Boner of the Day

Boner Fight for March 27th, 2019

Boner Candidate #1: MORE BABIES! THAT’S THE SOLUTION TO END OF THE WORLD CLIMATE CHANGE. HAVE MORE BABIES.

Utah Sen. Mike Lee on Tuesday called babies and families the solution to climate change in response to a Democratic plan to overhaul the economy through the Green New Deal proposal. The Republican made the suggestion while blasting the Green New Deal on the Senate floor. Lee employed poster-board sized pictures of the superhero Aquaman and former President Ronald Reagan riding a velociraptor so he could “consider the Green New Deal with the seriousness it deserves.” After lambasting the policy as “the legislative equivalent of Austin Powers’ Dr. Evil demanding ‘sharks with frickin’ lasers on their heads,'” Lee offered his own solution. “The solution to climate change is not this un-serious resolution that we’re considering this week in the Senate, but rather the serious business of human flourishing,” Lee said. “The solution to so many of our problems, at all times and in all places, is to fall in love, get married and have some kids.”

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Boner Candidate #2: I’LL DO SOME YARD WORK FOR YOU, OKAY? SHAKE ON IT?

A 20-year-old convicted of raping his neighbor and then offering to do work around her house to make it up to her is being sent to prison for 50 years. Jurors in West Palm Beach found Timothy Walding guilty of sexual battery, false imprisonment and armed burglary in October. On Monday, a judge sentenced him to a mandatory minimum sentence of 50 years. Prosecutors say Walding broke into his 35-year-old neighbor’s house in October 2017 and sexually assaulted her for 90 minutes. She said she was tied up and threatened with a knife. The Sun Sentinel reports the intruder, later identified as Walding, told the victim: “You really should deadbolt your door because I didn’t really want to do this, but I had to do it.” The victim begged the attacker not to kill her. He told her he wouldn’t, reportedly saying he wouldn’t leave her two children without a mom. “[The woman] said the more she spoke with to the suspect, she realized he was very young,” a detective wrote in a report. The victim eventually guessed Walding’s identity and pulled off his mask.

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