ROUND ONE
Boner Candidate #1: WE’RE A BAD BAND, WHO SHOULD BE BANNED, SO WE’VE DECIDED TO DISBAND
The band admitted to “sexual misconduct, assault, theft, racism and injury to individuals and the Columbia community as a whole.” The Columbia University Marching Band, which dated to 1904, had developed a wide reputation over the years for its irreverent, quirky performances at Lions football and basketball games.
It had served as the irrepressible court jester to the university’s staid administration, and, at times, had offended students and the wider campus community with its jokes.
The band had an antagonistic relationship with the administration, which banned it from football games last year and tried to stamp out its mischievous tradition of bursting into a campus library each semester to entertain stressed-out students on the eve of finals.
Boner Candidate #2: UTAH SHOULD BE PROUD OF IT’S AG
Sean Reyes, Utah’s attorney general, had a good seat for President Donald Trump’s indoor rally in Henderson, Nev., on Sunday — and Reyes’ Democratic challenger is criticizing him for attending. “Here is Sean Reyes, at the Indoor Trump rally in Nevada – NOT wearing a mask,” attorney Greg Skordas, the Democrat running against Reyes in this year’s general election, wrote in a tweet posted Tuesday. “Utah deserves and [sic] AG who will focus on Utah, not spend all his time sucking up to the White House.”
The tweet includes an image, taken from a Tuesday broadcast of MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” (which also referenced an indoor Trump event Monday in Arizona).
Boner Candidate #3: PLEASE CLAIM YOUR LOTTERY TICKET
CANTON, GEORGIA – Police in Georgia said a suspect who fled on foot from a traffic stop left behind a valuable piece of personal property: a winning lottery ticket. The Cherokee County Sheriff’s Office said deputies attempted a traffic stop Monday morning in Canton, but the unidentified suspect abandoned their vehicle and fled on foot. Deputies investigated the vehicle and discovered a winning scratch-off lottery ticket worth $100. The sheriff’s office posted a photo of the ticket on Facebook.
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ROUND TWO
Boner Candidate #1: HEY, THE SONG ‘3 BLIND MICE’ GLORIFIES VIOLENCE
To be fair, the lyrics to “Three Blind Mice” are pretty disturbing, too. An employee at a children’s toy shop claims she accidentally added “WAP” to the store’s playlist, only to incur the ire of all the moms in the aisles as she raced to shut it off. The employee, who recently shared the embarrassing story on Reddit, explained that she had grown sick of the two CDs her employers deemed “suitable” to play over the store’s loudspeakers, so she decided to update the playlist with what she thought were similarly suitable songs.
Boner Candidate #2: SOMEONE HAS IT OUT FOR THE CATHOLICS
MIDVALE, Utah — Just one night after its statue of St. Therese was smashed, a Catholic church in Midvale had one of its parish residences broken into Monday night. The iconic statue in front of St. Therese of the Child Jesus Catholic Church was pushed off its pedestal Sunday night, which resulted in the statue’s head breaking off. St. Therese of the Child Jesus Catholic Church. The church told FOX 13 Monday that it has seen a recent increase in vandalism.
Boner Candidate #3: CRAZY NANCY
WASHINGTON — A CNBC host took to Twitter to defend himself after facing backlash for referring to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi as “Crazy Nancy,” a derisive nickname President Donald Trump has frequently used. Jim Cramer, who was interviewing Pelosi on television when he uttered the nickname, said he was pointing out the president’s use of the name, not using it himself. “What deal can we have, Crazy Nancy?” Cramer said during the interview Tuesday, questioning the speaker about negotiations with Republicans on a coronavirus aid deal. “I’m sorry—that was the president. I have such reverence for the office I would never use that term,” Cramer immediately added. “But you just did,” Pelosi responded. “Oh, come on, you know what I mean,” Cramer said.
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