Boner of the Day

Boner of the Day for July 31st, 2020

ROUND ONE

Boner Candidate #1: WE CAN’T HAVE THEM THINGS POKIN’ OUT IN UTAH COUNTY

AMERICAN FORK, Utah — A woman claims she was kicked out while trying to donate plasma in Utah County, because of the way she was dressed. Rebecca Ortinez has come to the BioLife Plasma services in American Fork twice a week for the past three weeks. “I never felt like I made anybody uncomfortable,” said Ortinez. On Tuesday, Ortinez told Fox 13 that the manager at BioLife told her her outfit was distracting to employees and other plasma donors. “The manager actually said your nipples are poking out, it’s very distracting,” said Ortinez. “You’re not even wearing a bra and that’s not even considered a shirt.” The conversation made Ortinez feel uncomfortable. Ortinez also said the manager mentioned to her that a lot of return missionaries for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are donors at BioLife — Ortinez said she walked out. “I was thinking about it and I was like, you know that’s really not right,” said Ortinez. Walking back into the facility, Ortinez said she asked the manager to write down what she had been told. “She says no, I will not do that at all,” said Ortinez. Refusing to leave without a written note, Ortinez said she was fine if they called the police.

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Boner Candidate #2: THAT’LL PUT SOME DISTANCE BETWEEN YA’LL

Miami Beach, FL — A Florida man was arrested for allegedly firing a gun inside the lobby of a Miami Beach hotel in response to a family flouting social distancing norms, a report said. Douglas Marks, 29, is accused of squeezing off the rounds at the Crystal Beach Suites on Monday night, the Miami Herald reported, citing police. Marks confronted a mother-son duo sitting on a lobby couch and told them, “You all aren’t social distancing,” according to an arrest report obtained by the paper. The mother, Veronica Pena, and her son ignored Marks and remained in place, the report said. Marks then allegedly said “Let me take care of them, I have two people not following directions,” before firing several shots. It’s unclear who Marks was speaking to. Nobody was injured in the shooting, which Marks admitted to, but claimed to fire “four warning shots” because he was being followed by somebody, the paper reported. Marks was hit with several weapons charges.

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Boner Candidate #3: GOD, PEOPLE ARE JUST AWFUL

KANE COUNTY, Utah – An investigation is underway after a pickup truck driver was caught on camera running over a domestic sheep while the heard was crossing the road. It started with a trip to Utah and a scenic drive through Kane County Tuesday afternoon. Maritza and her two boys were driving from Cedar City to Bryce Canyon National Park when they came to a traffic block. “Those sheep! There’s so many of them! Where are they coming from?” one of the boys can be heard saying as Maritza filmed a heard of domestic sheep crossing the roadway, blocking up cars on both sides. “I actually thought [a sheep] was going to get ran over for a second!” One of the boys laughed. Then a few seconds later, one of the sheep did. “Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah!” Maritza can be heard yelling as a pickup truck driver, hauling a horse trailer, continues accelerating towards a sheep, now running across the street. The sheep quickly goes down and continues to roll under the truck and trailer before coming out the other side. “Oh my god! Did you see that!? Oh no!” Maritza continues to yell. The driver kept going. Meanwhile, the sheep was left, injured, in the middle of the street.

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ROUND TWO

Boner Candidate #1: OUR TOWN IS LGBT FREE

BRUSSELS — The European Union will not provide funding to six Polish towns that have declared themselves “L.G.B.T.-free zones,” a rare financial sanction of a member nation for issues related to the equal treatment of its citizens. While the amounts of money being withheld are modest — from $6,000 to $29,000 — the exclusion of the towns from funding for a program that connects local communities across Europe was intended to have a deeper symbolic resonance. “E.U. values and fundamental rights must be respected by Member States and state authorities,” Helena Dalli, the European Union commissioner for equality, wrote on Twitter. The Polish authorities that adopted “L.G.B.T.-free zones” or “family rights” resolutions failed to protect those rights, she wrote, and their funding applications had therefore been rejected. The decision comes just days after the leaders of the 27-nation European Union bowed to pressure from Poland and Hungary and relaxed a framework devised to tie long-term budget spending by the bloc to issues related to rule of law.

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Boner Candidate #2: ASS HAT

Utah Sen. Dan McCay came under fire Thursday for deriding a female legislator on Twitter — including from a Democratic colleague who labeled him an “asshat” and accused him of sexism. It happened after Rep. Suzanne Harrison said on social media that she was “frustrated that I have to decide whether to send my kids to school in person or online education for my kids in the midst of a pandemic.” “Our teachers & schools are in an impossible situation because of lack of effective leadership or a plan from national & state leaders,” she said. “Don’t be so hard on yourself,” McCay, R-Riverton, said in response to the first-term lawmaker. “You’re new at this. You’ll get better.” McCay was immediately engulfed by Twitter responses criticizing his jab at Harrison as sexist and belittling — including from Rep. Andrew Stoddard, D-Sandy. “@VoteSuz is one of the hardest working legislators and all-around best people I know!” Stoddard wrote. “And she does that in spite of near-constant criticism from asshats like this.” Stoddard later deleted the tweet and apologized online, acknowledging he had called “a colleague of mine an inappropriate name.”

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Boner Candidate #3: I’VE NEVER EVEN BEEN VACCINATED

Denver Nuggets forward Michael Porter Jr. shared a wild conspiracy theory about the COVID-19 pandemic and claimed that he’s never been vaccinated on a Snapchat Q&A on Tuesday night, just days before the NBA season is scheduled to resume. Porter, who is in his first season playing with the Nuggets after missing the entire 2018-19 season recovering from a back injury, claimed that the coronavirus is being used for worldwide population control and that it’s being overblown. “Personally, I think that the coronavirus is being used obviously for a bigger agenda,” Porter said. “It’s being used for population control in just terms of being able to control the masses of people. “Because of this virus, the whole world is being controlled. You’re required to wear masks, and who knows what’ll happen when this vaccine comes out. You might have to have the vaccine in order to travel. That’d be crazy.”

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