Boners

Boner Fight for March 17th, 2020

Boner Candidate #1: TOM HANKS IS CULTURALLY INSENSITIVE

Quarantined Tom Hanks has sparked a light-hearted debate after sharing a picture of Vegemite on toast while thanking his coronavirus isolation “helpers”. The much-loved actor – who announced earlier this week that he has the coronavirus, alongside his wife Rita Wilson – is currently in isolation in Australia. Posting from his quarantine today, Hanks tweeted: “Thanks to the Helpers. Let’s take care of ourselves and each other. Hanx.” Alongside this statement, he posted a photo of stuffed kangaroo and koala holding the Australian flag, as well as a piece of toast thickly spread with Australian staple Vegemite. But the picture quickly sparked a debate on social media over how much Vegemite he should be using – with some questioning how he could eat the product at all. Some chastised Hanks, saying he should have used a gentle “scrape” of the brown paste. One wrote: “Tom. What are you doing? No Australian puts that much vegemite on their toast.” Another said: “Tom, I mean this with all the respect and love in the world, but that is too much Vegemite.” One person added: “Australians everywhere having a nervous breakdown over this vegemite ratio.”

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Boner Candidate #2: KID ROCK…CORONAVIRUS CREEP.

We did it, Detroit. We ran #MAGA-loving rebel rap-rocker Kid Rock out of his home state — and it wasn’t easy. First, he began selling off his properties, including his sprawling 5,600-square-foot estate in Macomb County and his home along the Detroit River, where he was neighbors with the Manoogian Mansion. Then came the closure of Kid Rock’s Made in Detroit restaurant, which the “Bawitdaba” singer, er, performer, opened inside Little Caesars Arena — a venue he christened, er, stained with six back-to-back shows, all of which were met with protest and even earned Kid a Metro Times cover story in an attempt to understand his politics… because, oh yeah, during that time he was teasing a run for Senate, going as far as to deliver a hateful and bombastic stump speech. The dude even sold “Kid Rock for Senate” merch on his website like a real asshole. And yeah, he had real supporters, because of course he did. Now, it appears that Kid Rock and all of his “Rock ‘n’ Roll Jesus” idolatry is someone else’s problem: the kind citizens of Nashville, Tennessee, where he lives in a camouflaged luxury trailer and co-owns Kid Rock’s Big Ass Honky Tonk & Rock & Roll Steakhouse, which was the scene of a November 2019 incident in which he went on a drunken tirade aimed at the ladies of daytime television: Oprah, Joy Behar, and Kathie Lee Gifford.

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