ROUND ONE
Boner Candidate #1:THIS BABY IS DEFECTIVE. WHERE CAN I RETURN HIM?
A popular parenting YouTuber has come under fire after permanently placing her autistic son — whom she adopted from China in October 2017 — with another family. Myka Stauffer, whose YouTube channel has hundreds of thousands of followers, and her husband, James, made the announcement Tuesday in a video titled “an update on our family.” In the video, the couple say that they have decided to “rehome” their now 4-year-old son Huxley due to unspecified behavioral issues. “Once Huxley came home, there was a lot more special needs that we weren’t aware of, and that we were not told,” James Stauffer said in the video shared on Tuesday. “For us, it’s been really hard hearing from the medical professionals, a lot of their feedback, and things that have been upsetting,” he continued. “We’ve never wanted to be in this position. And we’ve been trying to get his needs met and help him out as much as possible … we truly love him.” “Do I feel like a failure as a mom? Like, 500%,” Myka Stauffer said in the video.
Boner Candidate #2:I HOPE THERE’S SOME ROOM IN HELL.
Boner Candidate #3:IT WAS WORTH IT…HOTPOCKET
A homeless man in California has been accused of breaking into a bank early Wednesday morning just to use its microwave to heat up hot pockets, according to reports. Police responded to Wells Fargo in San Diego around 3:30 a.m. after a burglary alarm sounded. The alarm company told officers a man could be seen on surveillance video in the break room using the microwave, KGTV reported. Officers entered the building an hour later and hauled out the man. “Was it worth it? Yeah, it was worth it,” the man, who has not been identified by authorities, told photographers outside the bank as officers handcuffed him, KNSD reported. “A Hot Pocket? Hell, yeah.” The suspect told officers at the scene that he was homeless, broke into the bank to use the microwave, and ate two hot pockets while inside.
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ROUND TWO
Boner Candidate #1:JUNK MAIL
Some Americans may be unwittingly throwing their long-awaited stimulus payments in the trash. That’s because, starting last week, the Treasury Department and the IRS started sending out economic impact payments in regular white envelopes that could be confused for junk mail. While some people have already received their payments as direct deposits or paper checks in the mail, almost 4 million people — including those for whom the agency does not have bank accounts on file — will be getting their stimulus payments in the form of prepaid debit cards. The only problem is that the debit cards come in envelopes that say “Money Network Cardholder Services” and do not bear any federal markings. That has prompted some recipients to complain that they look too similar to unwanted credit card offers, leading some to accidentally throw the cards — which could contain as much as $3,400 for a family of four — in the trash.
Boner Candidate #2: WE CAN’T HAVE GAGA DOING THAT
Lady Gaga has a new album, Chromatica, coming out Friday, so naturally, she is deep into the process of promoting it. She did so with a post on Instagram which gave the impression that she was personally delivering physical copies of the record to stores. Sharing photos of herself in a big, Chromatica-branded truck, she wrote, “Delivering #Chromatica myself to every retailer around the world… in Chromatica time and distance do not exist.” It is doubtful that Gaga truly drove that truck all over the planet (or personally delivered any copies of Chromatica at all), but that didn’t stop her fans from submitting complaints about Gaga’s delivery practices to FedEx (who, by the way, was not at all involved in this endeavor). A fan tweeted one of Gaga’s photos at the @FedExHelp account on Twitter and wrote, “this woman almost hit me while driving down my block delivering packages for you. I wrote her plates down just in time.. it read ‘PSSYWGN’ please do something immediately.” Sure enough, a representative responded from the account, writing, “I’m sorry to hear of this incident. Please DM as much information as possible. Name, address, phone number, email address, truck number, and if it was a FedEx Express, Ground, or Home Delivery truck so that I can report this to the appropriate station.”
Boner Candidate #3: IMPROMPTU FERTILIZATION
An Australian jogger redefined “morning constitutional” after publicly defecating in a Melbourne community garden, as captured in security-cam footage posted on Twitter by an irate citizen. “To top my ‘crap’ morning off, some dirty bastard #poojogger 💩’s on my freshly planted iso’ garden,” reads the Tweet posted Wednesday by the perturbed horticulturalist, Shayne Whiteley. Indeed, the disgusting 50-second clip shows the crude runner setting down his drink before nonchalantly dropping his trousers, crouching and relieving himself in the neighborhood green space. The tweeter found this impromptu fertilization particularly heinous as the poo-petrator “didn’t wash his hands” and there was a “public toilet across the road,” per a subsequent tweet. “Don’t forget kids, wash your hands #covid19,” the poster snarked in reference to the coronavirus crisis. The social-media masses agreed that it was a s - - tty start to the day. “That’s disgusting, especially with access to toilet across the road!” wrote one tweeter of the jogger’s unabashed ablution.
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