Boner Candidate #1: ELON’S COMPANY IS BECOMING AS JESUS
Elon Musk is comparing his work with Neuralink to that of Jesus Christ. Musk, at a virtual conference in Tel Aviv, was asked to describe his breakthrough technology. He decided to describe his work at Neuralink. “It has enabled people who have completely lost their brain-body connection to speak again … and we believe it will enable people to walk again,” Musk claims about the brain-computer interface. The push to commercialized BCI is fairly recent, with 130 BCI start ups launching since 2016. Among these start ups, Neuralink is the best-funded. Musk said Neuralink expects to give a patient its Blindsight implant for the first time by the end of this year. He claims that the brain chips could give people “perhaps superhuman vision,” in time. “Restoring control… and restoring sight I think are pretty big deals,” Musk added, “They’re sort of what I might call Jesus-level technologies.”
Boner Candidate #2: DON’T WORRY PUNCH THE MONKEY IS FINE, HE’S JUST FINE.
Two Americans were arrested in Japan after breaking into the enclosure of internet sensation, Punch the Monkey, the baby macaque who befriended a stuffed animal after being abandoned. The Ichikawa Police Department has identified the suspects as 24-year-old Jahnai Dayson and 27-year-old Neal Duan. The authorities claim Dayson was the one who entered Punch’s enclosure at Ichikawa City Zoo while Duan filmed him. In footage you can see a person wearing an emoji costume climbing the barrier, and then dropping a stuffed toy near a group of monkeys. Dayson and Duan did not get close to the animals and were quickly apprehended. “In response, we conducted safety checks on the animals and facilities,” the zoo added. Earlier this year, Punch the Monkey became a viral internet sensation when he was spotted hugging a stuffed toy orangutan that a zookeeper had gifted him. After being rejected by his mother, he formed a close bond with the toy and would take it everywhere.
!!! WINNER !!!
Boner Candidate #3: WHO BETTER TO CONFRONT THE HANTA VIRUS THAN THE FORMER HOST OF THE ‘ERECTION CONNECTION’ SHOW?
Admiral Brian Christine, the Assistant Secretary for Health at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, “is focused on restoring trust in public health, radical transparency, and tackling the epidemic.” Although Christine has been hired to focused on infectious diseases, his background is in men’s health, specifically, penis health. That’s right, the health official leading the United States response to the hantavirus outbreak is a urologist who has specialized in penis implants. Christine was a noted expert in penile implants for patients with “significant erectile dysfunction.” On top of that, Christine’s past experience with infectious diseases includes promoting conspiracy theories about the COVID pandemic. He insinuated that the pandemic may have been a worldwide plot targeting small businesses. “Was there a worldwide concerted effort to close small businesses and to force them out of business? I don’t know if there was but it looks mighty suspicious to me,” he said in October of 2022. Christine is now leading the U.S. response to the hantavirus outbreak, which has now led to three deaths and multiple hospitalizations.
