Boners

Boner of the Day for December 7th, 2020

ROUND ONE

Boner Candidate #1: WELL, TOM TERRIFIC MUST DESERVE IT

The CARES Act passed by Congress in March included money to help small businesses through the pandemic—including one owned by a certain multimillionaire quarterback. A Paycheck Protection Program loan of $960,855 went to Tom Brady’s TB12, CNBC reports. The same month, Brady agreed to a two-year, $50 million contract with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. In April, the Massachusetts-based company announced it was expanding to Tampa, New York, and Los Angeles. TB12 sells clothing, nutritional supplements, and workout equipment. PPP loans are guaranteed by the Small Business Administration but come from third-party lenders. If the borrower shows that the money helped preserve jobs, the loan can be forgiven, per the Washington Post. There was no indication of the number of TB12 jobs saved by the federal money. PPP checks of at least $150,000 have gone to more than 500 sports companies, per the Sports Business Journal. The Los Angeles Lakers got a $4.6 million loan but sent it back when the federal fund ran dry.

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Boner Candidate #2: SPORTS BUILDS CHARACTER

(CNN)A South Texas high school football player was charged with assault after rushing from the sideline and knocking a referee to the ground during a game, according to Hildalgo County jail records. Emmanuel Duron, 18, was charged by the Edinburg Consolidated Independent School District police with assault causing bodily injury, the jail records show. He was being held on a $10,000 cash or surety bond. It’s unclear if Duron has an attorney. CNN has reached out to his parents for comment but has not heard back. The school district says that it has removed the Edinburg High School football team from the playoffs after the alleged assault. Interim Superintendent Gilbert Garza Jr. decided to remove the team after consulting with senior officials with the University Interscholastic League (UIL) and legal counsel for the district, the school system said in a Friday news release. UIL oversees extracurricular academic, athletic, and music contests for most Texas schools.

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Boner Candidate #3: I NEED SOMETHING TO BRING MY HAIR BACK

Lawrenceburg, KY — A bald Kentucky man caused a disturbance at a salon after he asked a worker if she “had a product to bring his hair back and she told him no,” according to police who busted the chrome-domed invader. Jeffery Trent, 46, was arrested after allegedly causing a disturbance inside a salon in Lawrenceburg, a city 25 miles west of Lexington. As detailed in a court citation, the 6’3”, 250-pound Trent walked into the Frame Clinic and Gallery around 10:40 AM and asked about “product to bring his hair back.” An employee at the salon–which also doubles as an art gallery and frame shop–told Trent that no such magic potion was available. At this point, cops report, Trent “became belligerent and created a disturbance inside the business.” He was subsequently arrested on a misdemeanor disorderly conduct charge.

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ROUND TWO

Boner Candidate #1: BAD BOY, BAD BOY

Collier County, FL — A man accused of trying to street race in the Naples area blared the “Cops” TV show theme song from his speakers after he was pulled over, according to the Collier County Sheriff’s Office. Deputies said they had just finished up a call around 11:15 p.m. Wednesday on U.S. 41 North when they saw a red Ford Mustang and a silver Infiniti slow roll past them. Then, according to authorities, the passenger of the Mustang leaned out the window and yelled “20 roll on three,” which deputies said means to start racing at 20 mph. The passenger, Arlington Joel Aguilar Hernandez, counted to three out loud, records show. Deputies said they got into their patrol vehicles and saw as the Mustang and Infiniti stopped at a red light then slammed on the gas, causing the Mustang’s tires to spin, as soon as the light turned green. The drivers were going 80 mph to 95 mph in a 55 mph zone, a news release said.

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Boner Candidate #2: RIPPED OFF DURING GRIEVING.

BOUNTIFUL, Utah — Byron Sessions Jr. is buried here at the city cemetery, though you might not be able to tell that. His grave is unmarked. The headstone Sessions purchased before his death hasn’t been installed. “It’s black,” said Sessions’ daughter, Shelley Snyder, “and it has all of his grandkids’ names engraved on the back of it.” After Sessions died in September at age 76 and was buried with military honors to recognize his service in the Air Force, Snyder tried to contact the company with the headstone – Nationwide Monument, of Ogden. Months later, Snyder still doesn’t have the marker. “The silly thing to me is it’s complete,” Snyder said. “It’s paid for. All they have to do is just hand it over.” Snyder is one of at least a dozen Nationwide Monument customers across the country who have contacted FOX 13 or posted online in recent weeks saying they paid the company for headstones that have not been delivered. The customers say Nationwide Monument has stopped returning their calls and emails.

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Boner Candidate #3: THE GOOD LORD IS IN CONTROL

YOUNGSVILLE — The town’s defiant Christmas parade began with whooping police sirens, and state Rep. Lisa Stone Barnes waving to the crowd from the back of a red convertible, wearing gloves but no mask. Behind her, a float carried well-wishers from Wellspring Church, who covered their faces but tossed handfuls of candy to the children on the sidewalk. A truck bearing a Trump flag blew its horn. Unmasked carolers strolled past, singing “Angels We Have Heard on High,” and strumming a guitar. And for 22 minutes, roughly 500 people cheered. “I’m taking the risk,” said Lindsey Newton, a pre-K teacher who lives along the parade route, and who also wore a mask. “It’s tradition. If I could go to every person and say ‘Put your mask on,’ I’d probably get hit in the face. All I can say is the Good Lord’s in control.” Youngsville stood alone in the Triangle area and much of the state, declining to cancel its parade against strong urgings from the Franklin County Health Department. Among the crowd, perhaps half the parade-watchers wore masks, and roughly that many followed safety precautions from the floats. While some kept to tight family clusters and warned of invading bubble space, just as many did not.

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