Boners

Boner of the Day for January 7, 2021

ROUND ONE

Boner Candidate #1: HERE’S A NEW KIDDIE SHOW THAT THE LITTLE ONES WILL LOVE

John Dillermand has an extraordinary penis. So extraordinary, in fact, that it can perform rescue operations, etch murals, hoist a flag and even steal ice-cream from children. The Danish equivalent of the BBC, DR, has a new animated series aimed at four- to eight-year-olds about John Dillermand, the man with the world’s longest penis who overcomes hardships and challenges with his record-breaking genitals. Unsurprisingly, the series has provoked debate about what good children’s television should – and should not – contain. Since premiering on Saturday, opponents have condemned the idea of a man who cannot control his penis. “Is this really the message we want to send to children while we are in the middle of a huge #MeToo wave?” wrote the Danish author Anne Lise Marstrand-Jørgensen.

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Boner Candidate #2: THERE’S YOUR TRUMP SUPPORTER ON THE LOCAL LEVEL

Journalism is enshrined in the First Amendment of our country’s Constitution. And today on the lawn of Utah’s Capitol it was tossed aside. While covering a largely peaceful gathering of those who oppose the results of our presidential election, a Salt Lake Tribune photojournalist was pepper-sprayed and verbally attacked. The protester who sprayed photographer Rick Egan in the eyes had yelled, “Look at you in your f—ing mask, you p—y.” Another protester started shoving him. They were upset Rick was documenting the event.

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Boner Candidate #3: NOW THAT’S A SHARP MUG SHOT

Astor, FL — Meet Tyler Johnathon Cribbs. The 28-year-old Floridian was charged yesterday with robbing an acquaintance of his wallet and phone, according to a probable cause affidavit. Police allege that Cribbs accosted the victim last month as the man exited his residence in Astor, a community 40 miles west of Daytona Beach. The 37-year-old victim told cops that Cribbs reached into his pants pocket and stole his belongings. The victim said that Cribbs subsequently threatened to burn his house down and “told him that every time he sees him, he is going to take everything he’s got.” The victim, who said he has known Cribbs his whole life, added that he has “been robbed by the Defendant previously as well.”

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ROUND TWO

Boner Candidate #1: BLOOD ON HIS HANDS

After violence at Capitol, Hawley still calls for Biden’s votes to be blocked; PA senator responds Senator Josh Hawley condemns the group of rioters that stormed the capitol on Jan. 6 2020. Hawley then criticizes mail-in ballots in Pennsylvania By C-SPAN. No one other than President Donald Trump himself is more responsible for Wednesday’s coup attempt at the U.S. Capitol than one Joshua David Hawley, the 41-year-old junior senator from Missouri, who put out a fundraising appeal while the siege was underway. This, Sen. Hawley, is what law-breaking and destruction look like. This is not a protest, but a riot. One woman who was apparently part of the pro-Trump mob was fatally shot by Capitol Police as lawmakers took cover. Some of those whose actions Trump encouraged and later condoned brought along their Confederate flags.

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Boner Candidate #2: DON’T JUST DUMP YOUR FURRY FRIENDS

CACHE COUNTY, Utah — Surveillance with from the Cache Humane Society shows people driving up to their facility, putting pets in cardboard boxes and driving off. Stacey Frisk, the executive director with the Cache Humane Society said this is a scene they are all too familiar with. “Sometimes people just can’t wait, and they choose to leave animals in the parking lot, in our dumpster or in one of our sheds,” said Frisk. In 2020, Frisk said they saw 28 dogs dropped off, or about two a month. In contrast, Frisk saw 59 cats abandoned at their building–a 50 percent increase for both, compared to 2019. Megan Tilt, the clinic manager with the Cache Humane Society, said they typically house 50 animals and receive shipments from other humane societies throughout the state, making it hard to bring in these abandoned pets.

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Boner Candidate #3: I WAS TIRED AND I SEEN A COUCH

Altoona, PA — An Altoona man is facing criminal trespass charges after he allegedly walked into a stranger’s apartment and passed out on a couch. Matthew Hazlett, 35, allegedly walked into an apartment on Broad Avenue Monday night, and mumbled something to a resident there before sitting down and passing out. Police said the suspect didn’t know how or why he was there. According to the report, Hazlett was snoring and not responding to officers’ original attempts at waking him.

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