Boners

Boner of the Day for December 21st, 2020

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: PEOPLE ARE THE WORST SOMETIMES.

MONTGOMERY, Ala. – The Montgomery Police Department is on the lookout for a real life Grinch after the Salvation Army reported that one of their red donation kettle’s has been stolen and is now being used for personal gain. Lt. Bryan Farrington with the Salvation Army said they are not sure how, but someone was able to steal one of their kettles and stands and was last seen in downtown Montgomery posing as an employee trying to collect money for personal use. Farrington said when the suspect was confronted, he fled the area on foot. Police said the subject was last seen on Thursday, and that an arrest has not been made. Farrington is now asking the community to be sure that when you donate, you are dropping your cash in the right kettle. “I’m not sure if the plan was taking it different places and using that as a way to get money from the community, but we felt like it was our responsibility to let the community know that if you see somebody out there that doesn’t have on a red apron, that’s not standing in front of one of the stores – the Walmart’s, the Winn-Dixie’s, the Belks, the Hobby Lobby’s, that doesn’t have a stand with a sign on it and the kettle will be chained to it. That’s not us,” Farrington said.

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Boner Candidate #2: WELL, YOU GOT WHAT YOU DESERVE.

Despite being behind bars “Pharma Bro” Martin Shkreli just can’t stop making headlines. Apparently one New York journalist did get a bit lost in Martin’s sauce, as a new Elle feature reveals how former Bloomberg News reporter Christie Smythe fell in love with the notorious grifter while covering his various legal battles and controversies. Smythe would eventually leave her husband and career for a relationship with the 37-year-old, who is currently serving a seven-year sentence. I fell down the rabbit hole,” Smythe told Elle of her life-changing relationship. “I’m happy here. I feel like I have purpose.” Smythe, who has sold the movie rights to a book about Shkreli, is still planning to wait for her boo behind bars, even though (mild spoiler alert) he now isn’t speaking to her because of the Elle story. “Mr. Shkreli wishes Ms. Smythe the best of luck in her future endeavors,” a statement from Shkreli said to the magazine.

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Boner Candidate #3: WHATS CHRISTMAS WITHOUT A WALMART BRAWL.

Shopping rage isn’t easing up in the pandemic — a shouting match inside a Walmart turned violent, and ended with a woman getting stomped in the face. You can see in the video, this confrontation between 2 women went from zero to 100 real quick in the Walmart near Charlotte, and the reason? Reportedly, a PS5 gaming console, naturally. The woman with long braids was getting ready to throw hands, and asked her opponent, “What the f**k are you gonna do?” A man riding a motorized cart, actually tried to deescalate the sitch by getting between the women — but you can see, he failed, and after a hot minute … all hell broke loose. Hair was pulled, punches were thrown … and in the end, the woman with braids appeared to be knocked out cold.
Law enforcement sources tell us cops did respond when this went down on December 13 … but no one was cited or arrested because both parties were gone when officers arrived.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: IT WAS THE DOG. THE DOG WAS DRIVING.

British Columbia, Canada – It looks like this dog forgot to keep its paws at 10 and 2. In early December, police in Comox were called after a car ended up in a ditch along Lazo Road. Once on the scene, the investigating officer found a woman and her dog in the car. The woman told the officer that the dog was the one behind the wheel. Police say they quickly determined that the woman was under the influence of alcohol. She was then issued a 90-day immediate roadside prohibition, after refusing to provide a breath sample. According to ICBC, pets should be buckled up too. Just like people, the auto insurer says animals need to be buckled up for safety. “Having your pet properly restrained can prevent them from escaping, flying forward in your vehicle, or being hurt in a crash,” it says. Keeping your pet secured in your vehicle also prevents you from driving while distracted, ICBC says, adding that driver distraction is a leading cause of car crashes in British Columbia.

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Boner Candidate #2: I THINK THE ACLU OF UTAH WILL NEED TO HIRE A NEW LAWYER.

SALT LAKE CITY — A brand new ACLU of Utah Staff Attorney was booked into jail early Saturday morning for allegedly firing a gun at a car with his children inside. Aaron Kinikini was arrested on one count of aggravated assault, three counts of domestic violence in the presence of a child, one count of criminal mischief, one count of unlawful detention and one count of discharge of firearms. On Thursday, the ACLU of Utah announced the recent hiring of Kinikini as the affiliate’s Staff Attorney. Previously, Kinikini served as the Legal Director at the Utah Disability Law Center. According to arrest documents, the mother of at least three of Kinikini’s children came to pick them up. When the mother and the children were in the vehicle, Kinikini stood behind the vehicle, preventing them from leaving. Kinikini says the vehicle drove at him at a high rate of speed when he used a handgun to fire at the car, according to a probably cause statement. The shots that were fired hit the driver side front and rear tires.

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Boner Candidate #3: I SUED ‘EM AND I WON

A 42-year-old man has won in court after he sued his parents for ‘wanton destruction of property’ after they tossed out his prized collection of adult magazines and films. The question now because what his trove of treasures was worth. Seriously though, all I can hear in my head right now is the sound of Billy Madison saying ‘Nudie Magazine Day, Nudie Magazine Day’ as he awaited his latest shipment to arrive. This is how I’m picturing this person in my head, exactly like Billy Madison when I’m sure that wasn’t the case at all. 42-year-old David Werking moved in with his parents in 2016 after a divorce. He’d later move to Muncie, Indiana and the assumption was his parents would deliver all of his belongings including the ‘dozen boxes’ of adult magazines and films, some of which are irreplaceable now. He was wrong. His parents tossed out his glorious collection and the dad said he was doing David a favor! Dave’s dad would later write in an email “Frankly, David, I did you a big favor getting rid of all this stuff.”

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