ROUND ONE
Boner Candidate #1: THIS CERTAINLY CALLS FOR A FUNNY MUG SHOT
Naples, FL — The Naples Police Department responded to a call regarding a male suspect playing with his genitals at a Naples Condo. A police report stated the victim lived on the second floor of the condominium, and her back porch overlooks the pool and the pool deck. The victim stated she walked out to the porch and sat down to drink her coffee; at that time, she observed a Hispanic male described as wearing a red sweater and no pants or underwear standing by the pool. The suspect’s penis and buttock were completely exposed. The victim stated the suspect looked up at her and said “This is what you do to me” and proceeded to walk over to a lounge chair and laid down on the chair, the suspect stated, “This is where you sit.” The suspect lifted his legs and played with his penis and masturbated. The victim stated she screamed and called 911. The victim stated she had never seen the suspect before but that she regularly took a morning swim in the pool. The victim stated the suspect said, “this is where you sit.” The victim observed the suspect sitting in the pool chair she regularly uses. She felt this was the suspect explaining how he was stalking her and had watched her on previous occasions.
Boner Candidate #2: WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING COOL
When Veronica Fernandez planned a gender reveal event for her sister’s baby, she didn’t think it would later land her in the hospital. But footage from the June 2018 incident, which was only recently shared on social media, shows the moment when a runaway dart meant to pop a balloon full of pink confetti landed in Fernandez’s ankle. Fernandez, who shared the graphic clip on TikTok last month, told Newsflare that her family had insisted on throwing the party, but her brother-in-law insisted the stunt had to be “something cool.” “So we decided on real darts and a huge balloon. His idea, not mine!” said Fernandez, whose baby shower blunder was viewed by over 4.5 million people on the video-sharing platform. “Long story short,” she said, she positioned herself in the best spot to film the reveal and reaction. Unfortunately, she failed to anticipate the dart-to-bullseye trajectory. “Never in my wildest dreams did I expect the dart to go straight through the balloon and into my foot,” she said. “I look down because I feel a pinch and there it is sticking out of my foot,” Fernandez said. “Maybe it was the adrenaline but I had no clue until I looked down.”
Boner Candidate #3: PUBLIC BACKLASH IS CORRECT AND WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU
KAYSVILLE, Utah — The controversy continues over a live concert planned in Kaysville. Organizers said everyone was on board when they started making plans for the event, scheduled for May 30 in Barnes Park, but the Kaysville City Council members said they were not involved in the process. Eric Moutsos, the Utah Business Revival organizer, said the events he’s held have been successful so far. “We had over 3,000 people at our first event in Salt Lake City — no spikes in COVID,” said Moutsos. Small businesses, said Moutsos, have also benefited from the concerts, “Some of them were in tears, literally crying, because our revival helped them pay their bills that month,” said Moutsos. For Kaysville, Moutsos said he has 65 businesses lined up to be there, in hopes to help revive Utah’s economy. Yet, for Tamara Tran on the Kaysville City Council, she questions where those business are coming from. “How many businesses are from Kaysville? How many local businesses are we able to support, potentially, through an event like this,” said Tran.
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ROUND TWO
Boner Candidate #1: I NEEDED TO SEE MY FRAULEIN.
A love-struck Pennsylvania man attempted to sneak into Germany to visit his girlfriend during travel lockdowns — by disguising himself as a janitor at the airport, according to a report. The unidentified 20-year-old man flew Sunday on United Airlines from Washington, DC, to Frankfurt airport, where he donned a yellow neon vest to try to deceive security guards and border control, ABC News reported. Once he arrived in the terminal, he took two trash cans and attempted to empty them behind the security area, according to the report. But his plan was foiled when an officer grew suspicious that he wasn’t wearing a security ID — not to mention that he couldn’t speak German, the news outlet reported. She notified federal police, who questioned the man, and he admitted that he was trying to defy travel restrictions imposed to stop the spread of the coronavirus, the report said. US citizens aren’t allowed to enter the country under the restrictions, but he wanted to see his German girlfriend, whom he met while she was on a student exchange program stateside, according to the outlet.
Boner Candidate #2: GOT ME RIGHT IN THE BUTT
Poughkeepsie, NY – Police say a very drunk man claimed he was shot in his buttocks in Dutchess County, but no injury to his buttocks was found. On Sunday around 2:30 a.m., the City of Poughkeepsie 911 received a call reporting a person shot in the area of 69 Spruce Street. The caller reported the shooting happened just after 2 am. in the area of Mill and North Clover Street. Responding officers found a highly intoxicated 35-year-old Bronx man who told people he was walking when suddenly he realized he was shot in the buttocks, fell and struck his head, police say. The victim was transported to a hospital where he was treated for his injuries. After x-rays it was determined that no bullet was inside the victim’s buttocks, medical personnel were unable to say if the victim was shot or if he suffered some other type of injury to his buttocks, according to the City of Poughkeepsie Police department.
Boner Candidate #3: CHICKEN THROWER
St. Petersburg, FL — During an argument in their Florida home, a man threw a piece of raw chicken at his wife, striking her in the head, according to police who arrested the alleged poultry pelter for battery. Cops charge that Thomas Reece, 34, and the victim got into a “verbal argument over a family issue” Friday evening at their St. Petersburg residence. As detailed in an arrest affidavit, Reece “got mad, took a piece of raw chicken, and threw it at” his 34-year-old spouse. The chicken struck the woman in the back of the head. Reece’s wife subsequently gathered up his clothes in a laundry basket and placed them by the front door, “telling him he had to leave.” Reece then tossed the basket across the room, striking his wife with the container, cops allege. Reece reportedly “admitted to these actions,” according to affidavit, which identifies the accused as an employee of Lowe’s.
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