Round One
Boner Candidate #1: A CAR IS NOT A RESTROOM
A quick stop at Maverik in Murray to grab a drink has Kasey Rose thanking her lucky stars she didn’t leave her children in the car. Rose watched a man steal her car seconds after she entered the store. “I left my car running because it was a little bit chilly,” Rose said. “I had my keys strapped to my purse, because I was wearing it around my body.” The car was locked, but Rose was standing close enough to the store entrance that the car picked up her electric key fob when the man tried to get in. “I look around and I see it reversing by itself,” Rose said. “All I could do was just shriek: ‘Somebody is taking my car.’” Rose’s cell phone was in her car, so she borrowed a phone to call her husband. Police and her husband chased the suspect, tracking the car’s location through Rose’s cell phone. “At one point my husband was so close that the guy that stole my car almost hit my husband,” Rose said. The man threw Rose’s cell phone out of the car. Hours later, Rose said her husband found their car using a car app. What they found inside was shocking.
Boner Candidate #2: I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M IN JAIL FOR TEXTING.
A woman accused of sending a man more than 159,000 text messages and breaking into his Paradise Valley home wants her case to go to trial, believing a jury will find her innocent while also ordering her and the man she’s accused of stalking to wed. Those were among the comments made by Jacqueline Ades in a recent phone interview with The Arizona Republic from Maricopa County’s Estrella Jail, where she has been held since May 2018. Ades’ case has garnered national attention after authorities said she continued to stalk a Paradise Valley man after a single date, broke into his home and sent thousands of text messages to him over the course of 10 months — including some in which she threatened to wear his flesh and devour his organs, according to Maricopa County Court records. Ades was incredulous that her actions warranted incarceration. “I just think it’s ridiculous,” Ades said. “I can’t believe that it turned into this. I can’t believe that I’m actually in jail over some text messages.”
Boner Candidate #3: YES, HOPEFULLY HE WILL DIE ALONE
George Zimmerman, the man who was acquitted for killing unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in 2012, has been banned from Tinder after he was caught trying to swipe under a fake name. The ban came after the website Creative Loafing got ahold of screen grabs of Zimmerman’s profile, which he created under the name “Carter” and billed himself as a “Consultant, Self-Employed.” “I’m looking for carefree, fun!” he wrote. “Carefree,” but only insofar as, you know, there aren’t any other people around. He prefers solitary activities like hiking and camping, specifically in places where it’s just you and him and no witnesses. He’s really “not into huge crowds.” You know, the fewer people around, the less likely he’ll find himself involved in another shooting. You understand. But Carter likes the finer things in life, too! When he’s not huddled in the abandoned wilderness, he also enjoys meals from the chain restaurant LongHorn Steakhouse—take-out only, of course. You’ll probably have to go pick it up, because again, crowds. Tinder wouldn’t specifically confirm why it removed “Carter,” saying in a statement to CNN only that “We take the safety of our users very seriously and acted appropriately once the profile was discovered.”
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Round Two
Boner Candidate #1: I’M MORTIFIED (AND YOU SHOULD BE)
The Utah County Sheriff’s Office cited a physical education teacher at Rockwell Charter High School in Eagle Mountain Thursday morning after the sheriff’s office said he assaulted a student in his class. Anthony Robbie Chidester, 40, faces one count of child abuse. Surveillance video and student cellphone video show what unfolded in the gym and hallway. In the video, the teacher is seen grabbing a 14-year old student, pushing the student against a wall, then onto the ground. Others rush in to surround the two. Student Dillan Bunker, a classmate of the 14-year old, said it started when a girl in his PE class got a phone call. “The teacher grabbed for the phone and elbowed her in the face,” Bunker said. “[The student] thought it was on purpose, and he stood up and was like, ‘Hey don’t do that.'” Bunker said the kids went on to play basketball. When they were putting the balls away, that’s when he said things escalated between Chidester and the student. “He’s dribbling the ball, right, and the teacher goes, ‘Give it to me. And stop dribbling it,'” Bunker recounted. “[The student] goes, ‘I’m putting it away, like you said.’ And he goes, ‘Stop dribbling it.’ So [the student] puts it in the closet. And the teacher grabs him, flips him around, into like a little hallway/aisle thing.” The videos, recorded at 9:10 in the morning, show what happened from that point, and as Bunker described: “The teacher grabbed him, slammed him against the wall. Then he picked [the student] up, slammed [the student] on the floor.”
Boner Candidate #2: DO NOT GROPE THE PERSON BOOKING YOU.
This hands-on suspect wasn’t hard to catch. A Florida man busted for disorderly conduct in a bar upped the ante by groping the fingerprint technician at his booking. Jack Dylan Evans started his Wednesday afternoon by harassing the female owner of a watering hole where he’d been asked to leave, according to court papers obtained by the Smoking Gun. He then accosted the officer fingerprinting him in Pinellas County, Fla., because “she was sexy.” The 44-year-old perp was apprehended afternoon after shouting obscenities inside Down the Hatch bar, then telling the proprietor he wanted to have sex with her, according to the report. Cops said their arrival didn’t slow Evans down, whose foul-mouthed tirade continued after he was apprehended. At the station, he groped a fingerprint technician, according to the report. “The (defendant) reached with his left hand down to the victim’s right buttocks area and rubbed the area as the victim was fingerprinting the subject as part of the booking process,” the report said. That act was allegedly caught on video and battery was added to Evans’ charges.
Boner Candidate #3: I’M NOT PAYING EXTRA FOR CHECKED LUGGAGE
A woman packed on 9 pounds of clothes, all in an effort to avoid paying extra baggage fees. When officials at an airport in England told Natalie Wynn her bag was too heavy, that’s when she said she put on seven dresses, two pairs of shoes, two pairs of shorts, a skirt and a cardigan. “It definitely worked. Normally I check the weight of the baggage but I did the online check in for me and my friend, but we got to the counter and they just stopped me,” Wynn told The Sun. The fee would’ve cost Wynn about $85.
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