Boner of the Day

Boner of the Day for April 26th, 2019

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: THE WORST HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT EVER

My daughter is a freshman in high school, and she recently got an assignment in life sciences that seems inappropriate. I’m wondering whether I should intervene with the teacher or leave it alone. The assignment is for the kids to identify someone in their family who died of cancer, and then students are supposed to research that kind of cancer. They’re supposed to create a poster presentation to display for the entire school. The teacher also told them that the assignment requires them to use the story of their relative’s death as the “attention-grabbing” part of the poster and presentation. This means sharing details of how cancer affected their relative and how the person died. The goals of the project are to learn about cancer and to advocate for more research funding to fight cancer.

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Boner Candidate #2: IDK? WELL MAYBE YOU DON’T BUT I DO.

Days after the Texas Department of Criminal Justice announced an investigation into reports of “inappropriate” photos and social media comments by correctional officers, multiple officers have been fired or resigned. The investigation was tied to the “#FeelingCute” challenge, the department said last week. The trend often involves uniformed workers posting selfies coupled with captions joking about what their work day may entail. The Houston Chronicle — which reported earlier this month that officers were apparently linked to posts with captions such as “Feeling cute, might just gas some inmates today, IDK” — reported on Tuesday that four officers have been fired and two resigned because of the investigation. Texas Department of Criminal Justice statements to the Chronicle and the Associated Press did not provide details on the social media content involved in the firings.

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Boner Candidate #3: I’M TO FAT FOR THAT

Rolando Gonzalez, 57, was arrested April 5 by Martin County sheriff’s deputies after investigators stopped his van at Southwest Cornell Avenue and Southwest Martin Highway. Deputies said the van had traveled 30 mph in a 35 mph zone and drove slightly off the road. Gonzalez smelled of booze, his shorts were urine-stained and his zipper was open, the affidavit states. Deputies inquired of Gonzalez whether he had any medical issues that may impact his ability to walk or balance. Gonzalez said he was disabled and “can’t see my feet over my stomach.” Still, Gonzalez said he walks his dog every day. Asked whether he could stand on one leg, Gonzalez said, “No, I’m too fat.” He declined to take that portion of the test. His weight is listed as 400 pounds.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: THE THIEVES HAVE IT, BUT WHAT DO THEY WANT WITH IT?

Police are searching for a trio of thieves who stole hundreds of thousands of dollars’ worth of medical equipment from a hospital in suburban Philadelphia. The three thieves broke into Lankenau Medical Center on 100 Lancaster Ave. in Wynnewood on Saturday at 7:30 a.m. and stole several Olympus colonoscopes worth approximately $450,000 in total, police said. The tube-like instruments are used to examine the colon during a colonoscopy procedure. “This is the first time we have encountered this type of theft, so we don’t have all the answers,” Lower Merion Police Detective Sergeant Michael Vice said. Authorities released surveillance video of the suspects as well as their vehicle. The men and woman walked into the main lobby and pried open two doors to get to the colonoscopes. “This is not something that a typical pawn shop might accept,” Vice said. “My feeling would be that it was some type of black market sales.” Vice told NBC10 it’s too early to tell if the incident was an inside job.

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Boner Candidate #2: IT’S TRUE. MOM PROBABLY WOULDN’T WANT TO GIVE ME MONEY FOR THIS STUFF

A 59-year-old Ohio man has been arrested for allegedly stealing $166,000 from his dementia-stricken elderly mother, which police say he then used to buy a large cache of sex dolls, adult toys, lingerie and wigs. Shaun Joseph, of Dayton, was indicted last week on charges of theft from an elderly person above $37,500, illegal use of a minor in nudity-oriented material and pandering sexually oriented material involving a minor. According to a search warrant affidavit obtained by Dayton Daily News, Shaun admitted to police he should not have used his incapacitated mother’s credit cards and money from her bank accounts to pay for online sex shows and various fetish items. Joseph’s 91-year-old mother resides in a nursing home and is said to be suffering from severe dementia, is partially blind and non-verbal. According to Dayton Daily News Joseph told investigators his mother gave him permission to use her credit cards before she started ‘going south medically’.  He allegedly admitted, however, to officers that his purchases may have been ‘beyond the scope of what she would have permitted’.

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Boner Candidate #3: WHO WAS BATTERING WHO?

A Florida sheriff’s office on Wednesday said it had opened an internal investigation after video surfaced showing a deputy punching a suspect who was handcuffed to a hospital bed. Officer bodycam footage showed Broward County Sheriff Deputy Jorge Sobrino punching David O’Connell and aggressively twisting his arm at a South Florida hospital in January. Sobrino arrested O’Connell, 26, at a Walmart in Pompano Beach, Florida, while responding to a domestic disturbance report. O’Connell was apprehend on charges of resisting without violence and taken Broward Health North in Deerfield Beach, Florida, for injuries he sustained during the arrest. That’s when the two got into a heated exchange. “Hey, I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be here. I wanna sign off!” O’Connell is heard yelling in the video. “I wanna sign off!” Sobrino then closes the door, and orders O’Connell, who had one hand cuffed to the hospital bed, to sit down — but he refused.

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