Boners

Boner Fight for February 22nd, 2021

Boner Candidate #1: I WAS LONELY

Vero Beach, FL — A man who was spotted pleasuring himself inside a Kia in a Walmart parking lot told Florida cops that he was “lonely” because his former girlfriend was in Colorado, according to an arrest report. Police were summoned yesterday afternoon to a Walmart in Vero Beach by a woman who reported that a man who was parked next to her was masturbating while behind the wheel of a car that had its driver’s side window open. Upon arriving at the parking lot, cops stopped a Kia with out-of-state plates and asked the driver to exit the vehicle. When Kyle Weiss, 26, stepped out of his car, there was little doubt he was the suspect being sought: “I noticed that he had an obvious erection protruding in his shorts,” a cop reported. Weiss initially denied exposing himself, and claimed that he was at the retailer “as a food shopper,” adding that “his business is like Uber Eats, buying food and delivering it to customers.” During further questioning, Weiss reportedly admitted that he was lying to police. Asked by an Indian River County Sheriff’s Office deputy how he “crossed over from doing his work business to playing with himself,” Weiss “said he is lonely as his ex-girlfriend is in Colorado.”

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Boner Candidate #2: THIS IS MY COUNTRY

A Mount Sinai Medical Center anesthesiologist has been arrested and charged with a hate crime after police say she attacked a Hispanic man at a Hialeah Publix, vandalizing his car, calling him a racial slur and vowing to “get rid of every single one of you.” She became enraged, police say, after the man asked her to maintain social distancing while in line at the supermarket. Dr. Jennifer Susan Wright, 58, a white ardent supporter of former President Donald Trump, has been charged with criminal mischief, tampering with a victim and battery with prejudice, a “hate crime” enhancement that upgraded the charge to a felony. Wright, of Miami Springs, was arrested on Friday and later posted bond. She could not be reached for comment on Saturday; her court record does not list a defense lawyer. The alleged attack happened on Jan. 20 — the day President Joseph Biden was inaugurated. It unfolded at the Publix at 155 E. Second Ave, a popular shopping spot for residents from Miami Springs. In line to pay, the woman got too close to a man who asked her in Spanish to please maintain her distance. She ignored his request, police said, so he repeated it in English. The arrest report said she began “mumbling bad words,” and the man ignored her and walked to his car.

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