Boners

Boner of the Day for August 4th, 2020

ROUND ONE

Boner Candidate #1: THE ARYAN NATION WILL RULE ALL

A self declared white supremacist has been filmed slapping a female bartender in the face in sickening footage taken at a Florida restaurant. The man – identified as Nicholas Arnold Schock – lashed out after declaring the ‘Aryan nation will rule all’ and telling people to ‘call Trump’ as they try to restrain him. Schock, 36, has been charged with one count of battery and one count of disturbing the peace, The Herald Tribune reports. He has a long list of arrests dating back to 2000, records show. The clip was shared online and is understood to have been taken at Pop’s Sunset Grill in Nokomis on Friday. A witness told police Schock claimed to have ‘killed n******’ and threatened to kill ‘everyone in the establishment’, Newsweek reports. In the footage the man identified Schock is topless with what appears to be a swastika tattoo and his shorts open, exposing himself. He shouts: ‘I’m a white supremacist. The Aryan nation will rule the world! People covered in tattoos are going to be my closest relatives, I promise you.’ As restaurant staff move to try and calm him down the man shouts: ‘I don’t give a f***, call Donald Trump, please. I’m not going nowhere. I will butt-f*** this bitch on the table right now. ‘If you don’t know Donald Trump, I’m not going nowhere.’

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Boner Candidate #2: PARTY BOAT, WAA-HOOO.

The Liberty Belle, a riverboat with four bars, three outdoor decks and space for 600 guests, has been touted by its operators as a “favorite venue” of New Yorkers who hold parties, fund-raisers and other trendy events on the water. But now it has become yet another symbol of reckless socializing during the pandemic: The boat was used on Saturday to host a party with more than 170 guests, violating state and local social-distancing rules, according to the New York Sheriff’s Office. Even though the outbreak is mostly under control in New York, city and state officials are expressing growing alarm about the dangers posed by social gatherings where people violate the public health rules imposed to slow the transmission of the coronavirus. Events with high drink or ticket prices — like a recent charity concert in the Hamptons featuring D.J. performances from the chief executive of Goldman Sachs and the Chainsmokers — have drawn harsh criticism as examples of careless behavior from the wealthy, who have largely escaped the worst of the outbreak as the virus has ravaged poorer communities. It was unclear what kind of party was held on the Liberty Belle and how much organizers might have charged for admission.

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Boner Candidate #3: THIS IS NOT PART OF THE HUNGRY HOWIE’S PIZZA BUSINESS PLAN

Fruitland Park, FL — Meet Steven Lee Donovan. The 22-year-old pizza deliveryman was allegedly pleasuring himself Tuesday night while seated behind the wheel of a 1996 Honda Civic parked outside a Circle K in Fruitland Park, Florida. While Donovan was masturbating, a woman whose car was parked next to the Honda noticed that the vehicle’s sole inhabitant had penis in hand and was stroking himself in “up and down motions.” Unfortunately for Donovan, the witness was an off-duty cop from a neighboring city. She copied down the Honda’s license plate (JACR06), which she subsequently provided to police dispatchers. A Fruitland Park Police Department report notes that a review of surveillance footage captured the suspect–who wore a black mask–“pulling his pants down as he grabs his genital area” and “making a continual motion with his genital area.” Cops tracked the vehicle to a residence where they found Donovan, who works for a Hungry Howie’s pizza franchise, and Maxine Munro, his 20-year-old girlfriend (and the car’s registrant). During questioning, Donovan reportedly told police that he drove to Circle K around 10:00 PM to grab a post-work drink.

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ROUND TWO

Boner Candidate #1: THEY THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY.

Three female employees at a medical examiner’s office in Michigan have been fired — after a worker brought a cake decorated with an image of a black penis into an office lunch room, according to a report. A death investigator at the Macomb County Medical Examiner’s Office filed a July 18 complaint with the US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission regarding the explicit cake an off-duty staffer served in late May — one day after George Floyd died while in police custody in Minneapolis, the Detroit Free Press reports. “I was livid — furious actually,” the unidentified employee told the newspaper. “All these cities are on fire for the Black Lives Matter movement, and here’s my staff eating a black penis cake as a joke? That really pushed me over the edge.” The woman alleges the cake was part of an “ongoing hostile work environment” at the morgue, including employees mocking black relatives who inquired about their deceased loved ones and porn openly strewn about the office, the newspaper reports.“The office culture is tainted with racism toward people of color,” the complaint states. “This was not only ignored by managing personnel, but participated in by the supervising staff.”

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Boner Candidate #2: WE DON’T GET TO MAKE FUN OF UTAH COUNTY ANY MORE.

 

Boner Candidate #3: TRYING TO MAKE THE MOUSE PAY UP.

According to CNN, the misprinted signatures were on 176 tax refund checks. The error was the result of a technical glitch in the printing system for the state’s Division of Taxation. The state’s news station WPRI reported that Mickey Mouse and Walt Disney are the names used on dummy checks for internal testing. Jade Borgeson, chief of staff for Rhode Island’s Department of Revenue, told CNN that the test-image files were mistakenly used on the real checks. Rhode Island’s state treasurer Seth Magaziner and state controller Peter Keenan should have been the signatures featured on the checks. In a photo posted by NBC 10 WJAR online, Mickey Mouse’s name was printed where Magaziner’s should have been, and Disney’s took Keenan’s spot. The 176 tax refund checks were mostly corporate tax refunds and were mailed to taxpayers on Monday. The misprinted checks were mostly related to business taxes, like sales tax, corporate refunds and tax credit refunds. After they were mistakenly mailed out, the checks were voided and can no longer be deposited.

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