Boner of the Day

Boner Preview Candidates February 18, 2016

Boner Preview Candidate #1: FOLLOW THAT SMOKESCREEN

A speeding driver who set off a James Bond-style smokescreen device as he tried to shake off a police officer was spared jail today. Simon Chaplin, 62, rigged a bucket of diesel, a pump and pipes, behind the passenger seat of his battered Peugeot 309 to produce ‘colossal’ amounts of grey smoke from his exhaust. ‘Eccentric’ Chaplin, from Hebron, near Whitland, Carmarthenshire, then activated the device when a police officer attempted to pull him over for speeding, covering the carriageway with fumes.

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Boner Preview Candidate #2: I GET THE SCREWDRIVER BUT WHAT WAS THE VASELINE FOR?

A Toledo Christian radio host was arrested for inappropriately touching a woman. Police say Mark Howington, 52, went into the bathroom at the Target on West Alexis Road and slapped a woman on the butt. “I just wanted to go after him, because I didn’t want him to get away. And I said ‘I need security right now.’ And the manager came over to me and said ‘Ma’am can I help you?’ I said, ‘Yeah, some guy just assaulted me – hit me on my rear-end coming out of the lady’s restroom,'” said Debrah Piechowski.

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Boner Preview Candidate #3: I DON’T REMEMBER WHERE I WAS TAKING HIM.

A Virginia woman was charged with murder after her son’s remains were found in her car more than 10 years after he was last seen alive, according to documents revealed Tuesday. Tonya Slaton, of Richmond, was indicted Feb. 1 in Hampton Circuit Court on a charge of second-degree murder in the death of her son, Quincy Jamar Davis, according to the indictment. he document alleges that Slaton killed Davis between July 24, 2004 and July 24, 2005. The Virginian-Pilot reported that Davis would’ve been 14 or 15 years old at the time of his death.

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Boner Preview Candidate #4: I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET SOMEONE’S ATTENTION.

An Oregon woman who got frustrated about her emergency room care is now in jail facing arson charges after she triggered the sprinkler system and flooded several hospital rooms, police say. Laura Samuel, 33, was taken to Mount Hood Medical Center in Gresham Friday morning for an evaluation, Fox 12 Oregon reports. Police say she was frustrated with how long it took for her to get discharged, so she first broke the telephone in her room.

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Boner Preview Candidate #5: PUBLIC RESTROOM SEX WITH THE GRAND BABY ALONG FOR THE DAY.

A 42-year-old grandmother high on Xanax, morphine and vodka had sex in the bathroom of a suburban Boynton Beach’s community gym while her 2-year-old grandson was in her care, the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office reports. Another child, whose age was not released, told police he saw April Purvis, 42, “having sex” in the bathroom at the Indian Hills community’s rec center with a man and heard them moaning, the arrest report says.

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Boner Preview Candidate #6: GLEN BECK KNOWS THE MIND OF GOD AND GOD WILL DO ANYTHING TO HELP TED CRUZ BE PRESIDENT.

Glenn Beck has a theory on the death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, and it’s unlike just about anything else floating around out there. In video posted online by Right Wing Watch, the talk show host explained that God may have killed the conservative justice to make a point — specifically to jolt Americans into realizing how important their freedom is so that they vote for Ted Cruz to pick Scalia’s replacement. Beck called into his show — “The Glenn Beck Program,” which is on his own network, The Blaze — to explain why God couldn’t wait until after the election to allow Scalia to die.

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