Boners

Boner of the Day for March 6th, 2020

ROUND ONE

BONER CANDIDATE #1: IT’S OKAY, AAA IS ON THE WAY

Salt Lake City police made two drug arrests Tuesday and say they got a huge assist in both cases from the suspects themselves. One of the arrests was made in the parking lot of a Target Superstore after the suspect locked his keys in his own car. Police responded to the parking lot after calls came in about someone trying to break into a vehicle. It turns out 30-year-old John Capito was trying to break into his own car after locking the keys inside. When officers showed up they offered to help but Capito declined, saying AAA was on the way. That’s when things went from bad to worse for Capito. “Guy locks himself out of his car, leaves the drugs in plain view, officers show up to help and he gets busted,” Detective Greg Wilking with the Salt Lake City Police Department said. “He had marijuana, he had cocaine, he had methamphetamine, he had heroin. He had it all and the gun, stolen gun to boot, yeah, he’s in some big trouble.” Earlier in the day, Salt Lake Police busted Carlos Martinez. Investigators say Martinez was driving around in a car with license plates that didn’t match the vehicle. Officers pulled him over, found distributable amounts of meth and arrested him.   Read More

BONER CANDIDATE #2: HE SPENT TOO MUCH TIME AT THE GYM FOR A STRAIGHT MAN

While he was a member of Congress representing Illinois from 2009 to 2015, Republican Rep. Aaron Schock voted against many measures that would have helped the LGBT community, earning a pathetic score of zero on the Human Rights Campaign’s Congressional scorecard. Chief among his controversial positions were a vote against the repeal of the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, and a vote against the Matthew Shepard Act, which expanded federal hate crime laws to include attacks motivated by a victim’s gender identity or sexuality. But five years after the congressman resigned at age 33 amid investigations into his alleged misuse of taxpayer funds, Schock has come out as gay himself. In a lengthy essay posted on Instagram on Thursday, Schock said that he wanted to make a public announcement “to remove any doubt and to finally validate who I am as a person.”   Read More

BONER CANDIDATE #3: PARENTS SHOULD BE PARENTS

The Senate Economic Development and Workforce Services Committee has rejected a bill aimed at expanding access to school breakfast for students enrolled in the National School Lunch Program. HB222 would have also allowed for an “alternative breakfast” program that would feed students even after instruction time had started. Neil Rickard with Utahns Against Hunger said these programs “increase participation, increase access to food, improve health outcomes and improve the academic performance of the students.” Education researchers and officials came out to support the bill saying there is significant evidence that access to school breakfast improves educational outcomes for children, including increased focus and less fidgeting. However, Sen. David Hinkins, R-Orangeville, disagreed and questioned why it isn’t the responsibility of parents to provide breakfast, instead of having the state step in. “Parents should be parents,” Hinkins said during Wednesday’s hearing. “I mean, my mother fixed my breakfast; my wife fixed my kids’ breakfast.”   Read More

ROUND TWO

BONER CANDIDATE #1: AN ALARMING AMOUNT OF GRAFFITI

Sgt. James Blanton with Unified Police Department Canyon Patrol said the cottonwood canyons are a watershed, providing drinking water for the valley. What may seem like harmless graffiti, could mean chemicals getting into the water treatment—and UPD said they are seeing alarming amounts of graffiti in the cottonwood canyons. “A lot of it is just mischievous graffiti, painting on rocks, slurs and sayings,” said Sgt. Blanton. It’s not the words painted across the rocks that are alarming, but the amount of paint it takes to make the graffiti show, and the amount of chemical it takes to get it off. “What we do is we use what’s called elephant snot or lack of better terms, that’s what they call it,” said Sgt. Blanton. It’s a non-chemical based solution that costs $100 a gallon. Combine it with a whole lot of elbow grease and the paint eventually washes off—then whatever is leftover on the rocks is treated with chemicals. “The more chemical you use to get that graffiti off, the more chemical goes into the water, that has to be taken out of the water treatment plant,” said Sgt. Blanton.   Read More

BONER CANDIDATE #2: I’VE BEEN BUSY

Police in one Louisiana town say its officers recently managed to catch a driver who was driving on tabs that have expired. Driving on expired tabs may seem not that big of a deal, but what makes the story special is that the tabs expired long ago. According to police in Slidell, La., the car sported a license place that had tabs denoting an expiry date of September 1997. Officers pulled the car over on February 28, 2020, over 22 years after the tabs expired. Officials said when asked about the expired tabs, the driver replied that they were busy lately and forgot to renew the tabs.   Read More

BONER CANDIDATE #3: NO PROM DRESS WITHOUT MY PRIOR APPROVAL

A high school principal in Louisiana in a text to parents said any girl attending prom, including dates who don’t attend the school, will need to send her a picture of their outfit for approval beforehand. In a recent text message addressed to students at Southwood High School in Shreveport attending prom, the principal, Kim Pendleton, said the same applies to “boys” who bring an off-campus date to prom, according to NBC affiliate KTAL, which obtained a copy of the message. “As you begin shopping for your attire, please make sure you do not purchase any clothes that are sheer or revealing in any manner,” the text message said. The message also advised against showing “excess cleavage or skin.” “Prior to purchasing an outfit, I will need you to send me a picture of you in the outfit with your name and grade,” the message said. “Once I approve the outfit, you may purchase it. The approved outfit is the only one you will be allowed to wear to prom.” Pendleton, a new principal to the school, said in a statement to NBC News that she received feedback from several staff members and parents concerning students dressing inappropriately for school-hosted events. The feedback from past events did not indicate an issue or concern with the attire of boys, she said.   Read More


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