Boner of the Day

Boner of the Day for June 8th, 2020

ROUND ONE

Boner Candidate #1: MAYOR WHY DON’T YOU TRY AND BE EVEN MORE OFFENSIVE

KAYSVILLE, Utah – Thursday’s Kaysville City Council meeting became heated during a discussion to censure Mayor Katie Witt. The council drafted a letter of censure after the mayor tried to bypass the permit process to allow organizers of an outdoor concert to hold the event in the city. After a long period of discussion, the council voted unanimously to censure Witt. Following the vote, she expressed her belief that she did nothing wrong. “I think there is a double standard here,” Witt said at the meeting. “If this request had been from Black Lives Matter, trying to get…” After she brought up the Black Lives Matter movement, she was interrupted by loud jeers from those in attendance. When the meeting was brought back to order, Witt added, “Would you demand a 30-day waiting period?” That comment infuriated council member Michelle Barber. “After all that. After we had that whole censure, she disappointed me more than anything by comparing a concert to a Black Lives Matter event,” Barber said at the conclusion of the meeting.

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Boner Candidate #2: HE HAD HAMBURGER IN HIS EAR

Largo, FL — Even in a country roiled by mayhem and disease, a Floridian will still find the time to assault someone with a hamburger, records show. According to police, Tanya Cordero, 47, was arrested Monday evening following a confrontation with her boyfriend in a Largo mobile home owned by the man’s mother. Cordero and the 39-year-old victim have “four children in common,” according to an arrest affidavit, though a grandmother has full custody of the couple’s offspring. The confrontation between Cordero and her boyfriend was reportedly touched off when Cordero, seen at right, became upset when the man closed a window in her room. So, investigators allege, Cordero “smashed hamburger in his face.” When questioned by police, Cordero “denied doing so, but [her boyfriend] still had hamburger in his ear upon arrival.” Cordero, cops added, “made a comment that she hoped he choked on the burger.” Charged with domestic battery, a misdemeanor, Cordero was later released from the county jail on her own recognizance. A judge has ordered her to have no contact with the victim.

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Boner Candidate #3: AH COME ON… IT WAS JUST A PLAY ON WORDS.

A Salt Lake City attorney is urging Utahns to record video of police officers but, faced with withering criticism from the Utah Fraternal Order of Police, he’s changed the hashtag from #ShootTheCops to #RecordTheCops. “We’ve changed our strategy because the [FOP] has mischaracterized what our message was,” said criminal defense attorney Jesse M. Nix. The FOP, however, is still demanding that Nix be removed from a commission that nominates lawyers to become state judges. In return, Nix accused the organization’s president and executive director of “purposely mischaracterizing” his message and said they “must resign.” On Thursday, Nix and his law partner, Kate Conyers, each posted on Facebook: “#ShootTheCops because they are shooting at you. #ShootTheCops to prove your innocence. #ShootTheCops to prove the truth.” The hashtags are accompanied by emojis of cameras and cellphones. The post — which was taken down on Friday afternoon — included video clips of police officers beating and shooting at suspects and animals and an image that stated, “Recording is your best tool against police.” Utah FOP executive director Ian Adams contacted Nix and urged him to take the post down. “I get the play on words, but maybe this isn’t the right time for it,” he said.

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ROUND TWO

Boner Candidate #1: A LAME EXCUSE

Jefferson Burton — the former Utah National Guard commander who now leads the Utah Department of Health’s COVID-19 efforts — acknowledges his legislative campaign ran afoul of Defense Department rules that ban featuring photos of him in full uniform. He offers an unusual explanation. “The problem my campaign manager has is there’s not a picture of me not in uniform, and it’s kind of a challenge,” he said. The Salt Lake Tribune raised questions whether a mailer sent by Burton in his campaign for House District 66 in southern Utah County violates a Department of Defense (DOD) directive. Burton acknowledged that it does. “It was unintentional and I certainly don’t want to violate DOD protocol because I love DOD,” he told The Tribune. “So thanks for bringing it to my attention and we’ll take care of it.” Burton recently mailed a postcard that shows him in full uniform to the side of a headline that says, “Retired Major General Jeff Burton.” Bullet points note his service in the National Guard, a master’s degree from the U.S. Army War College and three decades of “active service” status. The trouble is, a Defense Department directive bans even retired military members who run for office from using pictures of themselves in uniform “as the primary graphic representation in any campaign media,” including flyers.

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Boner Candidate #2: A JEWISH FIRE BOMB?

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Boner Candidate #3: IT WAS A PREMEDITATED HIT.

In a speculative tangent Wednesday evening, Fox News opinion host Jesse Watters floated a conspiracy theory that George Floyd’s death was “not racially motivated at all,” and instead “some sort of criminal thing that went haywire” resulting in “a hit that was executed extremely poorly.” Watters, who co-hosts “The Five” on weekdays in addition to his own weekend show, drew from the co-working relationship between Floyd and former Minneapolis police officer at the same nightclub. They overlapped at El Nuevo Rodeo Club in 2019. With Chauvin working outside and Floyd inside, the club’s owner told Insider the two may not have known each other. Extrapolating from the chance they did know each other, Watters alluded to a conspiracy theory floating around QAnon circles.

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