Round One
Boner Candidate #1: THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING. SORRY FOLKS BUT WE’RE OUT OF BUSNINESS AND WE’RE CALLING IT QUITS.
Iceland’s Wow Air has stopped operating and cancelled all flights after a failure to secure emergency funding left 4,000 passengers stranded. The budget carrier, which flew from London Stansted and Gatwick airports in the UK, advised passengers to find available flights with alternative companies after becoming the latest in a string of airlines to run into financial difficulty. The Icelandic Transport Authority said the company’s collapse into administration had left 4,000 people stranded, including 120 UK passengers, returning either from Iceland or North America. Wow employs 1,000 people directly but more jobs depend on the airline at airports and elsewhere. Iceland’s directorate of labour held an emergency meeting on Thursday morning and is preparing for a surge in job applications, according to local media.
Boner Candidate #2: I DON’T KNOW WHO PUT THOSE ON MY FEET
When Ohio police pulled over a driver for failing to signal a turn and allegedly found cocaine in his sock, the man had a ready alibi — they were not his socks. Austintown police stopped Damien K. Clark, 20, of Hubbard, about 3 a.m. Saturday, The Youngstown Vindicator reported. According to a police report, an officer smelled marijuana and searched Clark, the newspaper reported. The officer allegedly found a small plastic bag of cocaine inside his left sock, WJW reported. Clark then said, “These aren’t my socks,” according to the police report. Clark also was carrying anti-anxiety medications and $740 in cash, the television station reported. According to police, Clark told the officer he was holding the evidence for someone else, the Vindicator reported. As Clark was being booked into the Mahoning County Jail, corrections officers found a tablet of Vyvanse, a stimulant, which Clark said he “forgot about,” the newspaper reported.
Boner Candidate #3: TRANS PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO CREATE A NEW SPECIES THAT IS PART MACHINE.
I had to read my own headline twice because the shit still makes no damn sense. But I guess we’ll try to make two plus two equal five together because apparently humanity is an endangered species. Dr. Paul Nathanson is a gender relations professor and the author of books such as Spreading Misandry: The Teaching of Contempt for Men in Popular Culture and Jay is About to Quote Me Saying Some Ridiculous Ass Shit in This Article. As you can accurately presume, Dr. Nathanson was a guest on an episode of The Laura Ingraham Podcast entitled “Transhumanism and the Assault on Traditional Gender and Masculinity” and proceeded to lose his fucking mind. According to Newsweek, Ingraham and Nathanson took turns dissecting what they perceive to be an “attack on masculinity”. But shit really got rich when Nathanson accused transgender people of using social engineering to create an entirely new species. “I think that the trans people have taken it one step further because by abandoning gender altogether, not simply rewriting it, they’re basically trying to use social engineering to create a new species,” Nathanson said. “Which is what, in fact, the transhumanists have been doing for the past half century. Using medical and other technologies to develop a new species.”
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Round Two
Boner Candidate #1: YOUR VODKA TASTES FUNNY
Fact: Many teens and young adults head to Florida for Spring Break. Fact: Many of them aren’t 21 and try to drink alcohol on the beach. Fact: Trying to hide that alcohol in sunscreen bottles doesn’t work. That’s the message from the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office after deputies busted some spring breakers apparently doing just that. Deputies posted on Facebook that “hiding vodka in a sunscreen bottle only works if you don’t let a deputy see you drink out of it.” They also pointed out the fact that “you can still taste the sunscreen” if you use that as your hiding spot. Possession of an alcoholic beverage by an underage person in Florida is a second-degree misdemeanor. When you’re caught, you could face up to 60 days jail and a $500 fine.
Boner Candidate #2: I JUST DIDN’T WANT TO GO TO WORK
A Florida man went to extreme measures to get out of having to work Tuesday morning. The Polk County Sheriff’s Office said they responded to a 911 call in Dundee for an armed robbery. The victim, identified as 32-year-old Brian Anderson, told responding deputies that two unknown suspects took his money, his necklace, and his cellphone. Anderson said the suspected robbers then threw his phone on the ground and fled in a black Ford Crown Victoria. “Deputies quickly learned that the robbery never happened, and Brian confessed that he made up the story because … you’d better [be] sitting down for this,” the sheriff’s office wrote in a Facebook post. “because he didn’t want to show up for his 11:00 a.m. shift at the restaurant he works.” Anderson was arrested and charged with misuse of 911 and knowingly given false information to law enforcement.
Boner Candidate #3: THOSE NASTY GYRO GUYS WANT TO KILL ME.
Never get in the way of a hungry woman and her gyro — or you might have to deal with the cops. An Ohio woman deemed her dodgy gyro so criminal she wanted to get the authorities involved, audio from her unusual 911 call reveals. The woman, from Cleveland, who is not being named, called 911 on March 19 to report restaurant Gyro Guys and accuse it of intentionally serving her a “nasty” chicken gyro with raw meat. “Hi, um, can I ask you a question? Can I make a report on Gyro Guys?” she said in the 911 call. “I think it was like intentionally that they tried to, like, poison me, cause my face is red. They gave me some chicken that was like nasty and raw. They know I like everything well-done and cooked up fresh.” The dispatcher said an officer could come and talk to her but told the woman that the health department might be a better contact for her than an emergency line. The woman, however, persisted it was a police matter. “Oh, I gave that complaint already, trust me. But I’m concerned about me, cause that’s not right, what they did,” she replied.
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