Round One
Boner Candidate #1: DIVORCE BY COMBAT
No wonder she divorced him. An enraged ex-husband has asked an Iowa court to grant his motion for a “trial by combat” so he and his former partner can settle their differences like a pair of “Game of Thrones” characters. Citing custody issues involving their kids, 40-year-old David Ostrom argues that his wife and her attorney “destroyed” him legally, according to a motion obtained by the Des Moines Register. The Kansas resident asked the judge to step aside so the three of them can meet “on the field of battle” where Ostrom would “rend their souls from their corporal bodies,” the document reportedly states. The ex-wife’s attorney, Matthew Hudson, filed his own motion ridiculing Ostrom’s bizarre request and correcting his spelling.
Boner Candidate #2: BOYS COULD HAVE FUN WITH YOU.
A Michigan state legislator told a reporter that she should “hang around” with teenage boys visiting the state’s Senate chamber because they could “have a lot of fun with you,” the reporter said Wednesday. The remarks by State Senator Peter J. Lucido, a Republican, have prompted leaders from both parties to ask the Senate Business Office to investigate whether the comment amounted to sexual harassment. “Sexual harassment has no place in the Michigan Senate,” the majority leader, Mike Shirkey, a Republican, and the minority leader, Jim Ananich, a Democrat, wrote in a letter Wednesday. “We take these allegations seriously and trust that you will take appropriate action to resolve this matter.” The reporter, Allison Donahue, 22, who covers the Capitol for Michigan Advance, wrote that on Tuesday she was waiting outside the Senate chamber to ask Mr. Lucido about a report that he was a member of a “violent” Facebook group opposing Gov. Gretchen Whitmer, a Democrat.
Boner Candidate #3: ICE CREAM LICKER!
A Texas man pleaded guilty in court Thursday of licking a pint of Blue Bell ice cream in a viral video stunt before returning it to its shelf at a Walmart in Port Arthur, but he’s asking for a lighter punishment. D’ Adrien Anderson, commonly known as “Dapper Don” on Facebook, uploaded a 20-second video of himself removing the tub of homemade vanilla ice cream from the freezer aisle of the store before opening and licking the dessert multiple times, and sticking his finger in it and then putting it back on the store shelf with the lid reattached. The video, taken in August, has garnered more than 157,000 views. Anderson, 24, then purchased the ice cream and no charges were immediately filed against him. Later, the prankster, who bragged that he “trolled all Southeast Texas” with the stunt, was charged with criminal mischief after the Walmart reportedly lost money replacing ice cream tubs and paying charges related to the police investigation, according to Jefferson County District Attorney Bob Wortham.
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Round Two
Boner Candidate #1: HA, HA, HA, HA, ha, ha, h,….um.
California Highway Patrol officials say they received reports of a girl who was signaling for help from the back seat of a car Saturday — but she didn’t really need help at all. Around 5:02 p.m., officers received reports of a girl in the back seat of a moving vehicle holding up a piece of paper that read, “Help me.” The car was initially reported to be on Highway 99 in South Sacramento. Officials eventually located the car on Highway 99 near 8 Mile Road in Stockton and made a “high-risk” stop. Officers said the girl’s mother pulled the car over and they were able to speak with her. That’s when officers say they found out the girl had made it all up, and that she thought it was a fun thing to do. The woman didn’t know what her daughter had been doing and officers let them leave.
Boner Candidate #2: SHE’S VERY UPPITY
A producer for Sean Hannity’s radio show told the host Tuesday that Meghan Markle was “very uppity” for failing to participate in a meeting with other royal family members. (Hear the Media Matters-shared audio below.) Lynda McLaughlin and Hannity were discussing the Duchess of Sussex and Prince Harry’s announced departure from royal duties on “The Sean Hannity Show.” Hannity opined on Meghan’s avoidance of a family chat to strategize the transition. “I didn’t like that Meghan didn’t even get on the phone as she was in Canada, and she was invited to be a part of that meeting,” Hannity said. “That I didn’t like. That, to me is … ” “Yeah, she is very uppity,” McLaughin said, cutting in. “She is one of those liberal elitists, you know?” Hannity replied that he didn’t care about the couple’s politics, then made a few digs at “liberals” and the U.K.’s tax and health care policies. “She’s one of those liberals who doesn’t work,” McLaughlin continued, before taking a swipe at the former “Suits” star’s acting career. “Her hardest job has been reading lines that other people wrote for her. You know what, my heart does not bleed for you, sweetheart. It just doesn’t.”
Boner Candidate #3: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT THEY’RE SAYING?
A deaf man has filed a lawsuit against popular adult site PornHub for not providing closed captioning on their videos. The site, which hosts millions of adult videos, offers all kinds of upgrades to enhance the video watching experience. There’s videos streaming in crisp HD quality, playlists, full screen modes, download options, and a ton of other features for the person looking for a good time. However, the site is making it harder for the deaf community to enjoy. Yaroslav Suris is suing the PornHub video sharing website, claiming “it’s denied the deaf and hearing-impaired access to its videos that others can easily enjoy.” According to court documents, “Suris says a lack of closed captioning violates their rights under the Americans with Disabilities Act.” While many are probably wondering why you would really need closed captioning for pornography, there are more than a few porn fans who do like to watch the movies for the plot and rich storylines. Former Disney Channel star Bella Thorne recently directed a movie for PornHub, which has received praise. She even won an award for her efforts.
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