ROUND ONE
Boner Candidate #1: I THINK IT’S CLEAR WHAT HE’S PACKIN’ BELOW THE BELT
Key West, FL — A Key West man was so insecure about his manhood that he whipped out a gun when a motorist mocked his penis after asking why he revved his Jeep’s engine, the Miami Herald reported. “You must have a small d—,” Dustin Allen Kouns — a resident of Ramrod Key, no less — said the other driver told him during the Halloween night encounter on Duval Street. Toby Keaton of Coral Springs told police he was in his car in front of Kouns’ Jeep when he heard his engine revving up, so he decided to walk over and ask the driver why he was doing that. He said Kouns began swearing at him and pulled out a 9mm Smith & Wesson, according to the report. “I flashed a gun at him so I was protecting myself,” police said Kouns told them, but Keaton said he feared for his life.
Boner Candidate #2: I’M AN OUTDOOR COOKING ENTHUSIAST
Yellowstone National Park, WY — It’s not Mother Nature’s deep fryer.
An Idaho man has been blacklisted by Yellowstone National Park authorities after attempting to cook chickens in the hot springs of the off-limits thermal area. Rangers were alerted to the hydrothermal hot-pot sesh after receiving reports on Aug. 7 of people hiking toward the Shoshone Geyser Basin — the park’s largest geyser region — with cooking pots in tow, East Idaho News reported. A subsequent investigation revealed two whole birds in a burlap sack resting in a hot spring with cookware nearby. The unnamed Idaho Falls native has been ordered to pay a $1,200 fine for violating closures and use limits and to serve two years of unsupervised probation. During that time, the outdoor cooking enthusiast will be forbidden from entering Yellowstone National Park.
Boner Candidate #3: BANNON WANTS THEIR HEADS ON PIKES
FORMER White House chief strategist Steve Bannon on his War Room Pandemic podcast Thursday said that President Donald Trump should start his second term by beheading FBI Director Christopher Wray and Dr Anthony Fauci. A video of Bannon’s outrageous comments—which assume Trump is the victor of the election—was later taken down by YouTube, and Twitter suspended his @WarRoomPandemic account. Steve Bannon said President Donald Trump should start his second term by beheading FBI Director Christopher Wray and Dr Anthony FauciCredit: Twitter Bannon started off by saying that Trump’s “second term kicks off with firing Wray, firing Fauci.”
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ROUND TWO
Boner Candidate #1: FEEDING THE BEARS IS JUST A HOBBY
Douglas County, CO — People may be under the impression that feeding bears is a charitable, humane act, but Colorado wildlife officials have a different take. “It’s selfish and unethical,” Matt Martinez, an area wildlife manager for the Colorado Parks and Wildlife agency, said in a release Tuesday, after an elderly Douglas County couple were busted for purposely luring bears with food, per the Denver Post. CPW says the husband and wife, from the Castle Rock area, were cited after the agency received repeated claims over the past year of people feeding the bears, CBS Denver reports.
Boner Candidate #2: STEWART, ON THE ATTACK AND USING TRUMP TACTICS
Utah Rep. Chris Stewart floated a theory online Thursday about why polls were so far off actual voting margins in two straight presidential elections: It’s because the mainstream media is intentionally skewing them to try to mold public opinion. “They weren’t just incredibly wrong again. They’re not that incompetent. They didn’t just make a mistake. They made a decision,” the conservative Republican posted on both Facebook and Twitter. He continued, “They said we’re willing to be wrong in order to shape public opinion. No one will hold us accountable. A week after the election it won’t matter. We’re going to spend two years telling the country that Trump is going to lose, knowing it would have an affect [sic]. It’s nothing less than voter manipulation.”
Boner Candidate #3: BBQ BEER AND FREEDOM
A video of a man repeatedly shouting, “the Biden crime family is stealing the election, the media is covering it up,” has gone viral, being viewed more than 10 million times on Twitter. The man, wearing a white tank top with the words “BBQ, Beer, Freedom” and a face mask around his chin, interrupted a live on-air election update in Clark County, Nevada. He went on to say “we want our freedom for the world, give us our freedom Joe Biden, you know Biden is covering up this election, he’s stealing it!” After nobody intervenes or tries to remove him, the man then turns and walks away. It comes after Trump made baseless claims of election fraud. Those claims have been met with a backlash from prominent Republicans and Trump-supporters.
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