Round One
Boner Candidate #1: I BET ONE OF THEM WAS NAMED BEN
A California woman lived with 300 rats in a parked van — until authorities stepped in and she agreed to let go of her scores of rodents, a report said Thursday. The woman, identified only as Carla, started with just two pet rats, who quickly multiplied inside her vehicle, parked on a street near one of San Diego’s toniest communities. They clawed into the upholstery, burrowed into seats and often scampered outside the van, The San Diego Union-Tribune reported. After several complaints, San Diego Humane Society officers showed up Oct. 8 and “realized right away the situation was significant,” said Capt. Danee Cook. “They could tell immediately that it was a huge amount [of rats],” Cook said. “They were living out of the van, coming and going.” Carla apparently realized her rodent issue had gotten out of control and asked for help.
Boner Candidate #2: I HAVE A RIGHT TO PRIVACY
A New Jersey man who was sent to jail for watching porn in his car argued his right to “privacy” — but was shot down by a judge, new court documents reveal. David Lomanto, 53, of Little Egg Harbor Township was watching steamy videos on his iPad — with his windows down near a restaurant — on April 22, 2014, when a woman parked next to him was “shocked” and “mortified” by the sight, according to the Tuesday court finding. The lady, whose 12-year-old son was inside the fast food joint, “heard moaning” and saw footage of a “woman with blond hair” performing oral sex on a man, according to the Superior Court of New Jersey docs. She told a friend, who then called the cops. When a police officer showed up nearly two hours later, Lomanto was still watching sex videos — this time of an “Asian girl” — in the same spot, according to the court docs. “What’s the problem?” he allegedly asked the cop, after she confronted him.
Boner Candidate #3: OF COURSE WE DID THAT, NO WE DIDN’T.
White House acting chief of staff Mick Mulvaney made a stunning admission Thursday by confirming that President Donald Trump froze nearly $400 million in US security aid to Ukraine in part to pressure that country into investigating Democrats. Hours later, Mulvaney then denied ever saying those words. The dramatic admission came during an afternoon news conference where Mulvaney insisted that he knew only of a US request to investigate the handling of a Democratic National Committee server hacked in the 2016 election, but text messages between US diplomats show efforts to get Ukraine to commit to an investigation into Burisma, the company on whose board former Vice President Joe Biden’s son sat. There is no evidence of wrongdoing in Ukraine by either Biden. “That’s why we held up the money,” Mulvaney said after listing the 2016-related investigation and Trump’s broader concerns about corruption in Ukraine. After weeks during which Trump denied the existence of any political quid pro quo in his withholding of security aid to Ukraine, Mulvaney confirmed the existence of a quid pro quo and offered this retort: “Get over it.”
“We do that all the time with foreign policy,” Mulvaney said of the influence of politics in the Trump administration. Then on Thursday evening, Mulvaney attempted to claim that he did not admit to the quid pro quo despite clearly being asked if the Trump administration withheld funding for Ukraine for an investigation into the DNC server and answering affirmatively.
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Round Two
Boner Candidate #1: ALMOST SEEMS LIKE THEY’RE LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE TO GET RID OF MARLON
A black security guard at a Wisconsin high school says he was fired after a student used a racial slur against him and he repeated the word when he told the teen not to use it. Madison School District officials say they have zero tolerance for employees saying racial slurs. But, Marlon Anderson says he was just trying to defend himself after a disruptive student unleashed a number of obscenities. The State Journal says West High Principal Karen Boran sent an email to families Wednesday afternoon that racial slurs are not acceptable in schools, regardless of context or circumstance.
Boner Candidate #2: THAT MUSKY SMELL? THAT’S NOT WEED, THAT’S ELON.
Last year Elon Musk, lover of Harambe and non-unionized workforces, decided to light up a legal joint on air during the Joe Rogan podcast. And while his red pot-huffing face is a funny picture to use whenever posting about him, Musk’s partners at NASA weren’t thrilled about this kind of weed buffoonery being associated with space travel. Along with publicly admonishing Musk, NASA launched a probe to determine if SpaceX had an acceptable culture to keep working with. And according to Politico, that probe wound up costing NASA five million dollars, taken from tax payers of course. Think of all the Teslas you could’ve bought with that money. Now what car are you going to play Cuphead in? Keep reading for more on the original incident. NASA has reportedly ordered a safety review of two aerospace partners under contract to fly astronauts to the International Space Station. The months-long assessment of Boeing and SpaceX will begin next year, and examine “everything and anything that could impact safety,” NASA told The Washington Post. The review was prompted by SpaceX CEO Elon Musk’s recent appearance on a live podcast recording with comedian Joe Rogan.
Boner Candidate #3: THAT’S IT. STRIP
A former Miccosukee police officer accused of forcing two teens to strip naked and run down a secluded road in the Everglades during a 2016 traffic stop was convicted Thursday on four felony charges. A jury found 30-year-old Michael Martinez guilty of two counts each of extortion and unlawful compensation, the Broward State Attorney’s Office said. Martinez had pulled the two teens over after they ran a stop sign on Aug. 5, 2016. After he found a small amount of marijuana in the car, he told the teens to follow him down a secluded road, then told them they’d go to jail if they didn’t strip naked. Once they were naked, Martinez forced the teens to run down the road, then tried to get the teen girl to perform a sex act on him, prosecutors said. The victims, who were 18 at the time, said they felt they had no option but to do what Martinez said.
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