ROUND ONE
Boner Candidate #1: EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL
A graduate student in Florida waited 11 days. Positive. A 14-year-old in California waited 24 days. Negative. A writer in New York has waited for four days—and is still waiting. As the United States struggles to control the COVID-19 pandemic, people across the country are using Twitter to announce the arrival of their virus test results. The point of these tweets is not just to broadcast the result itself, but to point out the absurdity of receiving a result so stale that it’s almost completely useless from a public health standpoint. Social media posts from July and August make clear a frustrating reality: some Americans are getting their results in mere hours, while others are waiting days, even weeks. To illustrate the problem, TIME set out to create a map showing average test result wait times across the country. What we found instead was that wait times are not just a product of geography, but also of a messy, disparate system of labs and agencies all grappling with supply shortages, logistical challenges, and a lack of federal guidance. The chaos is all but impossible to neatly map and track—but what we learned along the way sheds light on a fundamentally broken system that’s hampering the country’s ability to effectively respond to the pandemic.
Boner Candidate #2: I WAS GIVING THE BOY A TOW
Greenfield Township, PA — It probably seemed like a brilliant idea at the time. Nicole Paris’s son and a friend had gone for a long bicycle ride when they got tired on the trip home. So the boy called his mother for a lift back to their Pennsylvania residence. But when Paris, 34, reached the children, she realized that her car was not big enough for the juveniles and their bicycles. So, cops say, Paris “came up with the idea” to place a towel in the car’s rear hatch, which then would serve as a towline for the children to hold onto while sitting atop their bikes. However, as described in a criminal complaint, Paris’s invention failed miserably when her son “lost his grip” on the towel and fell off his bicycle. The boy’s friend then proceeded to run over his pal with his bicycle. The complaint does not reveal the ages of the boys, or whether either suffered injuries. During a police investigation of the June 23 incident, Paris’s son “stated he wanted his mother charged and he would testify in court to this incident.” Paris was charged with two misdemeanor counts of endangering the welfare of children. She was also charged with allowing the minors to hang onto a moving vehicle.
Boner Candidate #3: THIS IS THE LAST TIME WE LET UNCLE ANGUS BRING MUSIC TO THE REUNION
A technologically challenged uncle accidentally streamed Pornhub in front of his entire family while trying to play music through the TV. The red-faced relative was caught on viral Twitter video fumbling with his phone after the X-rated videos popped up on the screen — his family members screaming and giggling in the background. The screen showed a woman mid-sex act as the clumsy uncle desperately tried to close the browser. “Caught a f—ing belter! Oh my God!” the woman yells on the video, using Scottish slang for an incompetent person. The 17-second clip, originally posted in July, has received more than 6.4 million views.
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ROUND TWO
Boner Candidate #1: TONE IT DOWN, ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL
52-year-old actor Anthony Michael Hall was caught on video cursing out a group of people hanging out poolside at the South Congress Hotel in Austin, Texas on Wednesday — and now he’s apologizing for it. Sources told TMZ that the “Breakfast Club” star arrived with his wife and assistant and was blasting music out of his own speakers, disrupting other guests and cursing. That’s when other poolside guests reportedly asked the actor to “tone it down.” In response, Hall allegedly began spewing off profanities and splashing water. He even called one guest Rosie O’Donnell, as heard on TMZ’s video. Hotel security was reportedly called to the scene during the dispute and Hall eventually left the area. TMZ reports that cops were not called to the scene. Hall then issued a statement of apology after the ordeal was caught on film. “As a result of a misunderstanding and miscommunication between myself and some hotel guests, the situation needlessly and regrettably escalated,” he told TMZ. “I am deeply sorry for my words and actions and ask for forgiveness from anyone who I may have offended.”
Boner Candidate #2: PEE IN A BUCKET…OKAY THEN, A BOTTLE
Yorkshire, UK – Aspiring barristers (that’s what the Brits call lawyers) have claimed they were forced to urinate in bottles and buckets in front of their laptops while taking their online bar exams remotely. The students said they were told they could fail their two-hour and 45 minute paper if they left their seats or did not maintain screen eye contact. The Bar Standards Board said it had provided “straightforward guidance”. Some students had to use the receptacles while being monitored by a remote invigilator through webcams. One student from Hull described the situation as “ridiculous”. Aspiring barrister Sophie Lamb, 28, who studies at the BPP University Law School in Leeds, said she was forced to use a bucket as a toilet while sat in front of her laptop in her kitchen during the test. Miss Lamb, who lives near Hull, East Yorkshire, said: “To be honest it was a bit ridiculous – the fact that this is an organisation that is meant to be promoting our ethical standards, but also our welfare.” She added: “I had to put the bucket under the chair and I was wearing a long dress and had to squat down, but make sure my face was still on camera.” The professional ethics exam, which was set by the Bar Standards Board (BSB), is one of three centralised tests they must sit as part of the Bar Professional Training Course. Bar student Tian Juin See said he had to urinate into a bottle while maintaining eye contact with his laptop screen so he would not be accused of cheating.
Boner Candidate #3: I HAD A LOT OF MATERIAL THAT NEEDED TO GO DOWN
Melbourne, FL — A man who was apparently upset about being arrested repeatedly flushed the toilet in his cell until it flooded the area then made a death threat toward the officer who took him into custody, according to the Melbourne Police Department. Police said a man flagged them down Wednesday on Longwood Boulevard to let them know that a man later identified as John Adams, 40, had just stolen his Schwinn bicycle from his garage. The victim confronted Adams and got the $150 bike back, but he still wanted to press charges since he had surveillance video of the incident and his family was home at the time, records show.Police said they located Adams nearby and took him into custody. Once placed in a cell in the booking area, Adams became “extremely irate,” started banging on the cell doors and then flushed the cell toilet repeatedly until the booking room flooded, according to the affidavit. As Adams was being taken to the Brevard County Jail, he berated the officer with racial and homophobic slurs. Records show that once the officer turned off his in-car camera as they arrived at the jail, Adams told him, “You’re going to be killed when this is over.” Adams is facing charges of occupied burglary, grand theft and threatening a law enforcement officer.
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