Boners

Boner Fight for October 7th, 2020

Boner Candidate #1: I TAKE PICTURES OF YOU AND TASE YOU BECAUSE I CAN

RIVERTON, Utah — Riverton Police are searching for a woman accused of assaulting a 9-year-old boy with a stun gun in a parking lot. It happened Friday at 12900 South 2700 West in front of a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints meetinghouse. “It’s just scary. It’s a scary thought that a grown woman is doing this,” said Kelly Green. Around 1:30 Friday afternoon, her son Keaton Green was playing in the parking lot with his friend after school. Police said that’s when a woman pulled up in an older, tan-colored sedan with a loud muffler and started taking pictures of the boys. “She started swearing at me and my friend,” Keaton said. “I asked her why she was taking pictures of us and she said, ‘Because I can.’“ Next, Keaton said the woman got out of the car, grabbed his arm and put a stun gun to his chest. “It feels like you’re getting stabbed, like, with a tons of needles in the same spot millions of times,” Keaton said. Two marks on his chest show where the stun gun delivered high volts of electricity through his nervous system. “I fell straight to the ground,” Keaton said.

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Boner Candidate #2: MY DAD SAVED CHRISTIANITY

Eric Trump claimed that his father, Donald Trump, “literally saved Christianity” during a radio show interview in North Dakota last week. He made the comment while giving a list of the achievements he attributes to his father. “He literally saved Christianity, there’s a war on faith in this country by the other side. I mean, the Democratic Party, the far left, has become the party of the quote-unquote atheist, they want to attack Christianity, they want to close churches, they want to – they’re totally fine keeping liquor stores open, but they want to close churches all over the country,” he said, before continuing his list of accomplishments. Even with Eric Trump’s clarification, it was not immediately clear what he meant when he said his father “literally saved Christianity.” While it was clear that Eric Trump’s gripe seemed rooted in coronavirus-related church closures, the decision to re-open places of worship was largely in the hands of state and local officials, not the president. Eric Trump’s reference to liquor stores is likely based on the conservative complaint that churches were forced to remain closed while businesses like grocery stores and liquor stores were allowed to re-open.

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