Boners

Boner of the Day for May 7th, 2019

Round 1

Candidate #1: NO. NO.NO

It’s the beauty trend nobody asked for, but it’s here nonetheless.
While men and women have been fighting against unruly nostril hair for generations, the latest fad seems to be incorporating nostril hair extensions into your life. Yes, you can now kiss goodbye to the eye-watering pain of plucking and the fiddliness of trimming your nose hair. The brave new look was first championed by Instagrammer @gret_chen_chen. She used false eyelashes to achieve the avant guard aesthetic but we imagine if you’re blessed in the nose hair department, you won’t need to resort to falsies . It did not take long for others to seize upon the look and – voila – the tag #nosehairextensions was born.
A quick glance at this tag will show you just how popular it’s become.
As an aside, we’re not sure how advisable it is to use eyelash glue up your nose, so that’s something to be aware of. If you’re happy to just leave your nostril hair as is, here are some interesting facts. It grows at a rate of 0.35mm per day and it’s actually our friend, as it acts as one of the body’s first lines of defence against environmental nasties such as spores and germs.

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Candidate #2: ACCIDENTAL JEWEL SHOOTINGS ARE ON THE RISE

A man was dashed to hospital after he shot himself in the penis, police say. Peter Jacobsson’s alleged .22-caliber gun dropped out of his pocket, hit the ground and fired on a busy street on Wednesday, detectives believe. And the bullet hit the 32-year-old’s manhood in Lincoln, Nebraska. He has had treatment in hospital to gruesome injuries to his genitals, local media reports. The man remains in a non life-threatening condition in hospital but has been charged with various offences. Luke Bonkiewicz, an officer with Lincoln Police Department, said the botched shooting happened on Wednesday at around 8.45pm near Bryan West Campus, a medical centre in the Irvingdale area of the town. Police believe he was simply walking the streets when the gun fell out of his pocket. Jacobsson has been charged on suspicion of discharging a firearm in the city and possession of a deadly weapon by a prohibited person. The investigation continues.

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Candidate #3: I TOLD YOU GUYS TO HOLD IT DOWN

The teenagers, some of them students at Brooklyn Tech, had been partying in a rented basement room at a public housing complex in Manhattan’s East Village. White paint spattered a railing near the entrance of a basement room at the First Houses on East Third Street in Manhattan. A party advertised on social media drew as many as 300 young people on Saturday night to a public housing complex in Manhattan’s East Village, where residents said partygoers paid $10 to enter a basement room usually reserved for tenant meetings. The music was blasting as the crowd, which included teenagers from an elite public high school in Brooklyn, spilled into the courtyard. Barely an hour had passed before residents of the development, the First Houses, called the police at about 10 p.m. But someone upstairs had decided to do something about it. White paint and a caustic chemical were poured from overhead, burning at least 10 of the teenagers in the courtyard, the police said on Sunday.

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Candidate #1: I NEED TO SPEAK TO A SPECIAL AGENT.

Police have filed a criminal complaint against a woman after she allegedly trespassed on CIA’s headquarters four times since April 22, once asking to speak with “Agent Penis.” The woman, 58-year-old Jennifer G. Hernandez, had attempted to enter the agency three days in a row on May 1, 2 and 3. On April 22, case files allege that Hernandez walked into CIA Headquarters through the main vehicle entrance. After she was stopped by a CIA police officer, she said that she had applied for employment at the agency and that her recruiter had told her to come to the complex. Once the police officer determined that Hernandez had no official business with the CIA, they told her she could be charged with trespassing and told her to leave, which she did.

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Candidate #2: CONTROVERSIAL, WHY?

An Ohio bar said its controversial menstruation-themed cocktail — which comes complete with a tampon applicator — is designed to raise awareness about women’s health issues. The bar, Yuzo in Lakewood, sparked controversy last week when its Facebook page unveiled the “Even Can’t Literally,” a blood-colored berry margarita with a tampon applicator as garnish. Some commenters criticized the drink as mocking women, but bartender Sarah Krueger said she created the cocktail as a means of raising women’s health awareness. She said one dollar from every purchase of the drink goes to the Domestic Violence and Child Advocacy Center in Cleveland. “We also decided if someone doesn’t want the actual tampon in their drink, they can donate that tampon as well. They can get the drink and say ‘donate the tampon, we just want the drink’ and we’ll still donate the dollar to the woman’s shelter,” she told WJW-TV. Yuzu’s owner Dave Bumba said he wasn’t worried about the backlash.

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Candidate #3: WHO HAS THE BEST KUNG PAO?

Police are asking for the public’s assistance in identifying a man wanted for breaking into eight Chinese restaurants in the last two days. The burglaries occurred at the following locations during the overnight hours between Wednesday night and Friday morning:
* China #1 – 1595 International Boulevard
* Golden City – 130 Maple Avenue
* Golden China – 1865 East Little Creek Road
* Super China – 1710 East Little Creek Road
* China King – 7930 Chesapeake Boulevard
* Golden City – 1002 Park Avenue
* Garden China – 4545 Robin Hood Road
* China Town – East Berkley Avenue Extended
On Thursday morning, police responded to China #1, Golden City and Golden China. On Friday morning, police responded to Super China, China King, Golden City, Garden China and New China Town.
In each burglary, the man entered the restaurant by breaking the front glass window, according to WTKR. Many of the businesses WTKR spoke to had multiple surveillance cameras – even a sign in the front window – but that didn’t stop the suspect from busting in the front window. “It’s just kind of scary and we don’t know what to do because you don’t know when it will be happening. They can break in anywhere; any store, not just us,” said one restaurant owner who didn’t want to be identified.

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