It was recently announced that “KINDER EGGS” would be once again available in the U.S.! Which would be AWESOME if it were not a blatant lie.
THESE ARE NOT THE SAME THING!
Kinder Eggs are cheap chocolate, with a toy inside! They are sold ALL over the world, save for these United States of The Merica on account of “The Federal Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act” passed in 1938 that explicitly bans things you can’t eat being inside of things you can eat. (giggety).
When it was announced this morning that Kinder Eggs would be making their jump across the border wall, I was stoked. Only to find out that it’s some weird-ass version that you have to eat with a spoon. A spoon which is no doubt more of a choking hazard than any kinder toy I’ve ever seen. So in the meantime, we’ll continue to not bring them back from Canada or buy them online.
I Don’t know where these came from…
ALSO! I thought I’d give you a list of TEN THINGS I can buy in the U.S. that are more dangerous than a Kinder Egg.
1 – A CHAINSAW. Yeah man, no chocolate choking hazards here, just a gas powered weapon of yard destruction that I can buy at my local Lowes without even saying hello. By the time the cashier has moved on to the next customer I’ve already chopped up the clown in the trunk of my car.
And for some reason, we have one in the office…
2 – A FLAMETHROWER! Again, you drop $30 bucks and a grab the propane tank off your BBQ, and you’re king for the DAY.
3 – A TRAMPOLINE. Don’t get me wrong I had a “tramp” growing up, and I loved it! And there were only like 7 broken bones. Plus if you live in my neighborhood, you get the added fun of trying to locate it after a windy day tries giving it away to your neighbor.
4 – A NAIL GUN. It’s a hammer AND a gun at the same time! And a hell of a lot of fun too. I’m going to go ahead and put most power, and air powered tools on this list 🙂
5 – SWORDS, MAN. Yeah dude, a variety of MIDEVAL F***ING WEAPONRY is just one swap meet or county fair away from your grasp. Hell, even at most malls there’s some weird guy that hook you up with a broadsword and a switchblade for less than $40 bucks! Get some, son!
6 – PEPPER SPRAY – I SH*T you not, I saw keychain pepper spray at a gas station yesterday for $1.99.
7 – A TAZER – These are 100% legal, and really, really cheap. $10, man, and I promise you, kids will stay off your lawn for LIFE
And again, for some reason we have one in the office..
8 – A ZIPPO LIGHTER – Not really all that dangerous you say? Well considering that we’re comparing these items to chocolate eggs with a toy inside, a portable arson/wildfire kit does not sound so safe, does it? I mean, holy balls it’s FIRE. IN YOUR POCKET! Makes you feel a little more badass now
9 – FIREWORKS! – I loves me some fireworks. I know a lot of people bitch about the new laws concerning aerial fireworks here in the land of Zion, but July in my neighborhood is like a scene from Red Dawn. Not to mention, I can put a pile of these inside a toy truck and create an insane show for the kids 🙂
One year, I actually used a boat. Awesome, right?
10 – AN AR-15! My personal favorite on the list! I’m a gun enthusiast, and my personal favorite is my AR-15 (with forward grip and @silencerco suppressor)
Now, of course, guns ARE regulated, (and for some odd reason so are suppressors.) But for most, they are legal to own. If you get stopped with an AR-15 in one hand, and a chainsaw in the other, it seems the most dangerous item on your person is the contraband candy egg in your pocket.