Boners

Boner of the Day for February 22nd, 2021

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: BRIBING THE TSA

Johntrell White, 29, and Nadia Bailey, 28, were charged with bribery and flown back to the mainland. The two allegedly flew to Daniel K. Inouye International Airport without any coronavirus test results and told an airport screener not to alert officials in exchange for money. White is accused of offering the screener $2,000 to avoid quarantine, and Bailey offered the same screener an additional $1,000, the Hawaii Attorney General’s Office and Department of Public Safety reported in a covid-19 update from the governor’s office. “The screener alerted deputy sheriffs, who arrested them both for bribery. White and Bailey were booked and released and immediately flew back to the mainland,” the governor’s news update stated. “The attorney general’s investigation is continuing.” Bribery is punishable in Hawaii by up to 15 years in prison and can be fined up to triple the bribe amount. Hawaii wants tourists. Tourists want Hawaii. But the rules are complicated.
Hawaii’s “Safe Travels” program requires all visitors to present a negative coronavirus test done by a state-approved lab within 72 hours of travel.

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Boner Candidate #2: THIS IS NOT A SNAKE; THIS IS A POO

The municipality police of the Czech town of Milovice had a rather smelly case to deal with. They received a phone call from a terrified woman telling them that she found a snake in her toilet. She blocked the toilet and waited anxiously for the officers to rescue her. The police hurried to her apartment thinking how big of a snake can fit in a toilet bowl and what would be the best technique to use for the capture, Police Weekly reports. When they arrived at the scene, they found the toilet lid covered by electronics the woman put there to prevent the animal from escaping to her flat. As he didn’t end up bitten and no creature managed to escape from under the lid, the officers used a flashlight to investigate the insides of the toilet bowl. What they found was, by no means, a venomous snake, even though the shape of the object did share some similarity. Disgusted by the brown finding, they decided to eliminate it by flushing it to the place where such items belong. They said their goodbyes to the embarrassed lady and left to solve another mysterious case.

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Boner Candidate #3: I WAS LONELY

Vero Beach, FL — A man who was spotted pleasuring himself inside a Kia in a Walmart parking lot told Florida cops that he was “lonely” because his former girlfriend was in Colorado, according to an arrest report. Police were summoned yesterday afternoon to a Walmart in Vero Beach by a woman who reported that a man who was parked next to her was masturbating while behind the wheel of a car that had its driver’s side window open. Upon arriving at the parking lot, cops stopped a Kia with out-of-state plates and asked the driver to exit the vehicle. When Kyle Weiss, 26, stepped out of his car, there was little doubt he was the suspect being sought: “I noticed that he had an obvious erection protruding in his shorts,” a cop reported. Weiss initially denied exposing himself, and claimed that he was at the retailer “as a food shopper,” adding that “his business is like Uber Eats, buying food and delivering it to customers.” During further questioning, Weiss reportedly admitted that he was lying to police. Asked by an Indian River County Sheriff’s Office deputy how he “crossed over from doing his work business to playing with himself,” Weiss “said he is lonely as his ex-girlfriend is in Colorado.”

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: GIULIANI AND LIMBAUGH… GREAT AMERICANS.

Michelle Wie West had strong words for Rudy Giuliani via Twitter after the former New York City mayor and attorney for former President Donald Trump discussed having joked with radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh several years ago about being able to see the golfer’s underwear when she putted during a golf outing. Appearing on Steve Bannon’s “War Room” podcast Thursday and reminiscing about Limbaugh, who died that day, Giuliani asked if he could tell a story, which involved a round of golf with Limbaugh and Wie West. Giuliani said that Limbaugh complained about all the “paparazzi” trailing the group, then blamed Giuliani for their presence. Giuliani, chuckling, said the cameramen were there to photograph Wie West and not them. “On the green is Michele Wie, and she is getting ready to putt,” Giuliani said, in part. “Now Michelle Wie is gorgeous. She’s 6 feet. And she has a strange putting stance. She bends all the way over. And her panties show. And the press was going crazy. … I said ‘[Rush], it’s not me, it’s not you.'”

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Boner Candidate #2: THIS IS MY COUNTRY

A Mount Sinai Medical Center anesthesiologist has been arrested and charged with a hate crime after police say she attacked a Hispanic man at a Hialeah Publix, vandalizing his car, calling him a racial slur and vowing to “get rid of every single one of you.” She became enraged, police say, after the man asked her to maintain social distancing while in line at the supermarket. Dr. Jennifer Susan Wright, 58, a white ardent supporter of former President Donald Trump, has been charged with criminal mischief, tampering with a victim and battery with prejudice, a “hate crime” enhancement that upgraded the charge to a felony. Wright, of Miami Springs, was arrested on Friday and later posted bond. She could not be reached for comment on Saturday; her court record does not list a defense lawyer. The alleged attack happened on Jan. 20 — the day President Joseph Biden was inaugurated. It unfolded at the Publix at 155 E. Second Ave, a popular shopping spot for residents from Miami Springs. In line to pay, the woman got too close to a man who asked her in Spanish to please maintain her distance. She ignored his request, police said, so he repeated it in English. The arrest report said she began “mumbling bad words,” and the man ignored her and walked to his car.

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Boner Candidate #3: TWEEZERS, I WON’T USE THEM… NO SIR

Copenhgen, Denmark — A 31-year-old Danish tutor from Copenhagen has a message for potential suitors: Take this tweezer and shove it. Eldina Jaganjac is fed up with what she says are ridiculous beauty standards imposed on women — especially when it comes to hair removal. Jaganjac ditched the tweezer she once used to trim back her unibrow and the razor to shave her upper lip back in March 2020. She said she was just as feminine with the hair there. Not all men were as complimentary, Unilad reported. Jaganjac had to cope with a guy yelling ‘pluck that’ or staring at her eyebrows like she has a “third head.” But that, to her, is a positive. She told the outlet that going au naturel is a way to weed out the bad apples among prospective boyfriends. “Before I let my unibrow grow out, I did feel like there were extremely limited options to how women were supposed to look,” Jaganjac said. “If a man doesn’t shave and doesn’t pluck his eyebrows, no one notices or comments and it’s nothing out of the ordinary.” Freed from fussy personal grooming, Jaganjac said she can “focus on the tasks and goals that I need to have done and less on how I appear while doing them.”

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