Boner of the Day

Boner of the Day for March 15th, 2019

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: EVERYONE IS EXCITED ABOUT BECKHAM

A kid who was very, very excited about the Cleveland Browns snagging Odell Beckham Jr. got the cops called Tuesday night in Shaker Heights, Ohio, Cleveland.com reports. A woman called 911 after arriving home with her children to report someone running up and down the street “yelling and screaming and like flailing his arms,” saying she was afraid to take the kids out of the car until she knew what was going on. When police arrived, the boy explained he was simply excited about the news that the NFL star is moving from the New York Giants to the Cleveland Browns. “After everyone shared their combined excitement, the future General Manager for the Browns quietly returned to his residence to resume his festivities without disturbing the neighbors,” police said, per Fox 8. (Read more Cleveland Browns stories.)

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Boner Candidate #2: MAKE BASKETBALL TOUGH AGAIN

Dennis Rodman used to be one of the toughest players in the NBA, and now he thinks the league is getting too soft. When asked by TMZ about a red hat he was wearing that said “Make Basketball Tough Again,” a clear reference to the MAGA hats worn by supporters of President Trump, the Hall of Famer responded that, “All these guys should quit wearing tampons.” Rodman, a ferocious rebounder and defender in his heyday, has never been shy about expressing himself since the end of his playing career. He’s been open in his criticism of some modern players, such as when he recently told Joel Embiid to “shut the f–k up” and “go do your job” after the 76ers star said Wilt Chamberlain, not Michael Jordan, was the GOAT.  “Joel Embiid, you’re doing a great job for your little island or country where you’re from. Shut the f–k up, go do your goddamn job and do Philly proud,” Rodman said last month. “That’s the one thing they need, is a championship.” Rodman may want to consider taking a different approach next time, however, given the misogynistic nature of his latest criticism against NBA players.

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Boner Candidate #3: THIS MAN TAUGHT HISTORY FOR YEARS IN UTAH SCHOOLS

Rep. Rob Bishop claimed Thursday that a proposed Democratic measure to tackle climate change was “tantamount to genocide” for rural and Western communities. The Utah Republican told reporters during a news conference that the Green New Deal, an ambitious package of ideas from some liberal members of Congress, would decimate rural areas and is too extreme. “For many people who live in the West, but also in rural and urban areas, the ideas behind the Green New Deal are tantamount to genocide,” Bishop said. Asked about his likening of a proposal to fix climate change to genocide, Bishop said the plan would kill him. “I’m an ethnic. I’m a Westerner,” he said, according to E&E News. “Killing would be positive if you implement everything the Green New Deal actually wants to.” Republicans have made the proposed climate change solution a boogeyman heading into the 2020 elections, and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell plans a vote soon on the package to force Democrats to support or oppose it on the record. Bishop, who has said that the Democratic plan would be the end of hamburgers, said he knew his comment was “maybe an overstatement, but not by a lot.” The legislation, sponsored by Sen. Ed Markey, D-Mass., and freshman Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, D-N.Y., offers essentially a wish list of actions to cut down on carbon emissions as well as an expansion of the social safety net for those in need.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: SHE WAS TOO MASCULINE

Hundreds of demonstrators protested outside an Italian court this week after it emerged that two men were acquitted of rape partly because the judges believed the alleged victim looked too “masculine.” In 2016, the two Peruvian men were convicted of raping a woman in the Italian city of Ancona in 2015. The woman, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was 20 years old at the time of the alleged attack and is also of Peruvian origin. The ruling was subsequently thrown out by the Ancona appeals court, with the judges — three women — claiming that the woman’s report was not credible, despite doctors confirming that her injuries were consistent with rape. “It’s a sentence that has shocked us, I was astonished when reading the motivation,” Cinzia Molinaro, the woman’s lawyer, told CNN. Molinaro said the judges overturned the initial ruling with a 22-page reasoning, claiming that the woman’s account of the incident was not reliable as the men “didn’t find her attractive, she was too masculine.” The judges added that one of the defendants had saved the woman’s number in his phone as “Viking,” and stated that the “photograph present in her file would appear to confirm this.”

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Boner Candidate #2: I POINTED IT BRIEFLY, BRIEFLY

Two city employees have resigned following a controversial decision by the city council. According to public records, the city’s director of public works, Mike Grunig, admitted to pointing his new, unloaded handgun at his coworkers during a meeting last November. Two employees at that meeting complained about the incident to the city. In response, Mayor Sharidean Flint disciplined Grunig by demoting him and forcing him to take a pay cut. “People have a constitutional right to carry,” Flint said. “They have to follow the conceal carry law.  You can not draw your guns unless your life is in danger or someone else’s life is in danger.” Grunig appealed and presented his case to the city council. In a “Notice of Decision,” the council rescinded the punishment handed down by the mayor. “There is insufficient evidence of deliberate or careless conduct while on the job that would endanger the safety of other employees,” the document stated. Grunig was given a six day suspension and was allowed to return to his job as public works director on Monday, March 11. 

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Boner Candidate #3: NO. NO. NO. NOT NECESSARY. NO. NO.

A new device lets dads take on nursing duty. The Dentsu Group, a Japanese company, has created a wearable breastfeeding technology that allows fathers to nurse babies. The breast-shaped device is equipped with a tank to hold milk or formula. It can also vibrate to induce sleep and alert parents of the baby’s feeding patterns. “With the softness and warmth close to that of a mother’s breast, babies are none the wiser, and can relax as usual,” according to a website that promotes Dentsu’s upcoming appearance at SXSW in Austin. This year, the company is promoting a concept called “Pointless Brings Progress,” the idea that something whose value is uncertain is heralding the future. The tech company says the idea is to alleviate stress for mothers and encourage fathers to have a more active role in child-rearing.

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