
Round One
Boner Candidate #1: SO, ONLY GAY HUMANS CAN CROSS THE STREET HERE?
Ames, Iowa, is only the latest city to be chided for pavement painted in pride colors, but some experts say the available research doesn’t support the Federal Highway Administration’s concerns. Ahead of an annual L.G.B.T.Q. festival in Ames, Iowa, members of the City Council decided to liven up a pedestrian crosswalk near the downtown shopping district by painting stripes in colors evoking the gay, nonbinary and transgender pride flags. “Who would have thought, 50 years ago, that a small town in central Iowa would be saying this: We see you, we hear you, we welcome you,” Reginald Stewart, vice president for diversity and inclusion at Iowa State University, said of the kaleidoscopic markings. But in early September, about a week after The Ames Tribune covered the cheerful ribbon-cutting ceremony, a letter arrived from the federal government: The motley intersection was a safety concern, it said, and a liability for the city.
Boner Candidate #2: A “TROUBLING LOOPHOLE” IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT
A capital murder suspect in Texas had a court-ordered ankle monitor removed by the device’s operators because the company reportedly said he didn’t pay them a monitoring fee to wear the tracker. Clint Walker, 27, is accused of fatally shooting a man during a November 2016 robbery gone awry. Several months ago, Walker was released on a $100,000 surety bond and ordered to wear the GPS monitor, provided by a company called Guarding Public Safety. But Walker, according to KHOU, “failed to pay the company his monthly monitoring fee” that was reportedly a condition of his bond, and therefore the company removed the device — leaving authorities unable to track the murder suspect. Harris County District Attorney Kim Ogg said the company sent “a representative to physically remove his ankle monitor” on Sept. 19, and Walker wasn’t re-arrested until Oct. 2, according to jail records, which meant he was not monitored for a nearly two-week period.
Boner Candidate #3: THAT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE A TREE.
The Polk County Sheriff’s Office said a woman arrested in February for the practice of unlicensed health care is now charged with attempting to hire someone to kill a witness in her case – her husband. Jesusadelaida “Jesse” Lopez, 40, has been in jail since Feb. 14, 2019. The Polk County Sheriff’s Office said Lopez ran the “Drop It Like It’s Hot” weight loss clinic in Winter Haven. Detectives said Lopez performed medical procedures and portrayed herself as a registered nurse, even though she does not hold any medical degrees. Sheriff Grady Judd says Lopez is now facing a new charge of solicitation to commit first-degree murder, the victim being her husband Daniel Lopez. The investigation began August 2019 when the sheriff’s office started hearing that Jesse Lopez was making comments that she wanted her husband killed. The sheriff’s office orchestrated a scheme to get an undercover detective in contact with Lopez about her murder-for-hire wishes. During the investigation, the sheriff’s office said Lopez used the inmate account system to call the undercover detective and send him emails from jail. She also sent a letter to an undercover P.O. box. Within the messages and phone calls sent to the undercover detective, there was an instance where Lopez reportedly asked him to “remove a tree” from her house, and agreed to pay $2,000 for it. When asked for a picture of the tree, Lopez sent a picture of her husband.
Round Two
Boner Candidate #1: I IT’S TRUE. YOU CAN’T BEAT MEAT.
Boner Candidate #2: LET’S GET THE BABY A LITTLE TOUPEE
Boner Candidate #3: WE’RE GONNA HAVE TO POSTPONE THE WEDDING.
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