Boner of the Day

Boner of the Day for September 11th, 2019

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: HAKUNA MATATA SWEETIE, HAKUNA MATATA.

A sloshed Arizona mommy didn’t know best — but at least her “heroic” young daughter did, police said.The 10-year-old girl took video of her mother —  and then called cops in Glendale to report that the elder was too drunk to drive home from a Saturday screening of “The Lion King,” KTVK reports. Stephanie Davis, 31, of Glendale, was busted on suspicion of aggravated DUI after her daughter called police and showed cops footage of her behind the wheel as three children under the age of 15 screamed for her to stop driving, according to court documents obtained by the station. Cops found Davis reeking of alcohol and with bloodshot, watery eyes, as well as a flushed face and slurred speech. She was also so unsteady on her feet that she had to be supported by officers when she walked and fell down as she got out of a police vehicle, court documents show. Davis, who was driving her daughter and 4-year-old nieces at the time, praised the girl’s decision to call cops and confessed that she was too inebriated to drive after drinking wine earlier in the day. “She was very heroic, she absolutely did the right thing,” Davis said of her 10-year-old. “I did go to the movies and I did consume my wine … very wrong, it is so easy to make an honest-to-God mistake.” Davis’ daughter, meanwhile, said she knew she had to take action after seeing her mom ignore the speed limit while driving “really fast,” she told KTVK. “I called police and I’m like, ‘My mom is not OK, I know she’s drunk, she’s driving crazy,’” the girl recalled. Read More

Boner Candidate #2: HER BUTT CHEEKS WERE TOUCHING.

A high school swimmer in Alaska had her 100-meter freestyle victory overturned after a referee determined she committed a “uniform violation” when her swimsuit revealed too much of her backside. According to the Anchorage Daily News, the swimmer from Dimond High School competed in four events at the meet on Friday, but was disqualified in only one. A meet official said the referee who disqualified the girl said she could see “butt cheek touching butt cheek.” The Anchorage School District said Tuesday that it would work to reverse the disqualification and decertify the official. It said the referee’s decision was “targeted based solely on how a standard, school-issued uniform happened to fit the shape of her body.” “We cannot tolerate discrimination of any kind, and certainly not based on body shape,” the district said in a statement to the newspaper. Read More

Boner Candidate #3: I COULD GIVE A CRAP.

Senator Lindsey Graham tonight dismissed the investigation over the unsigned NOAA statement that backed up President Donald Trump‘s September 1st tweet about Hurricane Dorian potentially hitting Alabama. After talking about the ouster of John Bolton, Bret Baier asked Graham about the report that Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross “put his finger on the scale” and reportedly threatened firings after the Birmingham National Weather Service contradicted the president’s Alabama tweet. (The Commerce Department denied yesterday that Ross threatened firings.)
Baier asked Graham for his take and the senator responded, “I could give a crap.” He elaborated, “I could care less. This whole thing is a bunch of garbage.” Read More

Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: BUT I LOVE DISNEY.

Her story didn’t have a fairy-tale ending. A drunk and aggressive Disney super fan was banned for life from all of the company’s Florida theme parks, authorities said. Ellen McMillion, 53, was booted from Disney’s Hollywood Studios last Thursday after she hit a taxi driver in the parking lot, according to the Orange County Sheriff’s Office. Ellen McMillionOrange County Sheriff’s Office
Deputies said McMillion started slapping the driver when she asked him for a cigarette and he told her he didn’t have one. When authorities confronted McMillion, she was slurring her words, reeked of alcohol and had trouble maintaining her balance, news station WKMG reported. She told deputies she was intoxicated and wouldn’t cooperate with the investigation until she received a cigarette, authorities said. She also hurled profanities at nearby children and threw her purse on the ground when asked for identification. Read More

Boner Candidate #2: ALL RIGHT GIRLS OFF THE FIELD.

In a statement issued Monday, Kent State apologized for its widely criticized decision Saturday to end a field hockey match to put on its scheduled fireworks show before the Golden Flashes’ noon football game at Dix Stadium. The abrupt end to the women’s field hockey match in favor of football pregame fireworks brought backlash against Kent State on social media and from the National Field Hockey Coaches Association. Citing orders from the fire marshal to end the match by 10:30 a.m., Kent State officials had halted a contest hosted by KSU between the University of Maine and Temple University before the start of a second overtime period with both teams still scoreless. Fireworks for Kent State football games are set off near the school’s field hockey facility, which is located just north of the football stadium. Kent State officials refused to comment on the decision over the weekend, but Director of Athletics Joel Nielsen issued the following statement on Monday: “On behalf of the Kent State University Athletic Department, I would like to apologize to the University of Maine and Temple University for the decisions made surrounding the Field Hockey contest this weekend. In hindsight, a different decision should have been made to ultimately ensure the game reached its conclusion. We hold ourselves to a very high standard, and in this situation, we failed. Read More

Boner Candidate #3: SACRE BLEU.

A married man who died of a heart attack after having sex on a business trip in France was ruled to have been the victim of a workplace accident — making his company financially responsible, according to reports. Engineer Xavier X was found dead in his hotel room in Meung-sur-Loire shortly after having sex with a local woman he’d just met, according to the Times of London.
Lawyers for his bosses at the Parisian railroad construction company TSO insisted he was not performing duties when he had the heart attack — blaming the “adulterous sex act that he had had with a complete stranger,” according to the report. But appeals court judges ruled that an employee on assignment “is entitled to their employer’s protection for the duration of their mission … whether or not the accident takes place as part of a professional activity or as an act of normal life,” the report said. They held up a 2016 lower court ruling in the case that stated, “A sexual encounter is an act of normal life like taking a shower or eating a meal,” according to the Times. That means the February 2013 death of Xavier X, whose surname was not released, is officially an “accident du travail,” which entitles the victim’s family to benefits from both the state and employer. Any partners and children will receive a monthly benefit of up to 80 percent of his salary until what would have been his retirement age and then a share of his pension. Read More 

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