ROUND ONE
Boner Candidate #1: DON’T VOTE FOR MY DAD
Family dinners must be awkward at the Regan house. Why? The daughter Robert Regan — a Republican running for a state representative seat in Michigan — is openly opposing her father’s candidacy in a tweet that has now gone viral with 170,000 likes and more than 34,200 retwetts. Regan’s daughter Stephanie tweeted the following this week: If you’re in Michigan and 18+ pls for the love of god do not vote for my dad for state rep. tell everyone.” She continued: Since so many people are asking it is Robert Regan! Do a quick [Facebook] or Google search to find info about his campaign. I don’t feel safe [right now] sharing further information regarding his beliefs, but please look him up and just read for yourself. [Thank you to] everyone offering support and love! My DMs and [notifications] are crazy it’s hard to reply but [please] know i appreciate u!!!! i didn’t think anyone past hometown friends would see this but this is more than political beliefs!! [People] see a familiar name & vote. READ. GOOGLE.”
Boner Candidate #2: HEIL HERBERT
A Piute County Commissioner compared Gov. Gary Herbert to Adolf Hitler after the governor allowed two Utah counties to implement mask mandates for their citizens after a spike in COVID-19 cases. From his “personal account,” Commissioner Darin Bushman tweeted in part “it won’t be long before you are required to do the Sieg Heil salute to Herbert.” The tweet is accompanied by a graphic of German youth doing the Nazi victory salute. Darin Bushman has since deleted his tweet and apologized. He also said: “While I appreciate your input, I have no intention of resigning. Thank you.” The governor will allow Salt Lake County and Summit County to implement a mask mandate, his office said on Thursday. The counties had to request the governor’s permission to implement such a health order, since it is stricter than what is currently ordered by the state. Last week, Herbert allowed nine counties in rural Utah, including Piute County, to move to the lowest phase of the coronavirus risk health orders given their population density and smaller case counts.
Boner Candidate #3: A MILLION DOLLAR YACHT….. COOL.
There’s likely a stern punishment in store for this alleged criminal. A Florida man reportedly stole, crashed and then abandoned a yacht worth almost $1 million in March, evading police for three months before being arrested last week. The nautical no-gooder, 28-year-old Donovan Russell Jester, stole the boat from a dock in St. Petersburg, Florida, then left it after crashing it into channel-marker pilings, according to the Pinnellas County Sheriff’s Office. The boat then drifted into a nearby oyster bed, where it was discovered by local deputies. They were able to identify Jester by a thumbprint left on the cabin door. He was charged with grand theft vessel for the joyride, and faces up to 30 years in prison. The stolen yacht was identified by authorities as a 46-foot Jeanneau Leader worth $900,000. On its website, Jeanneau markets the luxury vessel with provocative terms, describing “her sinuous profile” and “sporty look.” Jeanneau’s website says the boat’s interior “will seduce you with her contemporary spirit.”
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ROUND TWO
Boner Candidate #1: I GOT MY ADA EXEMPTION CARD RIGHT HERE
The Department of Justice has confirmed that one of the latest trends in the movement to reject face-covering requirements is not backed by the government, despite claims to the contrary. The trend in question, started by anti-mask group the Freedom to Breathe Agency, is a card that claims the holder is “exempt” from wearing a mask, citing the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). However, the official government website of the ADA recently announced that these cards are, in fact, “fraudulent.” “The Department of Justice has been made aware of postings or flyers on the internet regarding the Americans with Disabilities Act and the use of face masks due to the COVID-19 pandemic, many of which include the Department of Justice’s seal,” the statement read. “These postings were not issued by the Department and are not endorsed by the Department,” it continued. “The Department urges the public not to rely on the information contained in these postings and to visit ADA.gov for ADA information issued by the Department.”
Boner Candidate #2: OH, UNCLE TIM
Boner Candidate #3: THE TUBBY BURGLAR.
Swindon, UK – A burglar was forced to call the emergency services on himself after getting stuck in a window while breaking into a home. Frederick Moulton, from Spring Close in Swindon, was given an 18-month community service after his bungling error. The 53-year-old was left suspended upside down when his leg got jammed while clambering through the window of an empty property during the early hours of Thursday morning. He was unable to free himself despite thrashing around for some time and eventually became so desperate he called fire services to ask them to help him, prosecutors said. When firefighters arrived, it was obvious Moulton had been trying to break into the empty house in Groundwell Road, and they called the police who arrested him. A spokesperson for Wiltshire Police said: ‘While trying to climb in through a window his leg became jammed leaving him hanging upside down inside. As a result, he was forced to call the fire service asking to be freed. ‘Dorset and Wiltshire Fire and Rescue Service called us and our officers arrived at the address with fire brigade colleagues. ‘On arrival it was obvious that Frederick Moulton was trying to break-in and so was arrested at the scene.’
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