Boners

Boner of the Day for February 1st, 2021

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: I LIKE AN ORGY AS MUCH AS THE NEXT PERSON, BUT THIS?

Up to 100 people who took part in an illegal orgy in France have been slapped with fines after the event was broken up by police. Officers raided the warehouse in Collegien, a suburb of Paris, on Friday night following reports of men and women meeting for the so-called ‘libertine’ party which breached Covid-19 regulations. Three people, believed to be the organisers, were arrested following the event. The orgy infringed the current 6pm to 6am curfew across France aimed at curtailing the spread of Covid-19. “The event was in breach of the curfew, and there were also problems with masks and social distancing,” said an investigating source. “Those involved in the libertine party cooperated with the police, and there was no resistance to the police.” The 9pm raid happened as French President Emmanuel Macron contemplates plunging the country into a third lockdown amid 20,000 new coronavirus cases a day.

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Boner Candidate #2: WELL, NO ONE IS GOING TO LOOK FOR THAT KID.

Henderson, TX — He did say he always comes back! Texas officials were left red-faced when the Texas Department of Safety accidentally sent out an Amber Alert claiming that “Child’s Play” puppet Chucky had abducted his son, Glen Ray (featured in “Seed of Chucky”) and was on the run while wielding a huge kitchen knife. According to the Alert, captured by TMZ, “the abducted Glen, 5, weighing 5 pounds and standing at 2-foot-3, was last seen in Henderson, Texas, and the suspect, Chucky, 28, was in his classic blue denim overalls and striped shirt.” “This alert is a result of a test malfunction,” the Texas DPS told TMZ. “We apologize for the confusion this may have caused and are diligently working to ensure this does not happen again.”

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Boner Candidate #3: REALLY!? I CAN’T SWEAR HERE OR I WOULD.

Dodger Stadium’s mass COVID-19 vaccination site was temporarily shut down Saturday afternoon when about 50 protesters gathered at the entrance, frustrating hundreds of motorists who had been waiting in line for hours. The Los Angeles Fire Department closed the entrance to the stadium — one of the largest vaccination sites in the country — for about an hour starting just before 2 p.m. as a precaution, officials said. Several LAPD officers also responded to the scene; a spokeswoman for the department said no arrests were made. Andrea Garcia, a spokeswoman for Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti, said that despite the 55-minute interruption, no appointments were canceled. “We remain committed to vaccinating Angelenos as quickly and safely as possible,” she said. The demonstrators included members of anti-vaccine and far-right groups. While some carried signs decrying the COVID-19 vaccine and shouting for people not to get the shots, there were no incidents of violence.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: HE’S A HAPPY MONKEY

Elon Musk says one of his startups has a monkey with wires going into its brain that’s able to play video games. “He’s a happy monkey,” said Musk, the chief executive officer of electric-vehicle maker Tesla Inc. and backer of numerous other futuristic projects, including Neuralink Corp., a startup focused on developing a brain-computer interface. He said videos of the plugged-in simians would be released soon, perhaps in around a month. Musk was speaking on Clubhouse, a private social app where users host off-the-cuff, informal conversations. Although Clubhouse seems like nothing more than an app to hop onto various conference calls, it has become a popular platform for an estimated 5 million users, a jump from 3 million 10 days earlier. The entrepreneur was asked about the latest developments at San Francisco-based Neuralink, which was unveiled in 2017. Musk, who also founded rocket company Space Exploration Technologies Corp. and is now the world’s richest person, is known for his wide interests, from artificial intelligence to underground highways.

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Boner Candidate #2: I WAS JUST HAVING A LITTLE FUN.

A man has been arrested in Berlin on allegations he made radio contact with air traffic, including police helicopters, and gave fake flight orders while impersonating an aviation official, German police said Friday. The 32-year-old, whose identity wasn’t released in line with German privacy laws, was arrested Thursday night in the capital’s eastern Koepenick district, police said. Police were able to swoop in on his apartment after he made contact with a police helicopter that was dispatched to the neighborhood in the hope of flushing him out. During a search of his home, police found two radios that transmitted on the frequencies needed to make contact with aircraft. “For everyone who has been asking about our police helicopter operations in Koepenick, an unusual arrest,” Berlin police tweeted, with a link to more details. The man is alleged to have made contact with pilots of passenger and transport aircraft, as well as state and federal police helicopters, over the past six months, giving “potentially dangerous” instructions and becoming increasingly professional with his communications.

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Boner Candidate #3: AND THE YEAR IS 2021.

A police chief and a patrolman from a small city in Georgia were ousted from their positions after body camera footage was discovered in which the pair made racist comments about slavery and Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms of Atlanta. Gene Allmond, the chief of the police department in Hamilton, Ga., resigned Monday, said Buddy Walker, an assistant to the mayor, Julie Brown. The patrolman, John Brooks, was fired on Tuesday after he offered to resign but did not return his department-issued equipment on time as promised, Mr. Walker said. The video, which was recorded in June on a body camera that Mr. Brooks was wearing and was posted online by television news station WTVM, shows Mr. Brooks using a racial slur while making lewd comments about Ms. Bottoms and Stacey Abrams, the former Democratic candidate for governor.

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