate #3: I APOLOGIZE BECAUSE THAT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO BE PUBLIC.

Onalaska ISD Superintendent Lynn Redden said he wished he never posted a comment on the Chron.com Facebook page Monday morning saying “you can’t count on a black quarterback.” Redden, who oversees the Onalaska school district about 100 miles north of Houston, said he thought he was responding to a private message from a friend. Instead, he posted the comment on a Facebook post promoting a Chron.com story about the Texans’ recent loss.  In the post, he referenced the last play of the game in which quarterback Deshaun Watson held the ball as the final seconds ticked off the clock. “That may have been the most inept quarterback decision I’ve seen in the NFL,” he said. “When you need precision decision making you can’t count on a black quarterback.”

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