Boner of the Day

Boner of the Day for March 27th, 2019

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: DUDE, THERE’S TOO MUCH NEGATIVE ENERGY IN THIS WORK PLACE.

A Missouri car rental worker spiked his co-worker’s drinks with LSD to counter “negative energy,” police said. KMOV.com says two workers at an Enterprise Rent-A-Car reported feeling dizzy on Thursday. They were taken to an urgent care center, then to a hospital. Police spoke to a 19-year-old worker, who allegedly admitted to putting LSD in two water bottles and one coffee cup. They said he put the drug in the drinks to combat the co-workers’ “negative energy.” The workers were fine once the drug wore off. The man accused of dosing their drinks could face charges of second-degree assault and possession of a controlled substance once the test results on the water come in.

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Boner Candidate #2: MORE BABIES! THAT’S THE SOLUTION TO END OF THE WORLD CLIMATE CHANGE. HAVE MORE BABIES.

Utah Sen. Mike Lee on Tuesday called babies and families the solution to climate change in response to a Democratic plan to overhaul the economy through the Green New Deal proposal. The Republican made the suggestion while blasting the Green New Deal on the Senate floor. Lee employed poster-board sized pictures of the superhero Aquaman and former President Ronald Reagan riding a velociraptor so he could “consider the Green New Deal with the seriousness it deserves.” After lambasting the policy as “the legislative equivalent of Austin Powers’ Dr. Evil demanding ‘sharks with frickin’ lasers on their heads,'” Lee offered his own solution. “The solution to climate change is not this un-serious resolution that we’re considering this week in the Senate, but rather the serious business of human flourishing,” Lee said. “The solution to so many of our problems, at all times and in all places, is to fall in love, get married and have some kids.”

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Boner Candidate #3: IT’S SOMETHING MY WIFE AND I ENJOY…YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND

Andrew Hartman, 29, gave the explanation to St. Lucie County sheriff’s investigators after a March 12 crash at Kings Highway and Angle Road. Investigators say Hartman lost control while turning onto southbound Kings Highway and crashed into a stationary semi tractor trailer. Hartman declined medical attention. Officials “observed the at-fault driver (Hartman) to have constricted pupils and believed he may be intoxicated,” the affidavit states. Hartman, of Port St. Lucie, participated in field sobriety exercises, and was arrested on a charge of DUI with property damage. In Hartman’s vehicle, deputies found a bag with “fake urine” in it. The bag smelled of marijuana. Urine is the liquid and dissolved substances secreted by kidneys and stored in the bladder. Urine is discharged from the body via the urethra, typically into a toilet, commode or urinal.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: LAND RIGHT DOWN THERE ON THOSE BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS.

Flower lovers are going to new heights to get to this year’s super bloom. On Tuesday, park officials with the Antelope Valley California Poppy Reserve said that a pair of visitors had set a helicopter down Monday amid the fields of orange blossoms in Lancaster and then proceeded to walk around. “We never thought it would be explicitly necessary to state that it is illegal to land a helicopter in the middle of the fields and begin hiking off trail in the Antelope Valley Poppy Reserve,” officials said in a Facebook post along with the hashtag #Don’tDoomTheBloom. “We were wrong.” A couple landed the helicopter and walked out onto the fields of flowers, the park said. When a law enforcement officer began approaching, the pair ran back to the chopper and flew away. Staff members are working to identify the helicopter and its pilot, said Russ Dingman, a spokesman for the reserve. “This could have been a serious incident. Luckily no one was injured,” he said.

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Boner Candidate #2: I’LL DO SOME YARD WORK FOR YOU, OKAY? SHAKE ON IT?

A 20-year-old convicted of raping his neighbor and then offering to do work around her house to make it up to her is being sent to prison for 50 years. Jurors in West Palm Beach found Timothy Walding guilty of sexual battery, false imprisonment and armed burglary in October. On Monday, a judge sentenced him to a mandatory minimum sentence of 50 years. Prosecutors say Walding broke into his 35-year-old neighbor’s house in October 2017 and sexually assaulted her for 90 minutes. She said she was tied up and threatened with a knife. The Sun Sentinel reports the intruder, later identified as Walding, told the victim: “You really should deadbolt your door because I didn’t really want to do this, but I had to do it.” The victim begged the attacker not to kill her. He told her he wouldn’t, reportedly saying he wouldn’t leave her two children without a mom. “[The woman] said the more she spoke with to the suspect, she realized he was very young,” a detective wrote in a report. The victim eventually guessed Walding’s identity and pulled off his mask.

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Boner Candidate #3: OH THAT GENE YOU THOUGHT YOU INHERITED…WELL, YOU DIDN’T.

Maureen Boesen has always known cancer risk was high in her family. “We’re able to really track our history of breast cancer back to the late 1800s and early 1900s,” Boesen said. “My grandmother actually passed away from ovarian cancer when she was 44. She had five sisters and none of them lived to the age of 50. Then, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 32. We knew there was something going on and that it was a very young age.” When Boesen and her two sisters were ages 3, 5, and 7, their mom was already receiving chemotherapy for stage 2 breast cancer. Because of the extensive family history, the girls were part of a study at a university in another part of the Midwest. Their mom was hoping to help the world better understand what was killing so many women. She was hoping to better her daughters chances for survival. “We were all tested in the same exact room,” Boesen’s sister, Bridget Stillwell, said. “I can even remember what the room looked like.”

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