Round One
Boner Candidate #1: THIS STUFF IS TOO GOOD TO KEEP TO MYSELF
Kyle Gordy is a self-proclaimed “modern-day Jesus” who travels this great nation to impregnate scores of women with his “strong sperm.” The 27-year-old Los Angeles native started his mission in 2014 and has since sired 18 babies — with seven more on the way — all around the country, from Alaska and Colorado to Texas and Kansas. (Yes, the moms pay his travel costs and Dubai, the UK and Australia are on his international “wish list.”) It all started when he decided his super spunk was just too special to keep to himself. So, like the modern man he is, Gordy first advertised his gift on Craigslist. Within two weeks, he made his virgin offering to a local woman via artificial insemination. “I was going to apply to a sperm bank, but the whole thing just felt so cold and clinical,” he tells Caters News. “My sperm is much better than what is in a sperm bank, as it’s strong and fresh during the donation, while I also do it all for free.”
Boner Candidate #2: MUSTA BEEN ONE OF THEM DELICIOUS FUNERAL SANDWICHES
An Eros man is behind bars Saturday after allegedly attacking his wife. According to the arrest report, the Ouachita Parish Sheriff’s Office has arrested David Wayne Johnson for allegedly battering his wife over a dinner dispute. The arrest report claims the victim stated her husband “charged” at her because she didn’t prepare a good enough dinner for him. She also claims that she cut her leg on a plate that the arrestee threw. In a post Miranda interview, the arrestee states that he charged at his wife because she gave him a sandwich after preparing their daughter “a gourmet meal” Johnson also claims he threw the plate on the ground because he was mad at his wife. Johnson allegedly claims he “wrestled his wife to the ground” in self defense. Deputies say they notice the scent of alcohol on Johnson who admits that he had been drinking all day. Deputies arrested Johnson for simple battery and an outstanding warrant for failing to appear in court. David Wayne Johnson has been booked into Ouachita Correctional Center on $500 bond.
Boner Candidate #3: WE ALL KNOW AIR TRAVEL CAN BE HECTIC BUT THIS?
A plane bound for Malaysia was forced to turn around after a mother on board forgot her baby at the gate over the weekend, according to Gulf News. She was on a flight from Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, to Kuala Lampur when she remembered that the baby was still sitting in the boarding area, the paper reports. The pilots ultimately decided to turn back around after discussing the situation with flight controllers. Air traffic control operators at King Abdul Aziz International Airport appeared flustered on a recording of their conversation hit YouTube. The video has over 1 million views. According to the paper, the pilot can be heard saying, “May God be with us. Can we come back or what?” to the air traffic control operator. “This flight is requesting to come back … a passenger forgot her baby in the waiting area, the poor thing,” the operator says, before asking the pilot once again for confirmation. “A passenger left her baby in the terminal and refuses to continue the flight,” the pilot can be heard saying in English. “Ok, head back to the gate. This is totally a new one for us!”
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Round Two
Boner Candidate #1: THE SOUND OF PRIVILEGE
Lori Loughlin‘s privileged daughter not only had her famous parents juice her way into an elite college, once she got in she admitted she doesn’t care about going to class! The shocking statement was made last year by Olivia Jade after she had been accepted into USC. The YouTube star was being asked by fans what her career and educations plans were, before laying it all out and prioritizing what really matters in her life. The 19-year-old daughter of the “Fuller House” star and designer Mossimo Giannulliexplained that school will be tough, especially with all her business obligations and world traveling. “I don’t know how much of school I’m going to attend, but will talk to my deans and everyone,” Olivia said while describing how she will balance out her busy schedule. As for what she was looking forward to in college, Olivia said she really wanted the “experience of game days” and “partying,” before admitting, “I don’t really care about school, as you guys know.” The young star took a ton of heat for the ignorant comments, and days later apologized for what she had said. Olivia claimed everyone just wanted to “attack” her, but was adamant she is grateful for being able to receive a higher education.
Boner Candidate #2: CRAZY CAT LADY IN DELI
An intoxicated woman carrying cats inside a suitcase was arrested in Stafford County, Virginia, the sheriff’s office says. Someone called deputies after seeing the woman at Mr. B’s Market and Grill on Warrenton Road in Fredericksburg early Friday evening, authorities say. A deputy who responded to the call said he immediately smelled alcohol when he found 43-year-old Shanna Holwager at the market. Holwager was unsteady on her feet, her speech was slurred and she had bloodshot glassy eyes, according to the sheriff’s office. Holwager allegedly told the deputy she was trying to bring the two cats zipped inside the suitcase to a shelter. The deputy then took Holwager into custody for public intoxication and handed the cats over Stafford County Animal Control.
Boner Candidate #3: THIS WEDDING SPEECH WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY.
Making a speech at your best friend’s wedding can be a daunting prospect, and the pressure to be equal parts funny, entraining and inspiring, while also including a few key tear-jerking moments, is high. But one Best Man has taken the tear-jerking brief a little too far, prompting the bride to break down mid-way through his wedding speech… and not for all the right reasons. In an anonymous post on Reddit, the man detailed his wiley plan to make an entertaining Best Man speech for his friend of several decades. After the ceremony, the man decided to take bets from friends and family attending the service on when they believed the couple would divorce. “I got the idea to start up a bet and collect a pool from other people attending the wedding,” he wrote in the post. “The basic idea is that participants guess a year in which the couple will divorce and put in a certain amount of money (minimum bet $50), and IF they end up divorcing during that year whoever guessed that year wins the whole pot.” And if the couple’s marriage lasts past the latest year predicted by a punter, they would receive all of the money in the betting pool.
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