Boner of the Day

Boner of the Day for April 3rd, 2019

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: WELL, IT DID GET THE ATTENTION OF THE CLASS

After a middle school teacher allegedly slammed a classroom door onto a student’s hand hard enough for it to sever three of her fingertips, her family is suing the Maryland school district for negligence. According to the lawsuit, obtained by the Capital Gazette, a MacArthur Middle School student was airlifted to the hospital in early October 2017 after her French teacher, Steven Akers, closed the door on her hand. The student, who is a minor, allegedly got up to ask Akers a question when she placed her left hand on “the door jam of the class door frame.” The teacher was then attempting to get the class’ attention and “slammed the door directly on (the student’s) fingers, namely her pointer, middle and ring fingers, severing the tips of all three fingers.” The school’s principal called 911 before the student was brought to Union Memorial Hospital, where she got surgery on her fingers. Her father, Javier Benitez, and the family’s attorney, Stephen Campen, claim that the incident has left the student with significant deformities to her middle and ring fingers.  “She was in the process of trying to teach herself how to play the piano but has had to discontinue that pursuit,” Campen wrote in the suit.

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Boner Candidate #2: FEELING LIKE THE END IS NIGH? JUST TAKE ONE OF THESE

A prescription pill bottle used as a handout accompanying a church lesson, reportedly making light of suicide, is resulting in public outcry. A social media post by a congregation member who received the pill bottle shows the label prescribing “anti-boo-hoo-tics” — a play on the word “antibiotic.” It goes on to advise calling 1-800-PRAYER if feeling alone, full of doubt or if a person is afraid. That bottle was handed out Sunday at an Orem singles’ ward of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, following a discussion about suicide prevention, the stake president of the LDS ward confirmed. One of the people who saw the post online was Chalon Stark. She re-posted it with the proper suicide prevention numbers and links attached. It’s a topic that hits too close to home for her, having lost her own dad to suicide in 2003. She’s outraged that anyone would hand out something like this, suggesting instead that whomever is teaching about suicide prevention should in fact get educated themselves before imparting that knowledge. We tried to get to the bottom of the whole thing on Monday. The original poster declined to comment for this story. The bishop of the ward hung up on us, twice.

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Boner Candidate #3: THE SURVEY ALSO SAYS THAT THOSE MEN ARE BONERS

It can be hard to argue for remedies to a problem when there’s still a debate about whether that problem exists. This dilemma has stymied advocates decrying issues that range from climate change to discrimination. And a new poll from SurveyMonkey, revealed first by TIME, shows that a significant belief gap exists when it comes to the issue of equal pay. According to an online poll of 8,566 American adults conducted in March, nearly half of men (46%) believe that the pay gap “is made up to serve a political purpose,” rather than being a “legitimate issue.” And about a quarter of men ages 18 to 34 (24%) say that media reports of men and women being paid unequally are “fake news,” one option provided in the poll. Overall, 62% of Americans believe that men make more money than women for similar types of work, with men and younger Americans most likely to incorrectly say that there is no gap in pay. According to the latest data from the U.S. Census Bureau, women in America are on average making about 81 cents for every dollar that a man makes. April 2, 2019 is Equal Pay Day, a date chosen to symbolize how far into the year a woman must work in order to make what a man did the year before.

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Round 2

Boner Candidate #1: THE MIRACLE OF BIRTHS….RECORDED WITHOUT YOUR KNOWLEDGE

A women’s hospital in La Mesa, California used hidden cameras to secretly record approximately 1,800 patients without their consent, according to a lawsuit. The recordings filmed activity in three labor and delivery rooms at the Women’s Center at Sharp Grossmont Hospital over a period of more than 11 months beginning in summer 2012. Captured in the images: partially robed women on operating tables, cesarean sections, and newly delivered babies. At times, according to the lawsuit filed last week, the women’s genital areas were visible, as were their faces. “It’s the most fundamental breach of privacy,” said Allison Goddard, a lawyer representing more than 80 women who say they were filmed. Goddard says she’s obtained five videos from the hospital and has requested about 100 more. “I have seen, for example, a video of a C-section, and it shows the patient being rolled into the operating room. It shows the patient being prepped for surgery. You could see her hospital gown tucked up under her breasts. You could see her bare belly,” Goddard said.

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Boner Candidate #2: THE MANLY TUCKER CARLSON

Fox News host Tucker Carlson tore into MSNBC host Chris Hayes on Monday for hosting a town hall on the Green New Deal with Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, D-N.Y. Carlson said Hayes is taking orders from “moron” Ocasio-Cortez. “Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is a moron and nasty and more self-righteous than any televangelist who ever preached a sermon on cable access,” Carlson said on his show which competes directly in prime time with Hayes’ show. Carlson prefaced his comment on Ocasio-Cortez’s intelligence by attacking Hayes. “Chris Hayes is what every man would be if feminists ever achieved absolute power in this country: apologetic, bespectacled and deeply, deeply concerned about global warming and the patriarchal systems that cause it,” he said. “All we have to do is obey her and be very, very good people,” added Carlson in regards to what he said was Hayes’ view of the freshman representative.

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Boner Candidate #3: WATER CANNONS, WHY WATER CANNONS?

Amsterdam has taken pornography into uncharted territory – the fifth dimension. And that’s thanks to a new sex cinema called ‘5D Porn’, which beckons customers to ‘see, hear, feel, move’. Inside visitors watch X-rated movies shown in 3D and with a variety of sensory effects – wind, water, bubbles, lights and snow – that sync with the action.  To make the experience all the more thrilling, the seats move and vibrate. The owner of the cinema, Natalie, said that the movies screened have been made exclusively for the experience, in collaboration with porn star Kim Holland. Each entry ticket entitles guests to see one movie and there are six screenings of that film an hour. Natalie told MailOnline Travel that the movie is sexy and funny. She said: ‘The movie is about a guy who comes to Amsterdam and experiences the Red Light District in a very funny, sexy way. For example he has a visit to the famous bananenbar, he will visit the windows, he will be having sex in a bubble bath and so on. ‘There is a lot of humour in the movie. We noticed that women also really like it. It is not about guys going inside to do ‘’their” thing.’ She added: ‘It is really a 2.0 experience. Everybody looking for sex combined with a big laugh will be happy to come here.’

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