Boners

Boner Preview Candidates March 31, 2016

Boner Preview Candidate #1: THEY WERE HAVING A GREAT SALE AT THE TIME

A man committed suicide Wednesday morning at a Target in Fontana, apparently with a self-inflicted knife wound to his torso, according to the Fontana Police Department. Surveillance video shows the man walking into the Target in the 15200 block of Summit Avenue, at the Falcon Ridge Town Center shopping mall, shortly after 11 a.m. and removing “a knife out of a package before using it to stab himself,” police said in a statement.

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Boner Preview Candidate #2: I DINT KNOW SHE WAS ON THE CAR AT FIRST AND THEN I DINT CARE

Police say his wife was screaming and banging on the roof of his car, and still a Florida man drove more than six miles before being pulled over. Richard Addy of Palm City was arrested last week in Stuart, after a night of drinking with his wife, Treasure Coast News reports.“I’ve been doing this job for over 20 years,” said Police Cpl. Brian Bossio, “and I’ve never seen anything like that before“ The 69-year-old man allegedly told the officer that he and his wife had gotten into a spat after drinking at a couple of bars and he decided to leave without her.

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Boner Preview Candidate #3: BECAUSE HE’S A GRUMPY OLD WHITE GUY

Ohio Gov. John Kasich has a habit of making awkward comments about women as he campaigns for the Republican presidential nomination. At a CNN town hall on Tuesday in Milwaukee, Charlotte Rasmussen from Butler, Wisconsin, asked Kasich whom he would choose as his vice president were he the GOP’s nominee.“Are you available? You look great tonight,” he said to her in response. It’s hard to imagine him saying a similar thing to a male questioner.

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Boner Preview Candidate #4: MIA LOVE SHAME ON YOU NOT JUST ONCE BUT SHAME ON YOU TWICE

Two fundraising emails sent by Rep. Mia Love’s campaign on Tuesday and written with a dramatic flair claim that Doug Owens endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. He has not. Nor is he close to doing so. In fact, Owens wants nothing — at all — to do with the Democratic presidential primary. The dust­up over the inaccurate emails is just another sign that the presidential fight will loom large over every other race, including Utah’s fiercely contested 4th Congressional District.

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Boner Preview Candidate #5: I AM NOT A GOOD FLYER

A Japan-bound airplane returned to Hawaii because of a violent passenger who wanted to do yoga instead of sit in his seat, the FBI said. The pilot of the March 26 United Airlines flight from Honolulu International Airport to Narita International Airport turned the plane around after hearing that Hyongtae Pae was yelling at crew members and shoving his wife, the FBI said in a criminal complaint. Pae told the FBI he didn’t want to sit in his seat during the meal service, so he went to the back of the plane to do yoga and meditate.

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Boner Preview Candidate #6: OH BYU.

A female noticed a PVC pipe capped on both ends on the fourth floor of the Joseph F. Smith Building. She notified the University Police of it, concerned that it was a pipe bomb. Police responded and evacuated the fourth floor. A perimeter was set up and the pipe was observed at a safe distance. It was determined to have a common construction of a bomb. The writing on the side of the pipe included the phrase “100 hour board.” After looking this up, police discovered that the “100 hour board” is an online BYU forum where people can ask questions. Police got ahold of one of the people running the forum. The individual informed the police that the pipe was a container being used for a scavenger hunt and not a bomb. She apologized for any confusion.

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